Greeting Jabronis,
The WWE carnival rolled on to UK shores this week and I had the chance to sample some of its delights and thusly I thought I would use this column to tell you all about it – you lucky, little minxes. I’m just too damn good to you.
I went to the NXT and Smackdown tapings so this rambling will inevitably include some spoilers… so if you don’t wanna be spoiled; please stop reading now, shut your computer down, lock it in the cupboard and go and stay with some relatives out of town for a few days. Hurry!
My WWE-related adventures kicked off with a cinema screening of the new Smackdown anniversary DVD (which was quite entertaining for the most part… I enjoyed how Chris Benoit had been removed from history) and that was immediately followed by a Q+A with guest superstars Gail Kim, Mickie James, Santino Marella and John Morrison (Oh, and Josh Matthews. Is he a superstar? I bet he likes to think so).
This was a pretty cool event as I estimate there were only about 250 people in attendance and so the whole thing had a very intimate quality to it. A couple of my Amercian chums inform me that had the same event occured in an American cinema, folk would surely have arrived in their thousands (perhaps even millions if Michael Cole was there). I don’t put this entirely down to the fact that WWE lacks popularity here in the UK… but largely because the event was barely advertised. I just happened to spot mention of it on a wrestling forum last week. Wassupwiddat?
Santino was on fine form and totally stole the event with his comedy musings. If you’re wondering where his sister Santina is – According to Santino, she is currently living in Italy with her lesbian partner and has grown a moustache and also adopted a Chinese baby from Bulgaria. Santino also performed an excellent demonstration on how to perform The Cobra move, gave tips on how to grow a great monobrow, and informed all that it was him that slammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. The guy seriously deserves his own sitcom – whatever happened to that? He also said that he would be gunning for the tag titles soon with a brand new tag team partner. Who will his new tag partner be? Stay tuned to find out. (This tease seemed genuine incidentally). I predict… Vladamir Koslov.
Gail Kim and Mickie were rather quiet on the day (as most questions were understandably directed towards the guys) but another highlight was John Morrison coolly dealing with an over-enthusiastic fan who proclaimed that he “loved him more than anyone else” (several times, and loudly) and begged him for a “pair of his wrestling trousers”. Morrison informed him that “wrestling trousers” are actually known as “tights” and also pointed out that it’s generally the girls who make such comments towards him. Another guy came over all stalker-ish and got twitchy when he told Mickie James that he writes to her on Twitter every day. I’m pretty sure there was a bulge in his pants too whilst he spoke to her… But hey, he was insanely creepy so maybe it was just a gun. Geez – some folk really do make you embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.
I didn’t pose a question to them myself incidentally – I was far too hungover to make a move for the mic (it was a Sunday after all)– but I did manage to get autographs from Santino and Mickie so that made me happy. Too eBay!
And so my second (and indeed final) stop on my short WWE adventure was to the aptly named London O2 Arena (because it’s an arena… in London… Sponsored by O2) for the NXT and Smackdown tapings. I’m exceptionally glad I didn’t get tickets for RAW incidentally – what a truly pathetic show that was this week… apart from the Kelly Kelly swimsuit bit of course. (You got me, I’m no better than the Mickie fanatic I described above)
The evening kicked off with Matt Hardy taking on Carlito for a match I assume will broadcast on Superstars… It was a routine match but Matt Hardy is a good choice to send out first as crowds always react enthusiastically towards him (despite the fact his career has been going nowhere for years).
But, in hindsight, the opening bout was an absolute Godsend… because had it started with what came next, the crowd enthusiasm may have been completely killed before it ever has a chance to blossom. What I witnessed is destined to sit upon the throne of the Wrestlecrap empire for the rest of time. The opening segment of NXT was so embarrassingly awful that I refuse to recap it. You seriously have to see it to appreciate just how truly tragic it was. I’d also like to point out that the entire audience booed the holy-Hell out of it (although, admittedly, the parts involving Wade Barrett were cheered ever so slightly due to him being a homegrown talent and stuff). I really can’t express how bad it was with mere words… and so with contradicting advice, I insist you must watch it. But do it amidst company – just in case you pass out and crack your skull.
There was no way the entertainment quality could plunge any lower after that, so perhaps the rest of the night wasn’t as great as I remember it due to me rating it on a sliding scale with that abysmal portion sitting firnly at the bottom. The rest of NXT was very enjoyable, with Christian, Regal and a very entertaining Miz putting in inspired performances (they really did outshine the rookies unfortunately).
I don’t wanna give a Smackdown recap because there are plenty of those online already, so I’ll just say it was a very enjoyable episode, and thankfully far better than the previous night’s RAW.
Mega heels Chris Jericho and CM Punk proved popular with the crowd and several chants broke out for them over the course of the night… But I have no doubts that Smackdown editors will pipe in some booing before the product goes out on TV on Friday – which is a shame. But hey, if the WWE wants to present its audience as a horde of brainless cyborgs incapable of thinking outside of what they perceive to be correct, then that’s their call to make.
One major gripe I had with the night came right near the end… Just before the Swagger v Edge v Jericho Smackdown main event took place, an advert ran on the titantron (for the benefit of the audience only I assume) hyping up the Swagger v Orton clash for the title at the Extreme Rules PPV. This was a well edited and long ad (i.e. not just a graphic that could be easily altered) that I fully expect will air on TV countless times over the next few days. So, I’d just like to say to whomever at WWE thought that it was a good idea to run that ad at that exact moment – WAY TO GIVE AWAY THE RESULT OF YOUR MAIN EVENT, JACKASS!
And one more smaller gripe – is it really fair to sell buttloads of Undertaker merchandise at the event when he isn’t even in attendance?! Being the old school fan that I am, I was disappointed that The Deadman wasn’t there… But I appreciate that being an undertaker can take up a lot of your time, as people always die unexpectedly, so perhaps he had some coffins to measure or something. Tough break.
On a final note – I am pleased to report that I didn’t feel incredibly old at the event (I’m in my mid 20s) which is always a concern during this horrid PG-era. And although there was, of course, plenty of kids in attendance – there were even more teens and “young adults”… Maybe if we keep showing up to these invents in our droves – drinking beer and cursing profusely – WWE will call an end to this soul-crushing PG-epoch sooner rather than later. Oh, Attitude Era – how I miss thee.
