Greetings jabronis,
The big one is upon us. Nope, that isn’t a joke about your fat girlfriend sitting on me, it refers to Wrestlemania. Yes it does. Number 27 is home to some of the best storylines WWE has conceived since the dreaded PG-era took hold, and I for one am greatly anticipating the spectacle.
I don’t wanna waste any of your precious time banging on about how meaningful Wrestlemania is – presumably you already know that or else you wouldn’t be here – so I’m donning my thinking cap right away (it has a pink feather on it and everything) and will dive head-first into my thoughts and predictions for each match. Please cast you gaze below and toggle your eyes to “read mode”.
Cody Rhodes v Rey Mysterio
It’s pleasant indeed to see a young buck like Cody Rhodes battling such an established and respected opponent at Wrestlemania. His stock has rose massively in WWE in the last few months, pretty much at the same speed that DiBiase’s has declined. Ain’t that always the way when a tag team splits?
Will Rey Mysterio be unmasked here? It would certainly be poetic timing seeing as Sin Cara, another masked dude, debuts the next night – thus keeping just one masked man on the roster. But I don’t see it happening… I think WWE would prefer to keep Rey masked for a future mask v mask match with the fellow Mexican high-flyer. I’m already salivating over those encounters.
Doesn’t being “unmasked” seem a little underwhelming n context. If Rey Mysterio was unmasked, is not as if the world is gonna collectively gasp at the fact that he has a face.
Anyways, I see Rey Mysterio getting the victory here, but the outing will do Cody no harm. Rey will undoubtedly make Cody look like a million bucks in the process – and if the feud continues, Rey will of course do the duty of lying down for Cody at the next PPV. That’s just the kind of gentleman that he is. I bet he tips heavily too.
Pick: Rey Mysterio
Daniel Bryan v Sheamus
When this match was first rumoured, I felt a refreshing twinge of anticipation sparkle through me. Here you had two young and very able performers with contrasting styles that could provide a truly titillating battle.
Then WWE gave us the match for free on RAW twice in the space of 8 days. What the hell kind of retarded booking is that?! Now I’ll be seeing them fight in a one-on-one capacity for the 3rd time in the space of just a few weeks – and thus my twinge of anticipation is now pretty non-existent.
With that said, the pair should put on a decent show, and it’s still a tough one to predict… But as I’m predicting some heel title victories further down the card, I’m gonna for a face win here solely for the fact that it helps to maintain a balance. You dig?
Pick: Daniel Bryan
The Corre v Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella, Vladimir Koslov
Yes, it’s a filler match, but a lot of the guys deserve a spot at Wrestlemania (particularly Santino – he’s so constantly entertaining) so I’ve no problem with it being on the card.
The Corre need to be establishing themselves as genuine threat, so a loss to a band of thrown together misfits would be pretty pointless. I see them picking up a cheap victory in what will probably be a short match.
I feel bad for Kofi for not being involved in this match and missing out on a Wrestlemania spot. That will teach him for being so damn sloppy.
Pick: The Corre
John Morrison, Trish Stratus, Snooki v Dolph Ziggler, Lay Cool
If the above match doesn’t indicate that it’s time for a bathroom break and a visit to the merchandise stands, then this one certainly does.
I totally understand why WWE has done it – apparently Snooki’s whorish antics have made her a rather large celebrity in the US – and so her involvement may well attract a new breed of fans to Wrestlemania.
It is unfortunate that two guys with the level of talent that John Morrison and Dolph Ziggler possess are lumbered into a mixed tag match – but at least they didn’t suffer the same fate as Kofi. And I’d like to think the pair will certainly have the chance to headline Wrestlemanias in the future.
Of course the face trio will win here, with Snooki scoring the pinfall for her team. Then WWE will have the Kodak moment they so desire that will ensure the match gets publicity across a stream of media outlets that normally wouldn’t give WWE the time of day.
Pick: Trish, Morrison and Snooki
Michael Cole v Jerry Lawler
The result of this one is in doubt whatsoever, but that won’t stop it being a thoroughly entertaining spectacle.
Michael Cole has wonderfully played such a hateful heel that audiences will simply adore seeing him finally get his comeuppance. And with Jack Swagger no doubt eating a Stone Cold Stunner or two from Steve Austin, the crowd is gonna be wild for this one.
I’d love to see one more match from Austin, but alas I fear “special geust referee” is as much as he’s ever gonna get involved. It’s been 8 years since Austin’s last match. That’s just scary.
Pick: Jerry Lawler
Randy Orton v CM Punk
This match keeps falling off my radar for some unexplainable reason… Both guys have done stellar jobs in injecting the feud with meaning (particularly Punk – he’s insanely good on the mic) and I have no doubts that the two will accomplish putting on a Wrestlemania-calibre match up.
But I guess with the world title matches, HHH v Taker and Lawler v Cole all getting more TV time in the build up over the last few weeks, the match does feel lower down the card than it should be. And that’s a mighty shame.
I expect this feud to continue onto the next PPV (where a stipulation will surely feature) but for now – with the leg injury angle being brought it – I’m leaning (in a Michael Jackson kind of way) in favour of a Punk victory. But it’s a tough call.
Pick: CM Punk
HHH v The Undertaker
I’m not sure (nobody is) if this is gonna go out as the final bout or not, but I have no beef if it is. The Streak has become synonymous with Wrestlemania, and I don’t think it does too much damage to the world titles if it takes presidence over them at just one PPV a year. In truth, it’s become more important than any world title anyway.
I fully expect an Undertaker victory here, and whilst the match won’t match the classic heights reached by the Undertaker v HBK bouts from the last two Wrestlemanias, I still predict this will be match of the night. HHH and Taker may not be the same performers they were a decade ago, but they still know how to tell a story and they will amp up the electricity on the grandest stage of them all. I wouldn’t expect anything less.
There will inevitably be near-falls aplenty, but The Undertaker will get the win cleanly (a HBK run-in would cheapen the match – and WWE knows this) following a tombstone (or two) in the middle of the ring.
Saviour the moment, people – for many predict this will be The Undertaker’s penultimate Wresltemania. How melancholy… in a heroic way. Who will be The Undertaker’s potential 20th victim next year? I say John Cena. Or possibly Hornswoggle.
Pick: The Undertaker
Edge v Alberto Del Rio
So me forecasting Christian being added to this match proved spectacularly wrong, and that’s a mighty shame. Christian will of course be involved in the match in some capacity, but a guy of his talent really should be featured on the card in his own match. I guess he didn’t heal up quite soon enough to create a storyline.
All signs point to a Del Rio victory here, but will it come as a result of a Christian heel turn? I certainly hope so. Christian’s run as a WWE heel in 2005 was absolute gold, and I’ve been itching for him to shed his babyface persona ever since he returned to Vince’s land. (Remember those skits with Tomko? Priceless.)
I really hope this match gets to go a good 20 minutes or so. Del Rio is an absolutely fantastic worker, but I don’t feel we’ve had the chance to truly see that in WWE yet as most weeks we see him booked in short, cheap finish bouts. Hopefully Wrestlemania will prove the catalyst for better, longer matches. And being WWE Champion, you’d have to expect that (unless your name is The Great Khali).
Pick: Alberto Del Rio
The Miz v John Cena
The smart money is on Super Cena to claim the title and continue his no-selling dominance over anyone else who dare step into the ring with him…
But maybe my money isn’t feeling so smart, because I am firmly of the belief that The Miz will retain here. I think WWE has deliberately made The Miz second fiddle in the match-up, taking a backseat to Cena’s feud with The Rock, and by emerging victorious here he can cement his place as an epic braggart heel with countless “I told you all” remarks.
If truth be told, Cena doesn’t need the belt, and The Miz does. A win over Cena at Wresltemania would help solidify The Miz’s place as a genuine headliner and not a fluke champion. I hope WWE has the sense to see this. It may not be the happy ending that will delight the kiddy fans in attendance, but it would certainly be the best decision in the long run, business wise. And I think (I hope?) Vince has the grapefruits to acknowledge this. Rumour has it that Vince is a big Miz fan too. I wonder if he sleeps in a Miz T-shirt?
Of course, The Rock will get involved here, but how and when, I’m not really sure. There’s definitely plenty more to come in the Rock/Cena feud though. I think both guys can continue to stay babyface, with Cena appealing to the younger generation and The Rock tickling the chops of the more mature fans, and – as I spouted in my column last week – I firmly predict we’re gonna be treated to a John Cena v The Rock match at Summerslam. And that will be momentous.
So if The Rock does assist The Miz in retaining the title, it will be inadvertently. And he’ll have the chance to explain that on RAW the next night.
Pick: The Miz
I’m attending a Japan Benefit Concert on Sunday (Liam Gallagher, Paul Weller, Primal Scream… awesome) so will be returning home late in a drunken stupor… But I will do my best to watch Wrestlemania live through my hazy eyes, though chances are I’m gonna have to watch it a second time to remember what happened – so at least I’ll be getting my money’s worth! Hooooooo! And as soon as it’s sunk in, I will return to share my opinions with you all.
Enjoy Wrestlemania, ladies and jellyspoons – and please add your own predictions below. I love it when you do.
Over and out.
