We look back at last week as Hulk Hogan laid down the law and reversed the decision in the main event on Bobby Roode, then set up the Lethal Lockdown to decide which Bischoff gets to stay in TNA. After that, we’re off to the Impact Zone as Easy E opens the show, makes fun of some fat broad in the audience, then gets down to business and says that Hogan and Garett think they have him cornered, but what they don’t understand is that the name Eric Bischoff will live on long after we’re all dead and gone. He’s going to be a legacy in the business, and refers to last week when Hogan questioned his ability to lead. He put together a badass team for Lockdown, and introduces them now: Bully Ray, Gunner, Frankie Kazarian, and Christopher Daniels. Bully Ray says he is proud to stand next to Bischoff and go to war for him, but as great of a man as Bischoff is, he made one mistake: his bastard son Garett Bischoff. Eric says he knows Bubba is going to take care of that at Lockdown and reminds us of the stakes this weekend. We’ve got a best of three series tonight to determind who will have the advantage at Lethal Lockdown, and that Gunner will lead the charge and take on anyone Garett throws at him.
Garett Bischoff comes out and says Eric and his team are obviously ready to go, but he’s got his team all lined up and ready to come out and get their hands on Eric’s team. In fact, one of them is ready to go right here and right now, so let’s kick this off right off the bat. Ken Anderson’s music hits, and he comes out to kick off tonight’s show!
Gunner vs Ken Anderson
Gunner jumps Anderson before he gets a chance to take his shirt off, and Anderson gets some offense in, but Gunner goes to the eyes and Anderson is back in trouble. Anderson tries to roll outside to get some breathing room, but Gunner continues the assault and tries to slam Anderson on the floor, but Anderson slips out the back and rams Gunner into the ringpost. Anderson unloads with right hands and rams Gunner into the barricade, then rolls him back inside and takes him out with a back elbow. Gunner escapes a Finlay Roll and rolls Anderson up with a handful of tights, but Anderson is out at 2 and takes Gunner out with a clothesline and a chain of elbowdrops. Anderson looks REALLY REALLY MAD as he stomps right on Gunner’s bladder, no doubt ruining his plans for the evening, but Gunner goes back to the eyes again and takes Anderson out with a clothesline, then blatantly chokes him right in front of the referee. Gunner smashes Anderson face first into the top turnbuckle and goes all Jesse Ventura by raking his boot laces across the eyes. Gunner with another rollup with the tights, but Anderson again kicks out at 2, officially making Gunner the worst illegal tights user of all time. Anderson sends Gunner shoulder first into the post and then stomps a mudhole in him in the corner before choking him out with his boot until the referee calls for the disqualification.
Winner: Gunner by DQ
Anderson isn’t done, and continues stomping Gunner’s chest in before walking off.
Eric Young is backstage admiring himself in the mirror when Joseph Park walks in to tell EY how snazzy he looks and asks if he’s thought about a prenup. He asks EY if he’s heard anything about his brother Chris because he’s been here for the better part of a decade, and to think about where he last saw him. EY says last time he saw him, he was mixed up with that Immortal group, so Joseph hands him his card and thanks him again.
We go out to the ring with the Motor City Machine Guns, and Chris Sabin says that injury after injury has plagued the MCMGs, but no more, then hands the microphone to Alex Shelley, who says that the MCMGs have been teaming for over six years, while Samoa Joe and Magnus have been teaming for six months. Shelley says Morgan and Crimson rub baby oil on each other, while the MCMGs beat Beer Money, they retired Team 3D, and this Sunday, they’re not wrestling Curry Man and Shark Boy, they’re wrestling one of the greatest teams ever, and they’re going to be the new TNA World Tag Team Champions. Samoa Joe and Brutus Magnus come out to the ring to put the MCMGs over as one of the most impressive teams of all time, and Magnus says Sabin has his respect for coming back from injury, but it’s not about who the best team ever is, it’s about who is the best team right now. At Lockdown, the two best teams on the planet go at it to see who is the best of the best and who deserves to be the champions. Magnus says they look ready, and he and Joe are always ready, so if they don’t want to wait, they can go right now. Wait a minute, Mexican America’s music hits and they come out to crash the party. Anarquia says they were champions for six months and if they want to be left out of the picture, they have one thing to say. Well, they don’t really say anything, they attack both teams and get their asses kicked. Having gotten their workout for the evening, the MCMGs and Joe & Magnus stare one another down, and we’re at commercial.
Christopher Daniels vs X Division Champion Austin Aries
They tie up and Daniels goes to the arm, Aries goes to the ropes, cartwheels past Daniels, and boxes the ears. Daniels takes Aries to the corner by the hair and shoulderblocks his abdomen, Aries shoots Daniels to the ropes and now Daniels cartwheels past Aries and jabs him in the face. Aries gets a side headlock, Daniels headscissors his way out, but clearly has never seen an Austin Aries match before because he eats the kickout dropkick square in the grill. Crowd is solidly behind Aries as he goes to the top rope, but Daniels comes along and shakes the ropes, crotching Aries, and then a short jab sends Aries tumbling to the ring apron. Daniels fires Aries hard into the corner and snaps Aries over with a vertical suplex for 2. Daniels with a Cobra Clutch and snaps Aries backward over his knee, Aries knees Daniels in the head until he breaks the hold, but Daniels tosses Aries out to the floor. Daniels goes for an Arabian moonsault to the floor, Aries dodges and Daniels sees him move and lands on his feet, but Aries quickly pops into the ring and hits the heat seeking missile to the floor. They go back inside where Aries wipes Daniels out with a roaring elbow and teases the pendulum elbow, but instead goes for a handspring elbowdrop that gets 2. Aries gets a sunset flip out of the corner, Daniels gets out and tries rolling Aries up with the tights, but the referee catches him and Aries reverses to a rollup of his own, but also has the tights and the referee won’t count that either. Daniels with a uranage and goes for the BME, but Aries moves and hits a missile dropkick, followed by the IED in the corner and then the brainbuster for the win.
Winner: Austin Aries
Awesome match! This may have been the best match on Impact in months, and now the best of three series is tied up at one apiece.
We’re back and the steel cage is being built for the wedding, but first, Jeff Hardy comes out to the ring to tell us that the thing with Angle started when Angle cost him the World Title, and it’s going to end in the steel cage. They’ll make history this Sunday, they’re going to hurt each other, and it’s inevitable. Hardy puts the microphone down and heads to the back. Short and to the point.
We look back at last week when James Storm (joined by his theme music guys) says he’s sick of Bobby Roode’s bulls**t, and then the music guys say that after Storm kicks his ass at Lockdown, he hopes they leave the cage open so they can get some too.
EY is backstage getting himself psyched up for his wedding when Sarita and Rosita walk in dressed like skanks to try and scare EY by telling him that they don’t think he and ODB are a good fit, and once he has that ring on, he’s stuck with her. They flash their boobs at him (I swear I’m not making that up) and asks Eric if he thinks he’s going to be missing anything, but EY freaks out and runs off.
It’s wedding time, and there’s a preacher behind a camouflage podium looking solemn as Eric Young comes out to the cage dressed in what appears to be one of Vince McMahon’s old, powder blue jackets. The Knockouts Tag Team Title belts are proudly on display as the bride music hits…then turns off. EY looks confused, but then ODB’s regular music hits and she comes out in a dress that looks like it was torn off a shower somewhere. Strangely, it’s the most feminine she’s probably ever looked, and she chains the cage door shut behind her so Eric has nowhere to run. The preacher says how symbolic the cage is for marriage because of the strength it takes to live in marriage together. We see a music video looking back at the crazy love Young and ODB have shared and how we got to where we are today, and then we hear they’re vows which they’ve prepared for each other. Eric says he promises to stay with ODB, even when she farts, and let her rub his feet anytime she wants…because he knows she’s into that. He vows to be his tag partner in wrestling and in life, now and for the rest of their lives together. ODB promises not to take his last name, but will take his ring music, and to slap his ass whenever necessary…because she knows he’s into that. She promises to give him a buffet of BAM anytime he wants (that gets an ODB chant from the crowd), then the preacher asks if anyone has a reason they should not be married, and of course Sarita and Rosita come out to object. They tried to show Eric what a real woman looks like backstage, but he ran. They’ll give Eric one last chance to choose whether he wants to stay with that beast, or be with the greatest Knockouts Tag Team Champions of all time. Rosita strips her robe off and she’s got her stripper outfit on underneath as Sarita says that could be all his. Now Sarita takes her robe off and she’s wearing a matching stripper outfit and shakes her ass as ODB starts crying. ODB says she gets it, she doesn’t have what those girls have, but those girls don’t have what she has. ODB tears off the dress to reveal her own underwear with her big BAMs and asks Eric what it’s going to be. Crowd chants for ODB, and EY walks over and holds her hands and says that she’s perfect for him and he’s been dreaming about this since she was a boy. He wanted to make this wedding perfect, and now they’ve found a way to make it perfect. Eric strips down to his own underwear, then ODB tells the preacher (who has somehow managed to keep a straight face through all this) to strip down as well so everyone matches. The preacher shrugs and decides to go with the flow, then asks Eric if he takes ODB to be his lawfully wedded wife. The crowd does the Daniel Bryan chant and EY says absolutely. Same question for ODB, same Daniel Bryan chant, and ODB says BAM, then the preacher pronounces them man and wife and ODB climbs on top of Eric as we get our happy ending.
We go backstage to Team Bischoff as Ric Flair gives Bully Ray a pep talk in preparation of his tiebreaker match with the third member of Garett’s team.
Bobby Roode is backstage with his security team and says that James Storm wants to see him face to face, and that’s fine because this is personal.
Bully Ray vs AJ Styles
Bubba has all of Team Ric at ringside, while AJ has Team Garett come out to the ring with him. Bubba takes AJ to the corner and tries a cheapshot, but AJ moves out of the way. Bubba takes AJ to the corner again, and AJ dodges another shot and this time returns fire. AJ gets a side headlock on Bubba, but gets eelvated and dropped hard to the mat with a back suplex. Bubba unloads with right hands and elbows, but comes off the ropes right into the swanky dropkick from AJ, who charges Bubba and gets backdropped out to the ring apron. Bubba boots AJ to the floor and Team Eric tries to go after him, but Team Garett shows up to stop them and leave this man on man. Bubba slingshots AJ into the ring and locks in a tight bearhug, AJ breaks free but takes a high BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK BODYDROP. Bubba misses a big splash and AJ starts firing back, comes off the ropes with a leaping clothesline, another one in the corner, but Bubba blocks a tornado DDT and gets a Samoan drop for 2. Bubba goes to the second rope, but AJ quickly gets to his feet and nails Bubba, then hits a Frankensteiner out of the corner and covers for 2. Frankie Kazarian grabs AJ’s ankle from the floor, and both teams wind up brawling on the floor as AJ hits a Pelle kick on Bubba and covers for 2. AJ goes out to the floor to join the fray as Eric Bischoff tosses Bubba his chain wallet, then Bubba nails AJ in the face with the chain as he comes off the top rope and covers him for the win.
Winner: Bully Ray
Team Eric celebrates, but Hulk Hogan’s music hits and he congratulates Eric on his win, then says he’s changing Lethal Lockdown to a five on five, and gives Eric three minutes to decide who his fifth man is. Hey, what a coincidence, we just HAPPEN to be going into a commercial! How about that?
We’re back and Hogan says Bischoff’s time is up, and Eric begs Ric Flair to join the team because he knows Hogan is going to make himself be the fifth man, then does an about face because he wants to stand over Garett’s broken body at the end, so he names himself the fifth man. Hogan says Eric is so predictable, but Hogan says that he’s taking his GM position seriously and won’t be in the match. However, he informed Garett of the change to five man teams a few days ago, and he and Garett introduce their new fifth man: Rob Van Dam, making his return to TNA after months off TV.
We go to a video package of James Storm, voiced over by Bobby Roode talking about how Storm winning the title before him was a joke because he carried Storm to all those tag titles and made him who he is. He’s accomplished a lot since Roode kicked him to the curb six months ago, and there’s nothing Roode won’t do to keep the title, and he won’t hold back because he’s going to prove that he’s the World Champion for a reason. We then go to James Storm, who says it took ten years to build a company, four years to build a friendship, and one bottle to ruin it all. But in three days, the bulls**t stops. Seriously, this may be the best build to any match in TNA history.
Gail Kim & Madison Rayne vs Velvet Sky & Mickie James
Anyone else notice that Gail Kim’s old music sounds a hell of a lot like the old Sid Justice entrance music from 1991? Velvet didn’t let the pigeons loose as she got into the ring, and Taz gets all bent out of shape over Velvet destroying the gimmick. Mickie and Madison start us off, Madison yanks Mickie to the mat by the hair, but Mickie catches her with a dropkick. Madison gets pissed and boots Mickie in the skull, then tags out to Gail Kim, who comes in and is promptly flapjacked in the middle of the ring. Velvet tags in and Gailimmediately bails to her corner and tags out to Madison. Velvet kicks the crap out of Madison and snapmares her so Mickie can come in and wipe her out with a basement dropkick. Gail hits Mickie from behind, then tags in and unloads on Mickie with kicks and a hard clothesline. Mickie and Gail double team Mickie, but Mickie dodges a charge and Gail crashes into the second turnbuckle, awkwardly crashing ribs first, and Mickie manages to make the tag. Velvet Sky comes in and unloads on Gail, then snaps off a flying headscissors and a running bulldog for 2. Velvet hits a snap DDT and then goes back after Gail, Velvet blocks Eat Da Feet and hits the sitout Pedigree, then pins the Knockouts Champion to win the match.
Winners: Velvet Sky & Mickie James
It’s time for the final face to face confrontation between James Storm and Bobby Roode before Lockdown this Sunday. Storm says that for the last few weeks, they’ve done a lot of talking. He asks if he remembers the time they were on a fifteen hour plane ride to Japan and laughed because they never thought they’d be the World Champion. They’re four time TNA World Tag Team Champions, the longest reigning tag champions in the history of TNA, travelled all over the world, entertained millions of people, kicked a lot of butt, and drank a lot of beer. Crowd starts a “beer” chant, and Roode says he’s not going to pretend that Beer Money never existed. Beer Money was one of the greatest teams in the history of the business, and being part of it was one of the proudest moments in his career in life, but there’s another proud moment that they probably both remember, which was last year when they put their tag team aspirations aside and entered the Bound For Glory Series for a shot at the World Title. They both wound up in the final four and made it to the semifinals, but only Roode made it to the finals, and he went on to win the whole thing. That sent him to Bound For Glory where he challenged for the World Title while Storm sat in the back twiddling his thumbs and drinking his beer. Storm says he remembers doing something: he was sitting their drinking beer and watching the monitor when Roode got beat. Storm asks if he remembers the next week when he beat the guy who beat Roode, in record time no less. Roode says he vaguely remembers it because Storm’s reign was so short that two weeks later, Roode not only beat him for the title, but became the It Factor of professional wrestling and the leader of the selfish generation. Storm says he’s glad he brought that up because it was the night Roode hit him in the head with a beer bottle and destroyed the legacy of Beer Money and their friendship. Roode tells Storm to cut the bulls**t because they were never friends. They hated each other when they met, and the only reason they were so successful was because of their individual passions for the business. All the stuff about hanging out drinking beer is crap because they hated each other, and from day one, Storm has been jealous of him. Storm asks what he has to be jealous of, because where he comes from, family and friends mean something and you don’t sell them out for money like Roode did. Storm does this for the love of the sport, and he does it for all the fans, and his superkick leg is getting tired from the trip down memory lane, so no more history class because in three days, they step into the cage to kick the crap out of each other in Storm’s hometown of Nashville, in front of his friends and family. Roode says he doesn’t give a crap about Nashville, his hillbilly wife, or his redneck kids. Storm takes his jacket off and so does Roode, and Storm says Roode won’t need luck, he’ll need a damn miracle to walk out of that cage, and Roode says he’s heard Storm’s line a million times and he’s sick of it. He tells Storm to look at him, dammit, and in three days, Storm will be lucky to walk out of that cage, and says that Storm has no luck with his two dead brothers and his dead father. Storm and Roode go nose to nose, and we go off the air.