The John Report: The WWE Raw Deal 01/30/12


The John Report: The WWE Raw Deal 01/30/12
By John Canton
Follow me on Twitter at @johnreport

 


 

Live from Kansas City, Missouri this is the Raw Deal…

The show started with the Nickelback song and then the pyros hit, so I guess we have pyro this week. Ring announcer Justin Roberts introduced interim Raw GM John Laurinaitis, who is having his job evaluation tonight. He goes around the ring shaking hands with some of the fans. Big smile on his face. Cole plugged that Royal Rumble winner Sheamus will be there later.

Laurinaitis said he’s done a good job and that everybody makes mistakes, but it’s important to not make the same mistake twice. He said his review would be done by a Triple H, who he sucked up to. Laurinaitis said he did a fair job at the Rumble. He announced the six man WWE Title match for Elimination Chamber, which he called Elimination (forgetting Chamber) the first time he said it.

The WWE Title match at Elimination Chamber is CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho. No tall guys. All of them around the same size. It will be a great match. I’m pumped for it.

He announced matches for tonight: Beth Phoenix vs. Eve, Kofi Kingston vs. Miz, Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton and a first time ever match (in WWE at least) CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan. Oh yeah that’s a great match although I wouldn’t give that away on free TV. It’s non-title of course. CM Punk’s music hit.

CM Punk walked out singing the “na-na-na-na-nah-hey hey hey goodbye” song along with the crowd. He put the microphone on Jerry Lawler & Justin Roberts to sing the “goodbye” part when he got there. Then he got in the ring to confront JL. Laurinaitis said he is owed an apology because he did a great job at the Rumble. Punk said he walked out there to see him one last time. He said he enjoys seeing him stumble over words and is amazed at how Laurinaitis can manage to suck and blow at the same time. That’s a famous line, but he did it well. He can’t wait for Triple H to kick his carcass out the front door. Isn’t he still the VP of Talent Relations? JL said he’s honest and the Board of Directors knows that. He wants to start new. He wanted to shake his hand. Punk threatened him saying that the only reason he should extend his hand is if he wanted to go to sleep. There is Daniel Bryan’s music.

The World Champ walks out to the ring. “Hey everyone it’s me the World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan!” He says nobody cares about their petty personal problems. He said while they were having their issues, he beat Show & Henry in a cage match. He said Punk isn’t much of a challenge compared to what he went through last night. Punk says: “You’re right. All I am is the best wrestler in the world.” Bryan says that’s great, but he’s more than just a wrestler. Bryan: “I’m a role model. I’m a vegan. I don’t even eat meat!” Punk asks him what does he eat? Bryan says if he makes jokes he’ll take his pipe bomb and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Punk says “clown shoes” Laurinaitis just wants to create something. Punk says what they should do is give Kansas City the best wrestling match in the world. Crowd cheered. I did too.

The music of Sheamus hit. He reminded us that he won the Royal Rumble. He also told Punk & Bryan they’re defending their titles at the Elimination Chamber. He also reminded JL he could get fired and that he’ll be in the main event of WrestleMania. Not really the main event, but it’s fun to say. He wished both champions good luck. No choice it. “May HHH kick you in the arse so hard that you’ll be throwing up in your undies.” Something like that. Then he left.

The segment ended with Punk and Bryan staring eachother down. They shook hands. Oh hell yeah this is the match I want to see.

Orton vs. Ziggler after the break.

It was an entertaining opening that took nearly 20 minutes. They announced a lot of matches, we saw both major champions and the winner of the Rumble match, so they covered a lot in that one segment. Punk’s confidence would suggest that Laurinaitis will remain in the role although that’s just a guess on my part. I assume we’ll find out Sheamus’ decision after the Elimination Chamber PPV. He mentioned both titles being on the line at that PPV, so it would make sense if they did that.

(Commercial)

Back from break, Josh Mathews was in the luxury skybox of Wade Barrett, who had a vested interest in this match. Orton’s music hit. They announced Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett on Smackdown. Barrett said he’d finish the job for good on Smackdown this week. Dolph Ziggler walked out next with Vickie Guerrero.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler
These two had an incredible match on Raw a couple of months ago that made me want to see more. Here’s hoping they get a lot of time. They talked to Barrett while the match was going on, which was a little distracting although it did mean less Cole & Lawler talking so I guess that’s okay. Orton dominated the action early, but Dolph came back with a sweet dropkick to the back of the head. They went to break about 3 minutes into the match.

(Commercial)

When they returned from break, Orton was making a comeback. Ziggler managed to slow it down with a neckbreaker. Ziggler followed it with situps to taunt Orton, which fits into his “show off” gimmick. Ziggler went to the top, but Orton tripped him up. Vickie screamed at ringside. Orton hit his top rope superplex. How is that bad back doing? That earns a two count for Orton. Orton hit the spinning powerslam. He went for his DDT off the ropes, but Dolph fought out of it and gave Orton the sleeper. Randy threw him off and hit a beautiful cradle for two. Ziggler came back with the Fameasser/Rocker Dropper for a great nearfall of his own. They need to give that name a move for Ziggler. Orton blocked a Zig Zag and clotheslined Zigger over the top rope. He whipped Ziggler into the boards and followed that up with the DDT off the ropes. RKO. That’s it for the victory at the 11 minute mark.
Winner: Randy Orton

Analysis: *** That was fun. I’m not sure if it’s a great idea to have Ziggler lose clean two nights in a row, but obviously Orton is a top guy that they are going to put over others more often than not. They did an excellent job of building up the believable nearfalls too. I like their chemistry. It would be nice to see them in a feud that leads to a longer match down the road.

They plugged CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan for later.

They also promoted the next WWE Hall of Fame announcement. We already know it’s Mike Tyson. They mentioned it on Twitter. It’s on ESPN. Tyson was the one that broke the news early this morning.

(Commercial)

We return with the WrestleMania 28 video package. The song is called “Invincible” in case you’re looking for it. WrestleMania 28 is 62 days away. I’ll be there.

The announcers narrated the Cena/Kane match from the Rumble. Summary: Kane beat everybody up. Eve cried. Here’s my Royal Rumble recap.

Back from break, Laurinaitis shook hands with Regal. He’s trying to be nice to everybody. He asked Regal about his sons, but William told him they were daughters. In other words, JL really doesn’t care. Regal said they were conjoined twins that he keeps up in the attic. A little bit funny, but lame too. Why not just put Regal at the announce desk? He’s great at it. Then Laurinaitis saw Curt Hawkins, said hi to him and we went to a break.

Not a lot of “action” before that break. Weak segment.

(Commercial)

They returned to tell us that the Royal Rumble was the most socially active show on television. That’s nice.

It’s Funkasaurus time with Brodus Clay. There’s a disco ball above the ring now. Brodus does his dance at the top of the ramp with the girls. If you’re surprised that he wasn’t in the Rumble all I can say is they probably didn’t want to have him get thrown out the match. No weaknesses for Brodus. They are only focusing on his dance. Of course Cole & Lawler overreact to this as if it’s the greatest thing ever. The crowd enjoyed it after the pyro went off.

Brodus Clay vs. Tyler Reks
Lawler said this was a Funkasaurus vs. T-Rex (or Reks) and that this was straight out of Jurassic Park. Brutal joke. Reks hit a dropkick, knocking Brodus to a knee. Brodus hit a belly to belly suplex and a punch to the back of the head. He finished it off with the What The Funk finisher. Match went about a minute.
Winner: Brodus Clay

Analysis: NR It’s the same thing they’ve done since he debuted. One of these weeks they’ll have to give him a storyline. Not this week apparently.

They promoted the “Will HHH fire Laurinaitis?” story for later. I assume that’s going on last.

Backstage, Bryan talked to Punk in the locker room. He told Punk that eating meat is like putting poison in your body. Punk told him he doesn’t drink alcohol or do drugs and he doesn’t claim to be a role model like Bryan. “I’m just the best wrestler in the world.” That was a segment to get over their beliefs more than anything. I’m sure Vince McMahon finds the whole vegan thing to be bizarre, so that’s why he likes to make it into a bad thing.

The Punk vs. Bryan match is up next. And the collective Internet Wrestling Community is having a joygasm in anticipation.

(Commercial)

They came back from break plugging the Royal Rumble from last night.

We’re at the top of hour two now. Punk entered the ring first. Bryan next. It’s odd that they’re doing WWE Champ vs. World Champ without much hype, but it is a non-title match done for the sake of putting on a good matchup. I understand if people are going to complain about them doing it. However, my opinion is this is going to be a great f’n match and I’m going to enjoy it.

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
They started with a handshake. It was a nice ode to their Ring of Honor heritage. Bryan got the control early, trying to weaken Punk by working on his upper body. Meanwhile, the announcers were talking about how Cole is starting to get respect for Bryan. Bryan charged into Punk, who countered with a back body drop over the top to the floor. They exchanged uppercuts on the floor. Bryan won that battle and whipped Punk into the boards. Bryan went back in the ring, proud of his work. Punk got back in the ring before the count of ten. They noted that “Champion vs. Champion” is trending. Punk came back with a backbreaker for two. Bryan whipped him into the corner, he went for his dropkick and Punk avoided it. He covered Bryan for two. They each ran the ropes and collided with a double crossbody block. They went to break at the six minute mark with both guys down.

(Commercial)

Back from break, they showed Bryan hitting a dropkick to the arm of Punk. He continued to focus on the left arm and shoulder of Punk, which of course sets up his LeBell Lock finisher. Bryan went to the top, Punk blocked it with a kick and hit a hurricanrana off the top rope. As he did the move, he yelled “BEST IN THE WORLD” in Bryan’s face. That was good. Punk hit a dropkick, clothesline and a spinning neckbreaker. The running knee in the corner and the bulldog followed. He signaled for the GTS, Bryan got out of there and bailed to the floor. Punk with a baseball slide. He went for a dive to the floor but Bryan crushed him with a forearm smash to the face. Missile dropkick by Bryan for two. Awesome match. They exchanged holds at such a fast pace that it’s hard to cover everything. Bryan got a hurricanrana for two after a couple of nearfalls. Bryan hit a hard kick to the face. Punk gets his shoulder up. Best nearfall of the match so far as we hit the 13 minute mark.

Bryan takes Punk over to the corner for a superplex. Punk fights it off and hits a headbutt to knock Bryan down. He looks into the crowd. Top rope elbow time. He hits it for a count of two. Punk goes for the GTS, but Punk countered into a pin attempt for two. Bryan went for a LeBell Lock. Punk fought off, slingshot into the corner and a kick to the head. Bryan was on the apron. Out of nowhere, Chris Jericho attacked him, throwing him into the boards. Match went about 15 minutes.
Winner: Daniel Bryan via DQ

After he threw Bryan away from the ring, Chris Jericho went in the ring and hit a Codebreaker on Punk. Jericho left. Bryan celebrated the win in a hilarious manner.

Analysis: **** It gets four stars out of five for me. That was an exceptional wrestling match between two of the best wrestlers alive. You can argue for others if you want, but I’d put them at the very top of the list. The amount of close nearfalls were great, the counter wrestling they did was at a very high level and they worked at the perfect pace. Obviously the lack of a finish hurts the ending a bit, but it was still a great 15 minute wrestling match that’s as good as any TV match WWE has had in a long time. More please.

The Jericho involvement sets the stage for the heavily rumored Punk vs. Jericho match at WrestleMania, so I’m fine with that. I want to see that match at WrestleMania 28. If this is the start of that build then that’s wonderful.

They announced Mike Tyson for the WWE Hall of Fame. As far as celebrities go, his impact was huge for WWE. His involvement in the Austin/Michaels story in early 1998 was huge. It was a big deal then. Looking back it could have been a difference maker for why WWE passed WCW. The Austin/Tyson shoving match on Raw was epic. One of those moments I’ll never forget. I’m fine with Tyson going into the celebrity ring of the WWE Hall of Fame.

R-Truth walked out not in his ring gear. I guess he’s speaking to us next.

Plug time.

Satirical Wrestling News Site Launches
A very different kind of wrestling news website has emerged in the past couple of weeks. Kayfabe News (kayfabenews.com) offers satirical, completely fictional “news” that lampoons the weird world of professional wrestling. A few headlines will give you a taste of the site’s satirical slant: – WWE Hall of Fame closed for renovations, – Ultra-real WWE video game will suspend players for wellness policy violations & – WWE medics puzzled by 100% decline in small gashes to the forehead.

The site has earned high praise from people within the wrestling world. Jim Ross called it “funny stuff,” Colt Cabana deemed it “hilarious,” and the Funkasaurus himself, Brodus Clay, said “I love it!” The creator of Kayfabe News, a longtime Pro Wrestling Illustrated writer and professional journalist, says the site will be updated daily with new stories. You can follow it on Twitter (@kayfabenews) and join the Facebook group (facebook.com/kayfabenews). Visit now!

(Commercial)

R-Truth joins Cole & Lawler at the announce desk. He’s there for the Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz match. Miz said people were talking about Kofi’s handstand, but he’s the one that lasted the longest in the Rumble. He said he’d beat everybody in the Elimination Chamber and he’ll headline WrestleMania again because he’s The Miz and he’s awesome.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
Miz started out in control. Cole said Miz was the favorite in the Elimination Chamber match. Um, no. Then Cole asked about Little Jimmy and Truth said he talked to Little Jimmy, not about him. Well there ya go. Insight from R-Truth. Miz grabbed a headlock to slow down the offense of Kingston. Kingston has question marks on his tights, so maybe he’s The Riddler now. The Miz’ attempt at his corner clothesline, got countered by Kofi getting the boots up. Nice crossbody by Kofi gets two. Cole w as asking Truth where Little Jimmy is. Yes it’s as silly as it sounds. Kingston ended up hitting Trouble in Paradise out of nowhere to win after about 6 minutes.
Winner: Kofi Kingston

Analysis: *1/2 A decent TV match, but didn’t have enough time to get into another gear. Kingston barely got offense in. He made it count with the Trouble in Paradise for the win. Miz lost to Truth clean last week and now to Kingston.

Backstage, David Otunga sucked up to Laurinaitis, telling him he hopes he keeps his job. JL was nervous, wondering if Otunga wanted his job. He told him no, that he’s content in his current role. Then he left as they went to break.

(Commercial)

They returned from break showing the WrestleMania 28 sign in the video. The video package about The Rock aired. It’s the same video that aired during the Royal Rumble. The moral of the story is that The Rock is really rich, I think. I like him, but I can see people disliking him for it in the sense that it shows him doing things other than wrestling more than it shows him wrestling. I saw some feedback from people yesterday that mentioned those feelings to me and I understand it. I don’t mind it personally, but I can understand why others would.

Once the video ended, they plugged The Rock vs. John Cena at WrestleMania 28 in Miami on April 1st.

The Divas title match is up next: Beth Phoenix vs. Eve.

(Commercial)

We return from break with Eve’s intro. That theme song is awful. She sells the Kane attacks by looking behind her as she enters the ring. The crowd barely reacts to her. Beth comes out on her own. Why don’t they have Natalya with her anymore? Odd.

Divas Title: Beth Phoenix vs. Eve
Beth hit the Glam Slam for the win. Match went about 20 seconds.
Winner: Beth Phoenix

After the match, Kane’s music stared and he appeared on the screen. He said all of the attacks on Ryder could have been prevented if Cena embraced the hate. He said until Cena embraces the hate he can’t beat Kane or The Rock. He said he’d continue the attacks to continue to prove his point. The he claimed he would use Eve as a conduit to pass that message along. He’s like a James Bond villain that reveals his evil plans before they happen.

Eve looked for Kane on the entrance ramp. He showed up behind her. Cue John Cena’s music. They brawl all around ringside with the crowd going crazy. I haven’t loved this storyline, but the reaction to this brawl is pretty loud, so that’s a good sign. Cena whipped Kane into the ring steps. He followed that up by ramming his head into the steps. Cena picked up the steps and hit Kane in the head with them. Cena smiled. The crowd cheered loudly. He hit Kane with the steps one more time. Cena told him that every time he gets up he’s going to knock him down. One more shot with the steps sends Kane down one more time. Cena clears the announce table. The crowd is loving it. Cena got a microphone and hit Kane in the head in it: “We gonna have a party up in here.” He went for the Attitude Adjustment on the table, but Kane elbowed him in the head and he took off.

Analysis: That was a very good brawl with Cena showing a lot of fire in the attack on Kane. Very good energy by Cena and the crowd was loving it. Even the Cena haters should give him praise for that because he did what he should do more often. Angry Cena is entertaining. He’d be an awesome heel if they ever pulled the trigger on it. I don’t think they will. I think it’s more about making him look tougher in the build up to Mania. Kane is a good person to get that out of him. There are rumors of a Kane/Cena Last Man Standing Match at Elimination Chamber. I’d assume Cena goes over. That would be fine with me.

It’s now 10:54pmET as they went to the last break of the show. It’s the Laurinaitis/Triple H segment to end what has been a very good show.

(Commercial)

For the main event angle, which is starting at 10:58pmET, Justin Roberts introduced the interim Raw GM John Laurinaitis, to boos of course. Nice “#Clown Shoes” sign in the crowd. Laurinaitis wants to say a few things before Hunter comes out. He says he knows we appreciate his work and that ratings have been up since last year. He said he gave himself a 5 out of 5 in various self assessment categories. It was getting boring, so cue up the theme music of Triple H. The suit wearing son-in-law walked out in his suit.

Hunter said he’s been watching him for a while because JL backstabbed him and grabbed it. He called him spineless, gutless and he’s not very swift. He said he was no different than anybody else and that he didn’t just use the power, but that he used the role to make himself a star. JL said he respected Hunter. Hunter said he’s involved himself too often because his personal agenda was to make himself a star. JL said no and that he did it to make Raw better. Hunter said Vince let personal decisions could his judgment, Hunter let personal decisions cloud his judgment and so has Laurinaitis. JL said that he would do anything to save his job. Hunter asked him to repeat it: anything. He said he could make him do anything like apologize to the fans and if the fans welcomed it he could reconsider. Laurinaitis did his apology while the crowd was booing him relentlessly through it all. Hunter said the crowd was so loud that he could barely him, but his lips were moving so he knew he was lying.

Hunter had another idea by saying maybe he wants to have a Gauntlet Match against every WWE Superstar that has a problem with Laurinaitis. He kept thinking about other ideas. He said his father in law had a genius idea when he needed to see where his loyalties lie. He mentioned that Vince would have that person be a member of a certain club. It’s the infamous Kiss My Ass club although Hunter didn’t say it. The crowd chanted “Kiss His Ass” because they knew what it was. Laurinatis took out chap stick from his pocket, got down on both knees and puckered up. “You’re really gonna do it aren’t you, you freak.” Hunter mocked him for it. Hunter said he didn’t know where his lips have been. “You should get some personal help for that, man.” Haha that was good. Hunter said he would do what needs to be done.

Hunter tells us that the Board of Directors has let Hunter know that whenever he wants to come back to run Raw he’s able to do it. Hunter “I wish you well in all…” and just as he’s finishing…GONG! Undertaker. Wow. Crowd went nuts.

The Undertaker made his full entrance to a thunderous ovation. They had an epic staredown in the ring. Undertaker looked at the WrestleMania 28 sign. He did his throat slash gesture. Then he looked at the sign again. Hunter put his hand on Undertaker’s shoulder. He didn’t look at the sign. Does that mean he doesn’t want the rematch from last year? Hunter left. The crowd cheered as Undertaker looked at the sign. The music of The Undertaker played as the show came to an end at 11:17pmET. That’s a long overrun.

That was a really strong ending. The cliffhanger is does Hunter want the match with Undertaker or not? Obviously it’s a go, but I’m fine with not announcing it yet.

Three Stars of the Show
1. (tie) CM Punk – Best match plus a really good promo.
1. (tie) Daniel Bryan – Same as above.
3. The Undertaker – Welcome back.

9 out of 10
Last week: 7
2012 Average: 6.4
2012 High: 9 (January 30)
2012 Low: 4 (January 9)
Last 5 Weeks: 7, 7, 4, 5, 5

An amazing episode of Raw. Well done WWE! The last two weeks I gave Raw a 7. This week it was even better, earning a score of 9 from me. The strength of this show was the in-ring work. Then they ended it with the return of The Undertaker, who has returned after being away since WrestleMania 27. It was a hot ending to a very good show.

The Punk/Bryan match was incredible. One of the better TV matches you’re going to get on TV. Orton/Ziggler was nice too. The promos at the start of the show and at the end were really strong as well. This was a fantastic wrestling television show.

The seeds have been planted for Punk/Jericho and Undertaker/Triple H for WrestleMania as well. Both of those are winners to me. I’m excited.

It’s also worth noting that Laurinaitis was not officially relieved of his GM duties, so as far as we know he’s still in the role. Hunter said he could take back the spot of running Raw anytime he wants, so we’ll have as an ongoing storyline I’m sure. It’s unlikely that they would write off the Laurinaitis character.

Also a salute to the Kansas City crowd. They were loud the whole night. They helped make the show that much more enjoyable.

How would you rate 01/30 Raw on the 1-10 scale?

Moving on, a big thank you to reader Kyle, whose Twitter name is @KyleDeTalente, for the nice John Report sign during the Royal Rumble PPV. It appeared during the Kane/Cena match when they brawled backstage. You can view that here by going to the 5:45 mark and looking for it in the upper left corner. Here’s a screencap of it:

If anybody brings a TJR sign or “@johnreport” or anything like that then I’ll put it into a column if we can see it.

Lastly, here’s a video of my friend Paul Benson (@Paul_Bens0n on Twitter) and his buddies dressed up as wrestling characters of the past while cutting Royal Rumble promos. He’s the one in the Big Bossman outfit. I thought the IRS guy did a fantastic job too. Enjoy!

I’ll be back on Wednesday with WrestleMania 1, Friday with WrestleMania 2 and Saturday with Canton’s Corner plus much more next week. I’ll be writing a lot between now and WrestleMania 28. Have a great week.

John Canton – [email protected]
thejohnreport.net
Twitter @johnreport
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