Tonight’s episode opens with a recap of last week’s game-changing events where Hulk Hogan and the Immortals took over the company and kicked Dixie Carter out of the building, Jeff Jarrett left Kurt Angle laying, Fortune joined the Immortals, and Jeff Hardy took his place as the new Antichrist of professional wrestling.
We head to the Impact Zone where Ken Anderson, wearing a sling as a result of a shoulder injury suffered at the hands of the new champion last week, comes out to the ring. Interesting to note that he is wearing his gear, which is strange for a guy who presumably isn’t in condition to wrestle. Anderson gets a microphone and begs Jeff Hardy to take his testicles out of Hogan and Bischoff’s purse, put his mascara on, and come to the ring right now. Rob Van Dam comes out and asks Anderson if he feels ripped off because he didn’t get the chance to win the title he never lost. Suddenly, Jeff Hardy appears on screen to say that forgiveness is something we all have in us, and we all are messed up and do each other wrong. It’s human nature, and he did both of them wrong: he ordered Abyss to take care of RVD and beat Anderson at his own game. So he asks RVD and Anderson to find it in their heart to forgive them, and then lets out an evil chuckle. Here comes Eric Bischoff out from the back and he’s glad to see RVD and Anderson out there, because he wants to invite them to a special episode of Reaction tonight where he and Hulk reveal how they orchestrated the takeover of TNA. But he wants Anderson to know that he feels somewhat responsible for what happened, and wants Anderson to forgive him for not giving him the opportunity he should have when he saw potential in him. He doesn’t think he’s challenged Anderson enough, but tonight he’s going to make it up to him by putting him in the ring with Frankie Kazarian in an X-Division Match (I assume he means Ultimate X), and then says he can only imagine what it must be like to be RVD and have your best friend hand you like a ham sandwich to Abyss. He wants RVD to know, because he cares about him, that everybody wants to be part of Immortal and tonight he’s going to team with someone he probably thinks is a very good friend in Sabu tonight, and not to worry about it at all.
Cue the opening, which focuses entirely on Hogan and company and shows their enemies being destroyed. Nice touch. Tonight: Sarita takes on Mickie James and Beer Money take on RVD & Sabu! Plus, Ken Anderson takes on Frankie Kazarian in Ultimate X.
We catch a clip that apparently aired on TMZ of the TMZ crew harassing the Shore, and we’re at commercial.
Backstage, D-Lo is trying to calm RVD down as he bursts into the EV2.0 locker room and starts yelling at them to figure out which of them is plotting to turn on him. Tommy Dreamer tries to calm him down and RVD stares at them all suspiciously and storms out.
Last week, JWOWW came to TNA Impact and beat the tar out of Cookie, and then afterward she said it’s pretty intense and the adrenaline rush made her think she could get in there, and she’s been bitten by the TNA bug. From there we go back to TMZ bugging the Shore in the parking lot and Cookie saying that JWOWW better not show her face in TNA again.
Speaking of the Shore, let’s head to the ring for our first match…
Robbie E vs Amazing Red
Red looks amused by Robbie, and makes the mistake of turning his back before the match and Robbie attacks him from behind viciously stomping him and laying him out with a short clothesline. Red tries mounting a comeback but Robbie rams Red into the corner and hits a series of shoulderblocks. Robbie whips Red to the ropes, but Red comes out with a flying headscissors and a climbing enziguiri and spinkick for 2. Red comes off the top but Robbie just shoves him to his back, measures him, and hits the Diamond Cutter for the win.
Winner: Robbie E
Cookie brings Robbie a mic and tells Jay Lethal to look at what he just did to his buddy Red, and he’s going to do it to them too and bling out the X Division Title. They get a BIG boring chant.
Earlier this week, the Pope was at a strip club in Harlem telling the dancers to shake their asses in his face, but takes a break to tell the camera that he had to take on a pack of hyenas by himself. It’s gang warfare: something Pope knows very well, and he intends to fight even if he has to fight by himself. He’s going to start at the top and calls AJ out, and he doesn’t even want to wrestle him, he just wants to fight.
We go to footage from Mick Foley’s recent book signing tour as he takes a question from Brian Kendrick as he asks a bunch of stuff that goes over everyone’s heads, and then has Mick make the autograph out to Spanky.
We head backstage to Fortune, as they’re having a good laugh at the expense of Rob Van Dam, the Pope, and AJ accepts Pope’s challenge AND he’s going to put his TV Title on the line! He forgets where he left the belt and Flair grabs it and…you guessed it, there’s another bottle of Smirnoff Ice behind it, and Flair chugs it. Eric Bischoff comes in and breaks up the party and says that in fairness to Pope, if Fortune interferes in any way, they’re going to strip AJ of the TV Title and give it to Pope. Flair says not to worry about it because they’re Fortune, and then he tosses his bottle and walks away.
We go to the Beautiful People’s dressing room as Miss Tessmacher comes in and says she’s sorry and she was just trying to do her job, and she wants them to help her learn how to wrestle. Velvet Sky gets in her face and says to kiss her ass, then decides to go to the gym after all. Lacey leaves with her, and Angelina looks up and sees Katie Lea Burchill standing behind her staring off into space calling herself Winter and saying she’s Angelina’s biggest fan. Angelina turns around when Velvet walks back in to get her bag, and when she turns back Winter is gone. Angelina asks Velvet if she saw Winter, and Velvet tells her she needs sleepies. This division just gets better by the week.
Let’s head back to the ring for our next match…
TV Title Match: AJ Styles vs The Pope
Pope didn’t get his money drop on the way to the ring, and presumably that’s Hogan and Bischoff cutting costs in these tight fiscal times. Pope calmly tapes up his fists as AJ makes his entrance and goes after him in the entranceway. Pope with a back elbow and tries to hit AJ with the title belt, but AJ ducks and takes a few shots at Pope, but then Pope cracks him again, slams him into the steps, and then catapults him into the ringpost. Pope slams AJ’s face into the ring apron and then chokes him out with his wrist tape before firing him back into the ring. AJ uses the high ground to stomp Pope coming into the ring and then kicks him low, but this is a no DQ streetfight apparently, so it’s legal. AJ works Pope over in the corner and snapmares Pope into the middle of the ring where he fishhooks Pope’s mouth. Pope fights out of the hold and gets a clothesline and a back elbow, but AJ goes to the eyes and nails Pope. Pope responds with a quick series of punches and AJ goes down and Pope covers for 2. Pope goes to pick AJ up but AJ recovers and shoves Pope out through the ropes and to the floor. AJ waits for Pope to get to his feet and then slingshots over the top rope, but Pope moves out of the way and takes AJ out with a clothesline. Pope sends AJ back in the ring and AJ starts to beg off into the corner, but as Pope slowly advances on AJ, Abyss comes out of the crowd to attack Pope and beats him down. See, because Abyss isn’t a member of Fortune. Pope slowly tries to pull himself to his feet, and Abyss just lays him out with the Black Hole Slam. AJ slaps him on the ass and tells him to leave the ring and then covers Pope and Earl Hebner slowly and reluctantly counts 3.
Winner: AJ Styles
Fortune comes out to the top of the ramp and applaud, and Brischoff comes out and celebrates with them.
Backstage, Sarita is stretching in preparation of her match with Mickie James tonight and says it’s too bad they didn’t give Mickie an easier Knockout to make her debut against.
Backstage, Pope is making his way backstage and bumps into Samoa Joe and asks if he likes what he saw out there. Joe says he doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, and Pope says he can join the team or fight alone.
We head to Bischoff’s office where he’s just getting off the phone with Hulk Hogan, and he tells Flair that Hogan said he’s not just the Dirtiest Player In The Game, but also the Smartest Player In The Game.
Time to switch tracks and take a look at Team 3D, who decided to retire because there’s nothing left to accomplish. Bubba tells a story about Alexander The Great looking out his front door one day and crying because he realized he’s conquered everything there is to conquer. After they wrestle the Motor City Machine Guns, they’re done, that’s going to be their last match because they have other things they want to do outside the business. But still, they are going to see one last, great match with the Machine Guns.
Speaking of the MCMGs, we go to them playing basketball outside with Velvet Sky and a camera crew asks them what they think about Team 3D when Generation Me crashes the party. GenMe accuses them of hiding behind a girl, so the Guns beat them up.
We look back at a video package from last week on Reaction as Jeff Jarrett talks about how Kurt Angle has messed with his life outside the ring, even after Jarrett was the one who brought him to TNA. From there we go to a great promo with a bloody Samoa Joe talking about no matter what Jarrett does to him, he’s still kicking, punching, and kneeing and killing people who get in his way. We wrap the segment up with Jeff Jarrett backstage heading to the ring, saying that he’s regretted what happened last week for seven days now, and it got way out of hand and he’s got no other option than to go out there and apologize to Kurt. We head to commercial.
We’re back and Jeff Jarrett is on his way to the ring, and as he walks we take a look back at last week when Jarrett went to town on Kurt Angle to the point where Taz had to leave the broadcast booth and step in. Crowd with a big “you sold out” chant, but Jarrett waves them off and says he’s come out to publicly apologize for what he did to Kurt last week. He wants to apologize for humiliating him in front of the whole world (pause for a Jarrett sucks chant), and says that if Angle was standing here right in front of him, he’d tell him how much he deeply regrets…not kicking the crap out of him more than he did, because the King Of The Mountain is back on top again and Kurt is gone from TNA forever. Just like many more before in TNA and many more to come, he made Angle and he broke him. The ironic thing is that he’s the one who gave Kurt a job when nobody else wanted him, and he stripped Angle of everything: his dignity, his pride, his honor…oh yeah, and his precious career. And let’s not forget, Kurt…oh wait, Samoa Joe’s music hits. Joe comes out and he does not look happy. He powerwalks down to the ring and Overzealous Security grab Joe and handcuff him as Jarrett comes out for some free shots on Joe like he did to Kurt like last week, but Joe reverses it and chokes Jarrett with the cuffs. Security intervenes again and beat up Joe, and Jarrett takes a few more shots and throws Joe over the back of the stage, which presumably leads to a long drop. Mike Tenay stands up and starts yelling at Jarrett about what’s gotten into him. Tenay said that for eight years, he’s been telling everyone that they need to be a team to survive, and now he’s turned his back on all of them. Taz just looks solemnly at the ground as Jarrett seems to briefly regret what he did, but then he walks over to the railing and looks down at Joe, and it is indeed a long drop. Jarrett looks up, smiles, and says it looks like Joe does need some help.
We head to commercial, and when we come back, we take a look at what just happened with Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe before heading back to the ring for…
Beer Money vs Sabu & Rob Van Dam
RVD and James Storm starts and Storm comes off the ropes, RVD tries a hiptoss but Storm blocks and tries one of his own and RVD blocks and kicks him in the face, then catches him with a monkey flip out of the corner. Sabu and RVD hit Poetry In Motion and RVD spinkicks Storm and Sabu covers for 2. Storm goes to the eyes and tags in Robert Roode, but Sabu with a series of rights, a clothesline, and a clothesline and then whips Roode to the corner and catches him coming off the ropes with another clothesline. Roode reverses a whip and clotheslines Sabu, and Roode starts putting the boots to him. Roode rams Sabu into the corner and tags Storm in, and Storm lays in a few shots and then tags back out to Roode, who delivers an inverted atomic drop and a vertical suplex, followed by a kneedrop for 2. Roode is so old school, I love it. Storm tags back in again and he continues working Sabu over in the corner, but Sabu comes out of nowhere with a springboard tornado DDT and makes the hot tag to RVD. RVD comes in and gets a straight kick to Roode’s jaw, suplexes Sabu onto Roode, then hits a standing moonsault for 2. RVD slams Roode and they hit Rolling Thunder for 2. All four men are in the ring and Sabu goes out to the floor with Storm as Roode hits a spinebuster on Van Dam for 2. Roode and Storm go for the DWI but RVD escapes, and Storm tries to spit beer at RVD but RVD moves out of the way and Storm spews in Roode’s face, allowing RVD to roll Roode up for 2. Sabu comes in with a chair and tries to throw it at Roode, but Roode ducks out of the way and the chair cracks RVD in the face, and Storm dumps him while Roode covers RVD for the win.
Winners: Beer Money
I do believe that was RVD’s first pinfall loss in TNA. RVD isn’t happy and shoves Sabu and Sabu shoves him back, and they circle one another until the rest of EV2.0 comes out and gets between them.
We go to a fake rodeo where Mickie James is riding a plastc cow and tells Sarita that she may be a world class wrestler, but Mickie is a world class champion.
We head backstage where Eric Bischoff is telling Flair and Kazarian that they came highly recommended from Hogan himself and then walks off, and Flair tells Kazarian that he’s getting big matches just like Flair promised him months ago.
Back to the ring…
Sarita vs Mickie James
They tie up and Sarita begins working the arm, but Mickie rolls through and monkey flips Sarita across the ring. Sarita shoves Mickie and tries a clothesline, but Mickie responds with a spinkick and a dropkick for 2. Mickie gets a duck under and goes for an O’Connor Roll, but Sarita holds the ropes and yanks Mickie down by the hair. Sarita sprints up the ropes and goes for a twisting splash, but Mickie moves and dropkicks Sarita to the floor, then baseball slides out of the ring right into a flying headscissors on Sarita. Sarita begs off as Taz makes a comment about Mickie’s John Nord boots and then she drop toeholds Mickie into the ring steps and rolls her back in the ring and covers for 2. Mickie fires back with a couple of forearms but Sarita stomps her down and rams her face first into the turnbuckle and gets a bow and arrow over the back and turns it into an airplane spin, but Mickie turns that into a crucifix for 2. Mickie starts mounting a comeback on Sarita, laying her out with clothesline after clothesline and then a flying headscissors. Mickie goes up top and gets a top rope Thesz Press and then a spinning back kick to the jaw and covers for the win.
Winner: Mickie James
Tara sneaks into the ring and attacks Mickie from behind, hitting the Widow’s Peak and figuratively kicking dirt in Mickie’s face.
We head backstage to Ken Anderson, who points to his injured shoulder that he got from his buddy Jeff, and in order to get a shot at Jeff, he has to get through this next match tonight with the injured shoulder. Anderson says there are only three things that are true in this life: death, taxes, and the face that he is going to whup the **** out of Jeff Hardy. Draw your own conclusions as to what **** was. We’re at commercial.
We come back and Mickie is angrily stalking out the back door and to Hogan and Bischoff’s office, because if Tara wanted a fight, she’s messing with the wrong girl.
Ken Anderson is backstage, and he’s…WALKING!…right into a trap, as Fortune jumps him 6-on-1 and carries him out to the top of the entrance ramp where they continue to stomp Anderson into a messy pulp. They start to leave, then AJ comes back and kicks him in the ribs again for good measure. Oh, and guess what? That’s right, it’s main event time!
Ultimate X: Ken Anderson vs Frankie Kazarian
Kazarian walks out for his entrance and pretends to be surprised to find Anderson in this contition. He tells the referee to ring the bell and slowly, casually takes his time climbing up to the cables and makes his way out to the center and goes for the X, but Anderson recovers in time to make it into the ring and yank him down. Anderson fights him with one arm, clotheslining Kazarian and dropping a series of elbows with the good arm. He heads out to the floor and looks for something under the ring, but Kazarian nails him with a baseball slide as we head to commercial.
We’re back and Anderson again grabs Kazarian’s ankle as he tries to climb the corner, but Kazarian kicks him off. Anderson tumbles to the apron, but makes it back in as Kazarian climbs out to the center and Anderson swings him back and forth until Kazarian loses his grip and takes a HUGE back bump. Anderson climbs up the corner and tries to make his way out to the center, but can’t hold on because of the injured arm, and Kazarian capitalizes by kicking Anderson in the arm and giving him a hammerlock slam. Kazarian with a slingshot legdrop over the top and tries to pick Anderson up, but Anderson with a chinbreaker and more right hands before Kazarian goes to the eyes. Kazarian slingshots Anderson’s throat off the top rope, then springboards off the top rope and onto the cable. He kicks off an Anderson attempt to pull him down, but Anderson gets him on the second try and hits the Mic Check. Anderson rolls out to the floor and pulls a ladder out from underneath the ring. Hey, there’s some ingenuity. I gotta side with Taz though, it is a shortcut in a strictly technical sense. Anderson sets up the ladder and climbs up, but Fortune comes pouring out of the back and Morgan hits a big sitout powerbomb on Anderson as Douglas Williams kicks the ladder out to the floor. Morgan picks Kazarian up on his shoulders and walks out to the middle of the ring where Kazarian removes the X and gets the win.
Winner: Frankie Kazarian
Anderson crawls back under the ring as Fortune celebrates in the rnig and comes out with a pipe in his hand. He rolls back in and nails Morgan and Williams with it as the rest of Fortune bails out to the floor, but as Anderson is facing Fortune and holding them off with the chair, Jeff Hardy runs out of the back and cracks Anderson in the back with a chair, coldly staring at Anderson with an emotionless look on his face as blood starts to pour out of the back of Anderson’s head. Hardy puts Anderson’s arm in the ladder and then slams the chair on the ladder, sandwiching the arm. The crowd boos Hardy, and he responds by going out to the floor and ripping up their signs.
We go to the back again with Flair and Bischoff and they head out to the garage and get into a stretch limo to head off to the club. The limo starts to leave, but suddenly comes to a jarring stop as Kurt Angle, wearing a shoulder sling of his own and with a pipe in his hand, is blocking the limo. He chases off the driver and smashes in the rear window before security runs him off. Flair and Bischoff get out of the limo and Flair tells Bischoff to have Angle arrested, and we’re out.
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