Greetings jabronis,
With Halloween approaching, WWE is aptly bringing us its Hell in a Cell PPV this weekend. What a marketing dream. Now if only The Boogieman was still around…
I think the company has done a commendable job of selling the brutish nature of the Cell structure over the last couple of weeks – and Mick Foley’s appearance on RAW this Monday was warmly approved by yours truly. Cell matches aside though, the rest of the card leaves a lot to be desired… There’s a big whiff of “yesterday” about it. But more on that below.
My predicitions lie-eth here…
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS
Dolph Ziggler (C) v Cesaro
(There was no graphic for this encounter on WWE.com oddly, hence the use of the Smackdown image above)
This match is the “Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston” for 2014… A bout that occurs so damn often that they the competitors involved could probably put on a respectable 12 minute match against one another with their eyes closed whilst high on meth.
The fact that The Miz and Cesaro simply swapped opponents and started chasing the other midcard title in recent weeks points to a huge lack of meaningful players in the upper-middle of the roster. WWE needs to address that pronto.
Ziggler pointlessly dropped the title at last month’s PPV (winning it back the next night on RAW) and I wouldn’t be overly surprised to see something similar occur here. But seeing as Cesaro scored the pin on RAW this week, I’m slightly leaning in favour of a Ziggler win.
Pick: Dolph Ziggler retains
DIVAS TITLE MATCH
AJ (C) v Paige
Another match that we’ve seen waaaaay too many times already this year. There’s no doubt that this pair are amongst the best female female wrestlers in the company (along with Nattie) – but over-exposure does them no favours. And the fact they keep “swapping” wins doesn’t really do any favours to the prestige of the Divas Title (which, yeah, sounds oxymoronic).
I’ll side with AJ for the win for no other reason than she elicits a better crowd response than any other diva on the roster, so keeping her as champ can do no harm. But she badly needs a new number one contender to arise beyond this night.
Pick: AJ retains
TAG TEAM TITLES
Goldust and Stardust (C) vs The Usos
Oh deary me. ANOTHER match that we’ve seen way too many times this year. Half of this PPV is gonna reek of deja-vu… Viewers will definitely suspect a major glitch in the Matrix.
Goldust and Stardust haven’t really done anything of note with their “cosmic keys” yet, so they’re my pick to retain for a lengthy run as champs. Similar to AJ and Ziggler, they really need some new opponents after HIAC.
I’m really enjoying the Stardust character incidentally. I really hope Cody Rhodes keeps completely in character when he goes through airport security checks.
Pick: Goldust and Stardust retain
1980s USA V RUSSIA STORYLINE
Big Show v Rusev
It’s surely another win for Rusev. There’s no point in having his winning streak ended by a slowing chump well into his 40s (although admittedly I would have said the same thing about Bo Dallas v R-Truth a few weeks ago).
Rusev is obviously being groomed for a feud much bigger than this, and his first loss is gonna come from someone a lot higher up the chain than The Big Show… Most likely someone who wears bright purple t-shirts, tells crap jokes and waves his hand in front of his face a lot.
If Mark Henry makes his presence known at ringside, we should wholeheartedly expect a heel turn from the man. That’s what you get for chanting “Sexual Chocolate” at him.
Pick: Rusev
US TITLE MATCH
Sheamus (C) v The Miz
Everyone reading this presumably knows how awesome Damien Sandow is so I won’t bang on about it here. Wrestling crowds are popping hugely for his hilarious antics of late – but I hope that doesn’t encourage WWE to rush a babyface turn. A feud with The Miz is surely on the horizon for Sandow, but his mimicking of The Miz is what has gotten him so over, so it would be a shame to put a stop to that right now. Let it be drawn out for at least another month, says I!
I’m predicting a full house of champions retaining on the night, with Sheamus picking up the victory here. I’m eager to believe that the next US Champion will be Rusev.
Pick: Sheamus retains
TOILET BREAK MATCH
Big Boobs Bella v Natural Boobs Bella
Two divas matches on one PPV always pisses me off – because they’re often absolute crowd-killers and 99% of wrestling fans don’t fork out their hard-earned cash for a PPV to watch genetically enhanced bimbos pretend to be wrestlers.
Whoever wins, the audience loses. Seriously – who doesn’t reach for the TV remote every time a Bella has a mic in their hand? They have about as much charisma as a cork between them. It’s beyond depressing they get so much TV time whilst guys like Christian and Tyson Kidd are hardly ever seen, and Bray Wyatt hasn’t featured on two PPV cards in a row.
Pick: The audience loses. Big time.
HELL IN A CELL
Seth Rollins v Dean Ambrose
This will surely be the match of the night. Both guys are on fire and (along with Damien Sandow!) are the most watchable guys on RAW at the mo.
They delivered a sterling effort in their lumberjack match a couple of months ago, and now they’ve been gifted with a stipulation they will allow them to play to their strengths even more – and I expect plenty of innovative spots and batshit-mental moves.
I think Ambrose needs the win more here. Rollins is in possession of the MITB briefcase which instantly boosts his credentials and makes a reign as WWE champ very likely in the next few months – so he’s going to remain a major player on TV regardless of what happens at HIAC. Ambrose, on the other hand, has yet to pick up a defining victory since The Shield disbanded… but a win inside The Cell would certainly count as a “defining win” on his CV.
So I’m predicting a clean win for Ambrose following a lengthy and, dare I say, bloody battle.
Pick: Dean Ambrose
NUMBER ONE CONTENDER
John Cena v Randy Orton
And to finish… Another match that we’ve already seen waaaaaay too many times. Way to keep things fresh, WWE!
Seeing as this match will decide the new number one contender for Brock Lesnar’s title, and that it features both of WWE’s golden boys, I’m assuming it will go on last. For me, it’s the wrong call considering Ambrose won the ‘contract on a pole’ match, but why would WWE could a flying fudge what I think? Huh?
So in order to predict who wins here, we have to work out who is most likely to next face Lesnar?
Orton emerging victorious would make a lot of sense. A face turn is well in the works, and a match against Brock Lesnar is something that’s never happened before as far as I’m aware. Also, as number one contender, the brewing feud with Seth Rollins can roll on as he continues to taunt The Viper with the MITB briefcase.
John Cena, on the other hand, is John Cena – a man who often makes Rambo look like a glorified pussy. And despite the fact he’s already had 3 matches against Lesnar since The Beast returned to WWE, would anyone really be surprised to see WWE promote the match again? (just look at the rest of the Hell in a Cell card to see that WWE has no problem whatsoever with recycling).
So it’s a tough call to make (which, obviously, is no bad thing) but, maybe because I was clubbed around the head with a bottle of whisky last night, I’m picking Orton for the win. The fact he RKO’ed Paul Heyman this week already act sas the seeds sewn for a Lesnar feud, and – as I spouted above – it’s a fresh match-up. Something WWE is desperately in need of.
Of course Cena doesn’t ever lose clean, so expect Kane or HHH or Jamie Noble or Joey Mercury or Batman or all of them to somehow get involved – ensuring that Orton emerges victorious with assistance from his buddies (and soon-to-be enemies).
Over and out.
