Greetings jabronis,
Those of you that read my last column will be well aware of my detrimental disappointment regarding The Undertaker being unable to participate at the recent Survivor Series PPV – and it inspired me to scribe a few words that I decided to evolve into a column. Here today, I don’t want to give you a rundown of The Undertaker’s career (we have Wikipedia for that) but rather a kind of “The Undertaker is awesome – and here’s why” kind of deal. You dig?
I wholly believe that had The Dead Man been fit to perform at the Survivor Series, then the WWE would surely have booked him to deck Kane and fittingly celebrate his 20th year with the company with another title run. Alas, it wasn’t to be. The Undertaker, you see, has become rather “Kevin Nash-esque” at this stage of his career. That is to say, even simple tasks such an answering the phone seem to cause a rotary cuff rip or something. (So please stop ringing him, DDP – that storyline ended years ago anyway.)
One of the main reasons I was so eager to see The Undertaker mark his milestone with the company is because the event also marked a milestone for me. You see – the 1990 Survivor Series was the very first wrestling PPV that I ever witnessed. So, for a long as I have been a WWE fan, The Undertaker has been a WWE wrestler. And, to me, that’s really frikking cool.
Despite having not seen the footage again in well over a decade, my sloppy brain can still recall The Undertaker’s debut vividly. The mystery addition to The Million Dollar Man’s Survivor Series team was hyped on WWE programming for weeks – so even as a wee nipper I sensed that something big was gonna go down.
So to the event, and as Brother Love pulled open the curtain to reveal The Undertaker, I knew he was undoubtedly gonna kick some serious ass before he’d even set foot in the ring. And, golly gosh, was I ever right. The black-clad man-mountain destroyed Koko B Ware and handled Bret Hart and The Anvil in way that nobody ever had before (except maybe their wives). The guy could NOT be hurt… and I was genuinely terrified. I remember Bobby Heenan once commenting “You can’t beat the man if you can’t hurt the man” and those words have always echoed within me.
Thankfully (for the kiddy me), on that night he got himself counted out and thus the face team were able to reign victorious (Hooray, babyfaces!) but in my mind, I was already wondering who would be able to beat this giant… Hulk Hogan would, I assured myself. Hulk Hogan had to.
Looking back now, I think my excitement for the first ever Hogan v Undertaker match-up easily matched the excitement the modern me felt for the likes of HBK v Kurt Angle and TLC 2. But what’s most amazing (to me) is that I still look forward to Undertaker matches today. Each and every one. Even if it’s against Kane. The Undertaker character, his entrance (best in the business – ever), the theatrics of his signature moves, the vibe emitted by the crowd being in aura of a true legend… it’s everything – and more – what the term “sports entertainment” was coined for.
Beyond the Hogan feud, battles with the likes of Giant Gonzalez, Psycho Sid, Kamala and Yokozuna always excited me (in a totally non-sexual way… I think). Looking back now, the actual wrestling in those matches was admittedly pretty dire, but nobody can possibly deny that wrestling audiences simply loved seeing The Undertaker pitted against other giants. And destroying them.
When the Paul Bearer character was introduced, he gave an extra dimension to The Undertaker – he is arguably the holder of the “best wrestling character ever that wasn’t a wrestler” title. I wasn’t able to appreciate his amazing theatrics much in the early 90s because I was instructed by WWE to carry an irrefutable hate for wrestling managers – so I’m glad that he’s had chances over the years to return to our TV screens and ham things up. Speaking like him is fun too – say “Ohhh yesssss” to yourself out loud in the style of Paul Bearer right now, it’ll make you smile, I promise. (On the subject of Bearer – for a guy whose physical appearance is somewhat comical – he certainly packs some superb sperm.)
And the first time The Undertaker turned face – I think wrestling fans literally gasped with relief. No longer would he try to claim the souls of the innocent. Score! But I’d be lying if I said that I’d been a fan of every evolution of The Undertaker character….
Although The Ministry played its part in the success of The Attitude Era, I must confess that it was a period when I found The Undertaker a tad boring. I guess it was difficult for an evil zombie man to keep up with the incredibly high level of entertainment offered by the likes of Mankind, The Rock and Steve Austin – but most of all, I never understood why Undertaker’s posse was littered with so many jabronis (Viscera, Gangrel, Mideon, Boss Man, Farooq… pfffft).
And the biker gimmick was also a bit testing at times. The Limp Bizkit entrance music seemed like a desperate attempt to say “Hey kids, I’m super cool!’ and the catchphrase “It’s my yard” made him sound like the angry next-door neighbour who won’t let you jump his fence to retrieve your football.
But hey, when you have had a 20 year career, it can’t be entirely littered with high points – you gotta take the rough with the smooth. But by the Attitude era, I had got wise to the business (a sad time for any young man) and had begun to appreciate The Undertaker in a different way… The same way you appreciate any sporting star who maintains a career at the upper echelons of what they do for super human amounts of time.
As he relaxed the “zombie” side of his gimmick over the years, I was always impressed by how much agility he had for such a big guy. Wrestling in the early 90s as the “walking dead Taker” must have truly frustrated the hell out of our man, being instructed to move about with such lethargy and to deliver slow, methodical wrestling moves. It makes me wonder what a 25 year old Undertaker could have really been capable of inside the ring had he not been restricted by his gimmick.
When The Undertaker returned as the dead man character to face Kane at Wrestlemania XX– the anticipation was insane. Nostalgia is always popular in wrestling (unless it involves Buff Bagwell) and the long departure of the gimmick made people realise just how majestic it was – and in hindsight it was a smart move by The Undertaker to temporarily retire that side of him to ensure interest never waned. Even casual fans (or people that had “grown out” of wrestling) were eager to tune in and witness the return of the original dead man. It was an awe-inspiring spectacle (sold brilliantly by Kane on the night too, I must add)
The Undertaker may not have been able to bless us with as many TV matches as we/he would have liked in recent times due to his achey bones – but seeing him perform at a PPV is always a treat. For a broken down guy in his late 40s – his movement and agility puts a lot of the younger guys to shame.
I often think now when watching Taker perform just how Goddam much I’m gonna miss him. Will there ever be another move as epic as The Tomstone? Firstly signalled by drawing his thumb across his throat, The Undertaker effortlessly swings his opponent upside-down and drills their skull into the mat in one crushing plummet – and the best is still yet to come. Mr Taker remains on his knees and leans over his foe, crossing the arms of the lifeless cadaver upon their chest in a brilliant homage to the 1990 Undertaker and then proceeds to roll his eyes into the back of his skull and looks to the Heavens with his tongue at full-stretch as the ref counts to three. There’s something very poetic about it. It’s an almost as symbolic routine as his entrance. Almost.
The aging Undertaker really can’t have many more matches left in him and, much like HBK, he will be so sorely missed by yours truly when retirement comes a knocking. And for that reason, I encourage you to saviour every Tombstone you can between now and his departure.
I guess the sum of this column is that, for me, The Undertaker IS the WWE. I’ve never known a WWE without him.. Sure, HBK comes close – but he took a near 7 year hiatus so it’s not quite the same.
Taker embelishes for me what it takes to become a legend in this business. Two solid decades (OK – minus several months for the aforementioned injury list) of kicking ass at the top, and entertaining the hell out of wrestling audiences the world over.
Just a quick note on The Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak before I leave thee. The streak has evolved to become more important that any WWE title could ever mean. I hate all this talk of The Undertaker giving a youngster the rub on his way out and letting them claim the scalp of his streak. Despite being dubbed the “conscience” of the WWE locker room and having a lot of sway backstage, Taker has always done what’s best for business. When it comes to title runs, the likes of John Cena, Edge and Randy Orton (who’s perhaps equal?) have already clocked up more reigns than the Taker, despite only having careers half as long as him – or even less. Thus I believe The Undertaker’s streak should never be broken, because that will become his legacy more than anything else.
I sincerely hope with all my might (although, admittedly, I’m not very mighty) that The Undertaker will be back on our TV screens in time for the next Wrestlemania. And I also kind of hope that he makes it to the next Wrestlemania beyond that too, taking the streak to an impressively unmatchable 20-0. I’m a sucker for round numbers, you see.
Please add some of your favourite Undertaker moments below for us all to cast our eyes upon – I love it when you do. Or if you just want to write a dirty limerick, that’s cool too. Whatever floats your boat.
Over and out – and rest in peace.
