Greetings jabronis,
I hope your find yourselves wonderfully content on this, another one of God’s glorious days. Or if you don’t believe in God – then Sauron, The Oracle, Superman whoever… it’s totally your decision who you direct your prayers at.
Anyways, I got into a conversation with a chum very recently regarding the accessories we remember being packaged alongside our old-school, Hasbro WWF action figures (the rubber Damien snake with Jake Roberts and the guitar with Honky Tonk Man being among my favourites)… And then the conversation quickly turned to how disappointed we were that certain figures weren’t sold with their trademark accessories (no urn with The Undertaker for example – how crushing for the 9 year old me!).
And yep, you guessed it (the column title was also a major give-away), from there the conversation evolved into our favourite wrestling accessories of all time… Or, for the lack of a better all-encompassing term, I’ve decided to go with the “foreign objects” label. Is that a better, more obvious term that I’m forgetting? Probably.
This was a hoot to write, and a great reason for me to delve in to the archives labelled “nostalgia” filed somewhere near the back of my murky brain. And no, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s 2×4 will not feature… because it was just a piece of wood. Enjoy!
10. The Legion of Doom – shoulder-pads
To kids worldwide, the Legion of Doom ‘s spiked shoulder-pads were insanely badass. If I could get my hands on some of those bad boys today, I swear I’d wear them on the train to work every morning, thus ensuring that people would treat me with an incredible amount of respect. You’ll see.
I remember Legion of Doom facing the Nasty Boys in a No-DQ match at Summerslam 91, and I was convinced that they were actually gonna wrestle with their spikes on, with my logic being: What would be the point in taking them off if you can’t get disqualified?
Sadly I was wrong. But The Legion of Doom still won that night, so well done them.
Were these shoulder-pads ever actually used as a weapon? In any wrestling company? I can’t recall it ever happening, but please let me know if I’m wrong. Regardless of that, they still get included here on the grounds of their aforementioned badassedness.
9. Al Snow – Head
The “Head” prop (essentially just a mannequin head with “help me” painted backwards on its forehead that the “crazy” Al Snow had one way conversations with) very nearly got Al Snow over in a big way. The gimmick firstly got him over hugely in ECW, and a similar success was initially predicted by many when he brought the character to WWE. But any push that WWE did give him quickly diminished (because it wasn’t a Vince created character after all) and Snow soon found himself relegated to a mere notch above jobber status for the duration of his WWE career. What a shame.
The biggest controversy pertaining to “Head” wasn’t down to the fact that its name was slang for oral sex, surprisingly – but came courtesy of the Al Snow action figure. You see, the Al Snow action figure came with a Head accessory, rightly so, but one over-imaginative mother mistook the mannequin head to be an actual severed human head (and furthermore believed the “help me” moniker was etched in blood) and hurriedly made her complaint to the bloodthirsty media who stupidly agreed with her. Thus, toy chains across the globe swiftly pulled the toy from the shelves. Poor Al – I bet he lost a huge portion of merchandising fees over that one.
Still, if you happen to have one now, I hear they can be quite the collectible. Lucky you. To eBay!
8. Papa Shango – Smoking skull
I adored (and still do) the Papa Shango character. He emphasised everything that was gloriously goofy about early 90s wrestling and is fondly remembered by all my friends who have now “grown out of wrestling” (the fools!). Here you had a voodoo doctor who could summon fire, induce vomiting, make tar drip from Ultimate Warrior’s head (honestly) and also deliver a nasty shoulder-breaker. What a CV!
The smoking skull he carried with him seemed to be the key to him summoning darkness, where under a nefarious cloak of spontaneous nightfall he would commit his heinous acts.
So, a foreign object that summons darkness… It doesn’t get much more awesome than that.
7. Mankind – Socko
It was a total accident involving a skit with Vince McMahon, but somehow Mick Foley got a sock puppet over with the masses in a major way – and Foley himself admits that, despite a storied career, pulling a grubby sock from his groin area is likely the thing he is best known for the world over.
I’m pretty damn certain that WWE even sold Socko puppets at their merchandise stands. Only someone as evil as Vince could charge kids premium prices for a sock with a face painted on it.
6. Rick The Model Martel – Arrogance Spray
Once in a while, a gimmick comes along that sounds so terrible on paper that you automatically assume you’re gonna totally loathe it… But somehow, the performer(s) in question makes it work. Think Doink (a heel clown), The Spirit Squad (male cheerleaders) and Repo Man (a, er, repo man). They had no right to be entertaining whatsoever with the lame gimmicks they were lumbered with but, by jove, they made them work and they were jolly entertaining.
The Model falls into this category as well. Rick Martel portrayed a male model (complete with a giant pin-badge informing everyone of the fact) who was obsessed with his looks and style – and he carried off the persona with immense believability. Kudos to Cody Rhodes for successfully resurrecting the gimmick in recent times, incidentally.
Martel’s accessory of choice was an atomiser that contained his own personal scent (long before celebrities jumped on that bandwagon) aptly labelled “arrogance” that he sprayed as he made his way to ring. How brilliant is that? Wrestling fans do stink after all.
Although it’s not essentially a weapon as such, The Model did once use the spray to temporarily blind Jake The Snake, which resulted in the two having an awful blindfold match at Wrestlemania 7. Why WWE thought anyone would want to see two uppercard guys, who were both talented workers, wrestle one another whilst blindfolded is beyond me.
5. Perry Saturn – Moppy
Moppy was WWE comedy at its finest. As punishment for legitimately hammering the crap out of a green wrestler in a dark match, Perry Saturn’s character was scripted to fall in love with a mop following a blow to the head that left him somewhat simple.
Cue hilarious backstage skits as Saturn got romantic with the mop and various other performers tried to take “her” away from him and snap him out of his dumb spell. Saturn even had himself a catchphrase at the time, populating his conversations with the declaration of “you’re welcome” at random intervals.
Rumour has it that WWE officials even ordered Saturn to carry Moppy through airports and such when travelling to arenas. On the mirth!
4. HHH – Sledgehammer
Mr Helmsley’s sledgehammer has taken an extended leave of absence in recent times due to the onslaught of the PG-era (and because of HHH’s general inactiveness I guess)… But what a totally awesome weapon to see simply due to the sheer ridiculous nature of it.
A sledgehammer? In professional wrestling? Yeah – that’s fair! What sort of a tough guy needs a sledgehammer to win matches anyway? Shame on you, HHH!
I’m frustrated by the fact that HHH has never managed to successfully connect a hammer blow to his opponent’s head – they always duck out of the way in time and he smashes it against the ring-post instead. Why HHH hasn’t been arrested for attempted murder on several occasions remains a mystery.
3. The Honky Tonk Man – Guitar
Long before Jeff Jarrett made the shoddily manufactured guitar his weapon of choice, The Honky Tonk Man was smashing the stringed instrument over the heads of any foolish opponent who dared to turn their back on him. It’s become a staple weapon in wrestling ever since, and is nearly as iconic as the steel chair (ya know, the ones that are actually plastic).
People love seeing folk get smashed over the head with guitars. It’s a fact of life.
2. The Mountie – cattle prod
Akin to The Model, see The Mountie as another example of a potentially poor gimmick made impossibly entertaining by its portrayer. The Mountie was as OTT as they come and, even as a kid who despised heels, I recall lapping up his schtick with enthusiastic glee. And what an amazing entrance theme he had too!
The Mountie liked to electrocute his jabroni opponents with a cattle prod once he’d pinned them – or if he was struggling to win a match against a known superstar, he’d give them a quick frying with the cattle prod (usually tossed to him by manager Jimmy Hart) whilst the ref’s back was turned.
I adored how the WWE programme makers would pipe in a comical electric buzzing sound over TV broadcasts as The Mountie tortured his opponents – that truly was a funsome addition. And who can ever forget the time Roddy Piper countered its effects by wearing a shock proof vest under his Hot Rod T-shirt? The Mountie’s actions essentially turned wrestling into a live action, ultra-violent Loony Toons cartoon. And that’s no bad thing.
1. The Undertaker – The Urn
As I mentioned at the start of this column, I remember being truly miffed that the first ever Undertaker action figure didn’t come with the urn accessory. How was my Undertaker figure supposed to thwart all my other plastic performers without the power of the urn to aid him?
I think the urn is a fantastic (and often hilarious) addition to The Undertaker character, and I always enjoy the times WWE decides to return it to TV. Many folk over the years have felt the wrath of Paul Bearer and had the urn smashed against their skull – The Undertaker included! That’ll teach them for calling him pale and fat.
From dismissing ungodly gasses to emitting heavenly beams, to being melted down and made into bling – the urn has seen and done it all. To me, the urn totally deserves its very own induction into the WWE hall of fame.
So there’s my top 10 folks. As ever – please add your own below, I loooove it when you do – or remind me of any particularly kick-ass ones that I might have missed out and I shall be forever indebted.
Over and out.
