Greetings Jabronis,
Yes, my hair does look particularly awesome today – thanks for noticing – but enough with the compliments for there are more pressing issues at hand…
It would appear that the “mystery RAW GM” storyline is building to a close. Yes, this is a cause for rejoice, but let us put the party hats aside for now and hold a magnfying glass to this abomination of a tale, Sherlock Holmes style…
It would be easy (oh so easy) to go into a rant as to why this particularly storyline has made (and continues to make) such nonsensical television, but I’m gonna bite my tongue and, instead, get into the spirit of things here. I’m like the wrestling grinch who learned to love!
It would certainly seem a revelation of the GM’s identity is nigh, and thus, like an episode of Scooby-Doo (all hail the PG era!) I have drawn up a shortlist to discuss the possible identity of the email fanatic. Enjoy… Or don’t… It’s entirely up to you…
Michael Cole
He may be a frosty haired reekazoid, but he’s the number one suspect and each week his bizarre loyalty towards the GM grows with gusto, adding much weight to the theory.
Some would say that it would just be far too obvious for WWE to unveil Cole as the GM. And they would be correct in saying this. But I’d point to Paul Bearer’s recent betrayal of The Undertaker to highlight that WWE has no problem whatsoever in doing the obvious.
To make the revelation work on a logical level, Cole could admit that he never did receive any emails and was just making stuff up as he went along… And he could explain his general favourtism towards Daniel Bryan as a self –enforced method of not exposing himself. Or, better yet, that he kept putting Bryan in matches with The Miz because he genuinely believed The Miz would pummel him.
I know a lot of people have disliked the heelish personality that Cole has been developing of late – but I have to admit that I think it’s been a genuine hoot. His constant sucking up to The Miz and his bashing of The Hart Dynasty for being so mind-numbingly dull has entertained me no end. So despite him being the most obvious pick, I would have no problems at all if it does turn out to be Cole.
I’ve always enjoyed the antics of every heel commentator I can recall (Heenan, JBL, Heyman, Lawler (back in the day), Ventura, Striker, The Coach) and if WWE wants to prominently feature a heel commentator in Cole on RAW – I’m all for it.
Possibility: The firm favourite
Steve Austin/The Rock
I’m bundling these two together as I think they’re both highly unlikely candidates. To suggest that the language used by the GM could be emitted from the minds of either of these two would be a total detriment to their wrestling characters.
Stone Cold has no place as a regular on-screen persona in the PG era, and The Rock has no desire at all for a return to RAW. He’d rather be churning out quality movies such as The Tooth Fairy and Planet 51 (okay, that was good old British sarcasm –but credit where credit’s due, his cameo in The Other Guys was hysterical.)
Possibility: Non-existant
Shawn Michaels
It’s far too soon for HBK to be back on WWE television. Sure, no wrestler ever truly “retires”… but I think it will be another 12 months or so before we see Shawn Michaels return to wrestling – and I fully expect that to return to be as a performer, not a GM.
He is just a sexy boy after all – his theme music told me so.
Possibility: Slim to none
Mick Foley
Stranger things have certainly happened (once I found my missing shoe in the fridge for example) so would it really be that much of a stretch to imagine Foley back on WWE programming?
Twice in recent weeks Foley has been referenced on RAW (the commentators plugged his book, and also made a sly reference pertaining to him and Zack Ryder sharing the same hometown) and we all know that it is mighty rare for WWE to acknowledge that TNA or its performers even exist.
Secondly, just this week, Foley has publicly declared that he has “nothing more to achieve in WWE”… But those of you familiar with Micky’s finesse will be well aware that he often manipulates Internet audiences to draw them in to his storylines (see previous Al Snow and Melina tales for examples).
Sure, it’s a long shot, and I have no idea how long Mick Foley is contracted to TNA for, but if WWE are looking for a star name who’s great on the mic, loves the business and wants to limit his in-ring activity, Foley would be an absolutely perfect suitor.
Possibility: Dark horse. Very dark.
Abraham Washington
The former ECW GM’s name was tossed around a lot at the culmination of this storyline but seems to have faded away somewhat in recent months.
The problem with Abraham Washington being unveiled as the RAW GM is that it would be so hideously anti-climactic that it would surely take the level of “pissing off the audience” to uncharted heights.
The Abraham Washington character is dull, unfunny and very annoying… And as a result, Vince McMahon no doubt perceives him as being hysterically entertaining. And seeing as Vinnie Mac is the man who makes the decisions, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Washington is indeed outed as our mystery man.
Possibility: More likely than I’d care to think about.
John Bradshaw Layfield
I’m amazed how little JBL has come up in internet chatter in relation to this role. Like Foley, he’s a star name, he’s a great talker, and his best wrestling days are well behind him (if they ever existed in the first place? Zing!) whilst still possessing a fervour for the business.
I think JBL is a man who loathes being out of the limelight and would thus welcome a return to TV. Also, from a logical point of view, it would explain both the heelish antics of The GM and also why he has often favoured Daniel Bryan in his decisions (JBL’s genuine hatred of The Miz is well documented).
I think I recall JBL leaving the WWE on fairly shaky ground upon his last departure… But Vince and he are both businessmen, and if bringing JBL back in a GM role is good for business, then it won’t take the pair long to kiss and make-up.
Possibility: Pinkish steak (that is to say, medium/rare)
The McMahon family
With Linda running for Preseident of the Planet Lesbo (or whatever is), and Shane distancing himself from the grapple game, I think it’s safe to write those two off.
And so devastating was the disappointment of Vince being unveiled as ‘The Higher Power’ in The Ministry of Darkness days that I think (and hope) that he wouldn’t pull a similar stunt again.
So that leaves Stephanie… She’s inevitably gonna be an on-screen character again sooner or later (like her father, she hugely enjoys being the centre of attention) and, because of the well documented arrogance of The McMahons, she would certainly consider herself a bg enough name for the revelation not to be a dissappoinment.
Possibility: Vince, Shane, Linda – No chance in Hell (ha ha – get it?). Steph is certainly a possibility though.
Triple H
His return is surely imminent, and what better way to do it than to launch himself right into the centre of the biggest storyline in WWE (I say it’s the biggest because Nexus is kinda boring me already).
Of course, there would need to be a good explanation as to why he’s been hiding behind a computer for so long as it doesn’t really suit his hard-ass character… but perhaps I shouldn’t get so hung up on logic, because WWE writers obviously don’t concern themselves with it.
I suppose the question needs to be asked, once the GM is revealed, will they carry on serving as GM? If that is the case, then I don’t think HHH is our man – because he’ll be returning as a full-time wrestler, and having a full time wrestler act as full time GM is just silly. But there’s me throwing around that infernal logic concept again….
Possibility: Probably second favourite after Cole
Vickie Guerrero
Vickie Guerrero is an awesome heel, but I think to reveal her as the RAW GM would be a real cop-out. She’s been stuffed down the throats of Smackdown audiences so frequently that she’s already on the precipice of over-exposure – and thus there’s no need to do the same thing to RAW audiences. That is to say, WWE needs less Vickie, not more.
Possibility: Possible, but would ultimately be a bad choice
Joey Styles
Similar to Abraham Washington – as much as I like Joey Styles – I believe were he revealed to be the man behind the computer it would just be largely perceived as being massively anti-climatic.
Furthermore, the modern WWE product wants to distance itself from the history of ECW as much as possible because, as we’re all well aware, blood and violence upsets children. That’s why the Grand Theft Auto video games never sell well.
Possibility: Naaaaah
Bret Hart
The Hitman has been off of TV a lot of late, but I don’t think that adds any weight to the possibility of him being the culprit. The GM has already interacted with him directly and put him in matches he doesn’t want to be in on more than one occasion.
Besides, the GM has displayed a heelish side – and Bret Hart certainly didn’t return to the WWE to play a heel. It’s very difficult to boo a man who’s favourite colour is pink anyway… there’s an aura of homophobia about it, and nobody whats to be labelled a homophobe (unless you’re the Ultimate Warrior).
Possibility: Wouldn’t make sense. So no.
Paul Roma
I would laugh for a week. Probably longer.
Possibility: I can only hope
Well there’s my run down. Have I left anyone obvious out? Please add your own ideas in the comments section below. I promise I won’t shout at you – we’re all friends here… But I can’t promise that I won’t make fun of your hair. That’s just the bully inside me.
Over and out.
Bingo’s Breakdown: Who is the RAW GM?
