Greetings jabronis,
Does the “Extreme Rules” PPV really deserve its moniker on the WWE PG calendar? I think we can all safely assume that there’s gonna be no powerbombs on to beds of thumbtacks, spears through flaming tables or banjos to the testicles on the night. Also, any chair shots will be largely aimed at the ass area, and any minor cuts will be dealt with swiftly by a first-aid crew at ringside – WWE wouldn’t want to corrupt kiddies by showing them the real-life implications of large men battering the crap out of each other after all..
So perhaps “Tepid Rules” would be a better billing. Or even “Friendly Play-Fighting” might be a more accurate description. I’m sure you can think of better. Go on. I dare you.
Be warned that this article will contain Smackdown spoilers, so if that upsets you – turn away now and run home to your Mommas. And also, I sincerely apologise if this article reads a little sloppy. I’m about to embark on holiday and didn’t have time to have someone proof read it before I clicked the “publish” button. Forgive me?
Rey Mysterio v Cody Rhodes
It’s one of four Wrestlemania rematches (okay, a couple of them have been slightly tweaked), but it’s the one that I feel there is the least need for. Cody Rhodes got the better of Rey Mysterio and gained his revenge for Rey smashing up his lovely face. The story should now be deemed over… Even more so considering the two performers are now on different brands.
But instead, I foresee WWE pointlessly undoing the momentum that young Cody reaped from a Wrestlemania win over the top level talent that Rey Mysterio is, and he’ll find himself staring at the lights on this occasion.
Cody Rhodes has a real chance to be a top level heel on Smackdown now that that Ziggler and Del Rio have been shipped to RAW… And I guess a loss against Mysterio wouldn’t hinder that too much in the long run. But it certainly won’t help.
Nevertheless, the falls count anywhere stipulation should make this a funsome bout indeed. A cameo from Dusty or Dustin Rhodes perhaps?! We shall see.
Pick: Rey Mysterio
Jerry Lawler and JR v Jack Swagger and Michael Cole
Actually, I immediately take back what I said about the Mysterio/Rhodes rematch being the most pointless – this is the Wrestlemania match-up that should have long been put to bed by now. Having a non-wrestler (Cole) perform in a wrestling role at Wrestlemania is bad enough, but to impose it on fans in consecutive PPVs is beyond a joke. Lawler should have attained the victory at ‘Mania, Cole should have got what was coming to him making everyone scream with delight in the process, and this feud should never have been spoken of again. Yet here we are. Keep Cole as a heel – that’s fine (I find him jolly entertaining at times), but for Gawd’s sake, keep him out of the ring. It bores the crap out of audiences.
I’d like to think that a win for JR and The King is a dead cert… But 99.9% of us thought that The King would prove victorious at Wrestlemania and we were wrong. It’s okay for wrestling results to be predictable on some occasions. This is one of those occasions. Do the right thing WWE, and end this feud here. I’ll buy you some sweets if you do. I promise.
Pick: JR and The King
Michelle McCool v Layla
To say I’m no fan of diva wrestling is certainly an understatement as regular readers will know – but regardless of my stance, there can be no denying that these two have been simply awful in recent weeks/months. Their promos are dull and ear-piercing and their in-ring work is even worse. This week on RAW, Layla had one spot to perform in her 30 second match and she even managed to blow that. And their Hall of Fame induction speech for Sunny was 100% pure pain. They’re pretty ladies – I’ll give them that – but if one of them wasn’t getting jiggy with the Dead Man, they’d surely be reduced to “looking pretty” roles rather than clogging up my WWE programming with their pile of puke performances.
The diva division is just embarrassingly bad in the modern era. Hopefully when Awesome Kong (AKA Kharma) debuts and destroys The Bellas, she’ll be given bouts against the likes of Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix (ie divas with actual wrestling ability) and then maybe the division can salvage some degree of credibility.
But who wins this match? We all lose unfortunately, merely by it just existing.
Pick: We, the WWE audience, lose – whatever the outcome.
Randy Orton v CM Punk
Rumours have recently circulated that Punk may well be leaving WWE shores in the near future, as he is reportedly refusing to sign a new contract. I sincerely hope that isn’t true, he’s a largely unsung talent on the roster and his presence will be sorely missed. Perhaps if WWE didn’t book him to lose constantly, he might be more eager to sign a new contract?! His burial at the hands of The Big Show (several times) last year was some of the most ineffective and pointless booking I’ve seen in recent years. And I’ve seen lots.
I think Orton needs to look strong heading into Smackdown as the lead face in Edge’s place… So unfortunately, Mr Punk’s fortunes won’t be changing here. How very worrying.
Pick: Orton
Alberto Del Rio v Christian
I adore Alberto Del Rio and have no doubt that he will be a major player in the WWE for many years to come… But I hope with all my might (and I’m pretty damn mighty – I can withstand a nipple cripple for about 11 seconds for example) that Christian claims the title here. He’s languished in the midcard for far too long, and a title run here would hopefully help solidify him as a main eventer for the rest of his WWE tenure.
It’s mildly depressing to think that Christian is now the only one left in WWE from the historic Attitude Era feud of E+C v The Hardys v The Dudleys. What a truly epic time that was to be a wrestling fan.
Logic would dictate that Christian gets the title here because with Del Rio being transferred to RAW where The Miz already resides, him winning would leave Smackdown without a champion…
But I just don’t see it happening. Something in my bones (marrow?) tells me that Del Rio will win on the night, and Chistian will return to midcard obscurity within a couple of weeks. But I pray to Lord Beelzebub that I’m wrong. If Chrsitian wins, it will probably be the biggest mark-out moment for me since Eddie Guerrero won the title from Brock Lesnar 7 years ago.
If Del Rio does win the title, having both champions on the same brand would only really be a short term problem (WWE could just rectify at the next PPV), and the IC and US champs both being on Smackdown already shows that WWE doesn’t have a big problem with it.
Oh, and whatever the outcome, this will be match of the night. I guarantee.
Pick: Alberto Del Rio (but I pray I’m wrong)
John Cena v John Morrison v The Miz
Look to this week’s RAW to see how much chance John Morrison has of winning this match. The fact that he was slapping around R-Truth and had absolutely zero interaction with the other two involved in this match should be a big enough clue that he’s only involved here to take the pin. But who makes the pin? It’s a tough call.
I felt quite confident that The Miz would win before this week’s RAW and the draft took place… but now that Riley has jumped ship, and Cena’s pathetically pointless draft and re-draft back to RAW was hyped to the max, I think Super Cena could well be about to embark on another title run. Zzzzzzzz.
Also, The Rock is scheduled for RAW next week, so it would seem rather fitting if Cena could rub in the fact that he is once again WWE champion whilst The Rock is gallivanting around the globe promoting a movie about men who masturbate over their cars.
Or another possible scenario could see Alberto Del Rio bringing the heavyweight strap to RAW, with The Miz retaining his title and somehow negotiating a trade to Smackdown where he can rejoin his buddy A-Ri. Both scenarios seem as likely to each other to me, but I’m gonna go for the second one because the logic makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and seeing as this is my column I have the right to feel warm and fuzzy.
Pick: The Miz
That’s if from me for now, jabronis. Add your own picks below as ever, I love it when you do.
As I said, I’m gonna be on holiday for the next few days, but I will do my best to offer any responses should the need arise. It’s why God invented iPhones after all. Thanks, God – you’re alright.
Over and out.
