Greeting jabronis.
As a critic of anything – be it wrestling, films, spaghetti or whatever – there’s no denying that being critical of your specialist subject can sometimes be rather enjoyable.
I like to think that, for the most part, I have a positive outlook on anything the WWE does, and only save my criticisms for the times when WWE truly deserves it (the recent treatment of Christian springs to mind).
But today I say to Hell with that, because, as you’ve no doubt deciphered from the title (you clever thing), I want to present a small list of the five guys I consider to be the most appalling in-ring performers in the WWE today. Hey, I’m entitled to a wee bit of fun now and then. So get off my back, allow me to criticise and enjoy the article.
5. The Big Show
The Big Show as a human being seems to genuinely be a thoroughly decent guy. And in backstage skits, I’m more than happy to admit that he has far better acting ability than most of his colleagues, as well as a keen sense of comic timing. But (there’s always a ‘but”) as a wrestler, he’s well and truly past his sell by date. The Big Show has been stinking up WWE rings for well over a decade now and I, for one, have had a Goddamn ‘nuff of it.
As The Giant in WCW, The Big Show truly was an immense specimen to behold. He had incredible size and strength yet also an unnatural level of agility fused with those traits. Rumour has it that he was even capable of performing a moonsault in those days (though nobody in WCW was ever brave enough to take it – with Kevin Nash reportedly chickening out of being on the receiving end of one just moments prior to a PPV match).
But when he joined the WWE, The Big Show seemed to see that as a green light to let himself go and become the out of shape, plodding, blobby mess that he is today – and has been for a decade. It’s really entertaining to watch how quickly The Big Show loses his breath in the ring and gets blown up – 30 seconds usually does it. No wonder he finds himself largely restricted to tag team wrestling nowadays.
I’m also mightily bored by Show’s offence. The Big Show’s finisher used to be the chokeslam. That’s quite a fitting display of power for a giant – so I was fine with that. But now it’s a punch. You’ve got a freaking giant who we’re continuously reminded is the largest athlete in the WWE, and he supposedly has the power of a million cave trolls or something – so what outrageous display of strength does he use to thwart his opponents in the realm of sports entertainment? A punch. A lousy-ass punch. And The Big Show can also lay claim to the worst headbutt in the history of the business.
Fat, slow, no stamina, terrible offence… Big Show’s wrestling ability is comparative to a wet fart.
4. Mark Henry
This column isn’t just an excuse for me to pick on fat people , I promise – but surely nobody is going to argue with fat Mark Henry’s inclusion on the list.
In fifteen (FIFTEEN!) years as a WWE performer, Mark Henry has been on the receiving end of many a push towards the main event and he’s arguably in the midst of another push right now… And of course it will end the same way as all his other pushes have: The crowd will be bored senseless by Mark Henry matches, WWE wonder what the hell they were thinking and he’ll find himself quickly demoted back to the lower card – often as part of a mish-mash tag team.
The harsh truth is, in fifteen years with the WWE, the most memorable thing Mark Henry has done as a performer is impregnate Mae Young with a hand. That’s your legacy, Mark. Enjoy it!
3. David Otunga
When the Nexus were thrust into WWE’s biggest storyline for a big chunk of 2010, it was no secret to anyone who follows wrestling that none of them (apart from Daniel Bryan of course) were really ready to perform under such an intense spotlight.
But as the weeks and months went by, Wade Barrett improved hugely as a performer and carried himself very admirably in his main event bouts with Cena. Meanwhile, Slater and Gabriel weren’t far behind – and the two are now pretty solid performers on the Smackdown roster and their in-ring skills are tidy if nothing else.
The same cannot be said for Otunga. He was rubbish 12 months ago, and he’s still at that same level of rubbishness today. His move-set is ridiculously limited, he turns like a bus and, on a slightly unrelated note, his facial hair is stupid and annoys me.
Whilst the likes of Michael Tarver and Husky Harris have been rightfully shipped back to FCW to brush up their in-ring skills, Otunga still finds himself on the Smackdown roster solely because he has a celebrity wife in Jennifer Hudson (although I’m not quite sure what she’s famous for… Did she invent jam?).
Vince loves a celebrity rub and don’t you forget it – so if you’re an aspiring wrestler who’s actually rather crap and don’t want to improve, why not try and woo Kelly Osbourne out on date using Twitter? You could find yourself in the WWE main event in no time at all.
2. Mason Ryan
Mason Ryan is just impossibly rubbish. Ring awareness is something we all take for granted because 99% of the WWE roster do it so well – but this guy is simply clueless. He’s constantly in the wrong place at the wrong time and his timing is all over the joint. I’m honestly not exaggerating when I say I enjoy watching his in-ring performances just to laugh at how utterly inept he is.
Of course Mason Ryan is mainly employed for his size – but so, presumably, is Jackson Andrews who recently found himself hastily returned to FCW for being too green for the main roster. IF WWE considers Ryan to be a better performer than Andrews, then I’m genuinely dreading the day that he makes his in-ring debut for WWE.
Mason Ryan sucks so ridiculously hard that a vacuumous black hole exists somewhere in the earth’s vicinity, majestically manifested as a result of his dire wrestling skills.
1. The Great Khali
At number one it is, of course, The Great Khali – and if you didn’t see that coming then shame on you. He’s an embarrassment to the entire profession the moment he climbs inside that ring, and everything he does (and says come to that) only serves to highlight the fictional nature of the business.
The Great Khali is obviously only employed for his freakish size – with Vince’s logic being that non-wrestling fans who are channel flicking will be mesmerised by the giant in the ring and put down the remote to see what hell-bent offence he unleashes upon his opponent. But what happens next will most often be met with sorrowful laughter. An Austin Powers style chop to the head? Pleeeease.
The Great Khali will find himself on the WWE employee roster for the foreseeable future due to him being a massive pull in the Indian market – and that’s totally understandable. The WWE is first and foremost a business and, like any other business, it’s duty is to be profitable. But this column isn’t about who’s good and who’s bad for business, it’s about who sucks the most as an in-ring performer – and The Great Khali wins that accolade effortlessly.
Wrestling afficiados are likely familiar with the saying “If you put Shawn Michaels in the ring with a broom, he could make it look good”. I think it’s fair to state that if you put The Great Khali in the ring with a broom, the broom would make The Great Khali look bad.
There’s my opinion on the worst wrestlers, jabronis – so what are yours? Are there some other sorrowful sacks of monkey crap in the WWE that you feel should have made this list? If so, post you feeling below. Don’t be shy. I love it when you do.
Over and out.
