Bingo’s Breakdown: Royal Rumble Predicitons

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Greetings jabronis

Ah, the Royal Rumble… that one time a year when hardcore wrestling fans, casual wrestling fans, old- school wrestling fans and folk who just enjoy piling around a friend’s house because they have a PPV all join together in one cheerful unison.

You can talk about Wrestlemania and Summerslam as being the “big guns” on the WWE calendar, and the amount of gimmick PPVs seems to expand annually – but if truth be told, the only truly unique event, and the one that everyone gets giddy for, is The Royal Rumble. There’s a joyous level of carnal gratification achieved in watching wrestlers simply try and throw one another over the top rope – and when there is often over a dozen men in the ring simultaneously, the titillation is turned up tenfold.

That, to me, is why the event is so accessible and appealing – even to outsiders. Viewers need no background knowledge of feuds, they don’t have to buy into some ridiculous stipulation and they don’t have to cringe at comical offence. This is just a tale of several large blokes trying to hurl each other onto the floor. Who can’t enjoy that?

A quick English lesson to WWE before I start with my predictions: This will be the 25th Royal Rumble, accordingly it is the 24th anniversary of the event, not the 25th anniversary… SO QUIT MARKETING IT AS SUCH, YOU FREAKING DUMBASSES!!

Anyway, onwards and upwards…

*****

John Cena v Kane

I’m having trouble buying into this feud without rolling my eyes and sighing – as it’s just so damn ridiculous. You probably knew that already, but allow me to elaborate anyway…

John Cena is close to competing in arguably one of the biggest matches in wrestling history with The Rock, and their feud seems so very real. Their styles and general conduct as human-beings seems to clash very genuinely, and their exchanges – both on Twitter and in TV promos – are always littered with hard truths and personal jabs and, again, seem very real.

And then, simultaneously, you have Cena feuding with a guy who can control fire, create “hellish pits” in the middle of the ring, can disappear at whim, grow his hair supernaturally fast and is going around breaking people’s backs. The two feuds just don’t belong in the same world!

Cena will win here of course and send a message to The Great One – WWE can’t have their mega-star losing as he prepares for their Wrestlemania showdown – I just wish that in preparation he was battling a more believable opponent, like someone from the same planet at least (which rules our Broodus Clay I guess).

I foresee Cena doing something very un-Cena like to win the match – like smashing Kane with a sledgehammer or shoving him up an elephant’s ass or something – thus giving his character an extra degree of intensity going into Wrestlemania. Although it’s mighty difficult to take that intensity seriously when Cena’s “angry face” is funny as hell.

I guess there’s always the possibility of Kane winning by stoppage (ie the ref DQs Cena for excessive force) – and then the match could end with the visual of Kane in a clear amount of pain, but also in fits of laughter as he celebrates his goal of making Cena “embrace the hate”… Either way, Cena will be the only one standing at the end of this one.

Pick: John Cena

jc

Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Mark Henry

I’m really enjoying the evolution of the Daniel Bryan character. His heel turn has been subtle and super entertaining, whilst his matches have continued to be some of the best on WWE programming, and his promos bring a cheery grin to my chops. I’m a big fan. Hooray!

Conversely, frequent readers will know that I’m no fan of The Big Show, so I was relieved to see his latest title reign last just a few seconds. I get that he brings a different dynamic to wrestling matches, and his freakish size makes him a good marketing tool for the casual fans… But in my mind’s eye he’s a blubbery, midcard novelty act. Not a main eventer.

I have very similar thoughts pertaining to Mark Henry. I admire his intensity… But despite a spell of dominance, I just can’t take someone seriously who was essentially a jobber for 15 years and is so ridiculously out of shape. Plus his beard annoys me. It’s too fluffy. (You’re a bit guilty of this too, Mr Bryan).

On to the match, it seems pretty obvious to me that the triple-threat stipulation has been executed to see Big Show and Mark Henry essentially cancel each-other out and see Daniel Bryan emerge with a lucky win. I see the two super-fat-heavyweights simultaneously knocking each-other out, leaving Bryan to escape the cage with what will be sold to us as an undeserved victory. And hey, that would be great.

At first, I thought Bryan had no chance of holding onto the belt into Wrestlemania – but I’m beginning to change my mind on that. I’m now leaning towards the winner of the Smackdown elimination chamber next month earning the right to face Bryan, who will be heading to Miami with the strap still firmly around his waist.

Pick: Daniel Bryan

*****

Dolph Ziggler v CM Punk

The Z Man gets a chance to shine in a PPV world title match, and I have high hopes that this bout will be an impressive spectacle indeed. Ziggler is surely set to be champion at some point in 2012 – and there’s nobody better than CM Punk to lose his main event virginity with. How romantic.

Somewhat unfortunately for Dolph – this match is being marketed just as much as being Punk v John Laurinaitis as it is Punk v Ziggler. It’s a shame that the commentary will no doubt focus on the guest referee’s actions rather than the offence from the two competitors… But Ziggler will inevitably have an onslaught of main event matches to come, so I’m gonna let it slide.

Of course, Johnny Ace’s actions are gonna play a big role in how this one ends, but those wrestling-minded among us will know that the chances of Punk leaving without his title belt are very slim indeed. I’m willing to bet my spleen that CM Punk will be co-headlining Wrestlemania as champion. So, however unlikely WWE would like us to believe it is, Punk will emerge victorious here.

Pick: CM Punk

*****

The Royal Rumble

WWE has really undersold the “royal rumble” part of The Royal Rumble PPV this year. I can’t believe that neither the RAW or Smackdown broadcasts this week ended with the ring choc-full of midcard wrestlers who have spontaneously decided to get involved with whatever match was happening at the time – whilst the commentators scream: “Good God Almighty! What will happen this Sunday!?!”.

Instead, WWE has been giving more focus to the world title pictures – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing I guess.

There aren’t as many “surprise entrant” rumours circulating this year as there were last year (when Booker T and Kevin Nash both fantastically made comebacks) but, inevitably, there will be a few for sure ( Mick Foley for one, has already been confirmed… so, admittedly,  that can no longer be defined as a “surprise”).

From the injury list, I think Christian and The Undertaker are both candidates to make an appearance – but it’s still too soon for Rey Mysterio, Del Rio or Sin Cara to be hopping about inside the ring. As for special appearances, I think Goldust could well be an entrant and enter to eliminate his brother, and I don’t think we can write off a cameo from The Road Dogg either.

One guy who I certainly can’t envision running to the ring is Brock Lesnar. Were he ever to return to WWE, it wouldn’t be as a surprise entrant in The Royal Rumble. WWE would want to market it to the world that he would be returning – and rightly so. He’s gonna be a big, big draw for the company if he opts for one more run as a pro-wrestler.

Realistically, I think there are only two guys who can win the rumble. A lot of us would like to believe that the likes of The Miz, Sheamus, Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes or R-Truth have a chance of winning – but for me it can only possibly boil down to two men: Randy Orton or Chris Jericho.

If Orton wins, I think it could be perceived as being very anti-climatic – because, of course, seeing Orton challenge for the title is certainly nothing new.

Y2J, on the other hand, has been out of the game for 18 months, so he returns with an aura of freshness – and there surely must be some relevance in his “end of the world” proclamation on RAW this week, and winning the rumble will give him chance to air what’s been troubling him. Thus, the sensible money here is on Jericho. Just for fun (because fun is fun) – my pick for the final four is Jericho, Sheamus, Orton and Barrett.

So, for me, it’s Jericho to win the rumble and set his sights on the World Championship – and then the most salivating feud of the year can begin to unfold: Chris Jericho vs CM Punk.

Pick: Chris Jericho

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Those are my predictions, folks. As ever, please leave your own below, I love it when you do. And also tell me who you think will be surprise entrants on the night. Would you do that for me? Come on…. Be nice.

Over and out

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