Greetings Jabronis,
In this column I shall be wavering my whimsical opinion upon perhaps the only WWE performer to ever share their initials with Earthworm Jim – the ECW musclehead Ezekiel Jackson.
Ezekiel has been very much a bit part player on WWE programming for nearly 18 months now – the formation (and subsequent split) of the Jackson/Regal/Koslov trio has perhaps raised his value slightly on the WWE seismograph – but does he have the necessary traits to ever make it as a singles star? Or is he destined to flop worse than Koslov?
Ezekiel made his debut in the Summer of 2008 in a bodyguard role for The Brian Kendrick – a role that’s always excellent in giving green wrestlers some exposure and a hands-on education of the business (just ask Nash and Batista). But where did he come from? Was he the former bodyguard of The Jonas Brothers? Was he Kendrick’s boyfriend? Was he the younger brother of President Obama?
Much like my past criticism of WWE’s handling of the characterless Mike Knox, the same applies here. Ezekiel was just suddenly on TV and suddenly looking out for Kendrick – for no good reason.
This, coupled with the fact that Kendrick was never really looked upon favourably by backstage bigwigs (allegedly due to a penchant for “silly cigarettes”) Ezekiel’s overall TV time in the role was kept minimal. But then Kendrick was fired. And Ezekiel was alone. So to ECW he was banished, and there he formed the aforementioned trio. That’s a pretty detailed summary of his entire WWE career up until now. Riveting it ain’t.
A face turn and a singles push had seemed destined for Ezekiel in recent weeks but, as those of us who have seen the most recent ECW episode know, this now doesn’t seem to be the case at all. It now appears that role will be going to Koslov (my vote for worst wrestler of the year incidentally), whilst Jackson will continue to play a villain via his association with Regal. It was a set up all along godammit!
But this, dear chaps, is a good thing. Ezekiel should not be the recipient of a singles push. Because Ezekiel is still greener than the Green Bay Packers. Or The Green Goblin. Or The Jolly Green Giant. Or something that’s curiously emerald in colour. Get it? He’s green. Greeeeeeeen.
Realistically though, how long should one be able to use the “green” excuse for lackluster performances? As well as 18 months in the WWE, Ezekiel has 18 months experience at FCW under his belt – so surely now, after 3 years, he should be able to put on more than a basic 3 minute, slow prodding match? If I’d been employed as, say, the pilot of the Millennium Falcon and trained extensively for the last three years, you’d expect me to be pretty awesome pilot in the Star Wars universe by now, right? Bad comparison? Maybe…
As ever though, we know it’s not his wrestling prowess that’s ensuring McMahon continues to sign his pay cheques. Jackson has a massively impressive physique. Seriously, the guy makes the likes of Koslov and HHH look almost like regular sized humans. (I’d also like to point out how natural his physique looks. Hey Batista, why doesn’t Ezekiel have all those ugly prominent veins like you? Hmmmm?)
Regardless of McMahon’s stance on the big man, taking a look at his bouts over the entirety of his career should give you an indicator into how much confidence the bookers have in his talent.. The reason Ezekiel (and Koslov) are continuously booked in 6 man tags matches is to limit their exposure in the ring. I may be wrong here (if so, only just), but I think you might be able to count every Ezekiel Jackson WWE singles match ever on your fingers. Maybe even on one hand. That’s not a very impressive stat for someone who’s been an employee for 18 months. (Although it’s more impressive than Abraham Washington’s stats thus far… What’s the deal with that guy? Is he even supposed to be a wrestler?!)
As I mentioned above, Ezekiel’s continued association with Regal is most certainly a good thing for the behemoth. Regal is one of the most technically sound, and thus best teachers, in the entire business – so not only can Ezekiel continue to learn a thing or two from the bonafide veteran, but Regal can continue to gloss over his shortcomings. Also, Ezekiel totally has that badass heel look. He seems like the kind of chap that probably breeds rottweilers.
This isn’t to say I ever see Ezekiel becoming a breakout performer though. Far from it. Quite frankly, his matches are as thrilling as watching a bored cleaner methodically wiping a smudge from a Formica work surface. But if his in-ring career is kept to a minimum (which, I know, sounds like a bizarre option for somebody employed as a ‘wrestler’), he can certainly make an impression in WWE as an impact performer; As someone who looks out for Regal (or whoever else in the future). Just having him perform a couple of mega power moves on opponents when the ref’s back is turned will sell his power to the masses. Sure, those of us in the know will always be aware of his limitations – but WWE don’t seek to appease us, they only seek to appease the casual fans (for they are the masses). And, as an impressive specimen with the build of a triceratops, Ezekiel has the necessary traits to do that.
Finally I really can’t end this column without mentioning Ezekiel’s incredible likeness to ex-WWE employee Ahmed Johnson. He was big in the 90s dontcha know. For real, take a looksy…
… Eerie, right? The fact that Ezekiel now dons red gear too makes me think it’s not accidental at all. The wrestling industry just loves to recycle.
That’s me over and out for this year. I hope y’all enjoy the festivities with great gusto. I’ll be returning in 2010 with columns probing the likes of The Hart Dynasty and Zack Ryder as well as giving my picks for the Royal Rumble PPV. Who are you to resist? Huh?
