Bingo’s Breakdown: Hell in a Cell Predictions

Greetings Jabronis,



Just 2 weeks have passed, yet WWE are beaming another PPV directly into our collective consciousness via some sort of radiation tube that connects to our frontal lobes. No wait… that’s from a dream I had about the future of media consumption. For now, this will just be a regular PPV.

I always feel the audience at a Hell in a Cell PPV are hard done by as they have to witness the main event matches whilst having their view obstructed by an apparatus of mesh. Discounted tickets? Pffft, I very much doubt it. But at least we folk at home have the benefit of cameramen capturing the action for us from inside the cell. I tilt my cap to those brave, brave camera bearers.

Speaking of bearers, how awesome is it to see Paul Bearer back in the realms of WWE TV? The answer to this is “Very awesome indeed”.

There aren’t really many salivating bouts on the card (so far), and I’ve never been a massive fan of Hell in a Cell matches anyway as they’re all kind of similar. But if you think that’s gonna prevent me from giving you my predictions then, you sir, are certifiably insane. Here goes…

John Cena v Wade Barrett
(If Cena wins, Nexus is no more – if Barrett wins, Cena joins Nexus)

My logic in predicting who wins this match is a bit out of the norm, as it is based on a T-shirt. Yes readers – a T-shirt. WWE has just, this very week, launched a new Nexus T-shirt featuring the 5 remaining members of the group. Would WWE really launch a new T-shirt for a stable that is scheduled to disband in just a couple of day’s time? That’s the main question that I’ve been asking myself this week, over and over, as I lie awake at night… Quite tormenting, huh?

From a booking point of view, I see both outcomes as being plausible. The Nexus has already overstayed its welcome and certainly wouldn’t be missed by the majority of the audience were they to disband. As the weeks have gone by, it has been painfully obvious that certain Nexus members (namely Otunga and Tarver) are so terribly limited in the ring that they’re only allowed to perform a couple of super basic moves at a time before bailing out – so that pair really need to be flown back to FCW pronto. Then perhaps Barrett can embark upon a singles career whilst Gabriel and Slater would be a welcome addition to the tag division.

On the other hand, if Barrett were to win, it would be an enticing storyline for Cena haters and lovers alike. Cena has played the boring, superman face for years now – so it would likely be entertaining viewing to see him reluctantly be part of a heel stable, even if it’s just for a few weeks.

Perhaps a reluctant heel role could somehow lead to an actual heel role for Cena further down the line. Every wrestling fan over the age of 12 has been crying out for it for a couple of years now. Hurry, WWE! Ratings are in free-fall!

But as my first point emphasised, I’m sticking the brunt of my argument on the T-shirt thing. Vince needs to sell more Nexus T-shirts – so please, please buy them up, or they could be on our TV screens for a long while yet.

Pick: Wade Barrett

John Morrison v Daniel Bryan v The Miz
(US Title)

Blimey – this match sounds rather great on paper, doesn’t it just. A great addition to the card by WWE, I commend them as an entity.

I don’t see the title changing hands here. The Miz is, quite frankly, too much of a star for the US title now, and there would be no point putting the belt on Morrison whilst Mr Bryan has only just claimed the strap and is in the middle of establishing himself as a valuable player on the roster.

But whilst the outcome might be easy to telegraph, I still foresee this being the match of the night. Regardless of the predictable outcome, as long as the wrestling is top notch, then we’ll all go bed filled with content afterwards, right? (note: Not together. We’ll all be in our own separate beds.)

Pick: Daniel Bryan

Michelle McCool v Natalya
(Diva’s Title)

This match is possibly just a rumour as I type this, but as confirmed bouts are thin on the ground, I’ll cast my iron gaze over it anyway.

Are these two expected to fight inside the Hell in a Cell? That would certainly be quite humourous, and possibly equally as depressing… Alas, I don’t expect it to be.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure which one Natalya was and thus I had to Google it (she’s the Hart Dynasty chick). So, as talented as she might or might not be as a performer, I think that fact that her title opportunity has materialised somewhat abruptly would suggest to me that she’s not yet a contender to head the diva’s division. Surely she needs a personality first.

Pick: Michelle McCool

Randy Orton v Sheamus
(WWE Title)

RAW is suffering from some truly bad ratings of late, and putting the belt back on Sheamus certainly won’t be the solution. Orton (along with Cena and Undertaker perhaps) is the most over star in the WWE right now and so having him hold the belt is the right decision. Unlike Cena, Orton’s popularity transcends generations and thus any fan of any age has no problem cheering him. Thus, I don’t think Orton is to blame for one second for the recent ratings dip. Sure, a champion supposedly carries the brand, but it’s up to the product as a whole to pull in the viewers, and sadly, as a whole, RAW has frequently been lacking in quality this year and so a ratings decline was inevitable.

I genuinely like Sheamus, he’s improved loads over the last few months, but I don’t want to see the title back on him for a long while yet. He needs a mid card feud (John Morrison?) to see him over until HHH returns – then, after staring at the lights for Helmsley, maybe he would benefit from a transfer to Smackdown and new feuds with the likes of Undertaker, Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio and Chavo (the last name was a little joke – ha ha ha).

So I see Orton 100% retaining here… and then hopefully WWE can find a feud for him that’s fresh and piquant. Are we all on the same page here? Two words: The Miz.

Pick: Randy Orton

Kane v The Undertaker
(World Heavyweight Title)

As I mentioned in my opening gambit, I’m super stoked to see Paul Bearer back on our TV screens. He’s such an entertaining character, and certainly brings a welcome aroma of nostalgia to the feud. I wish Paul Bearer was my Dad, then he’d have to tell me to do regular things in that high, ghostly voice of his all day long and it would make me laugh. “Niiiiiik, waaaaaalk the dog, oh yesssssss!”. I’d be the happiest chap in the land.

But back to the match-up… With the power of the urn once again energising The Undertaker (that’s a brilliant sentence to write) he, of course, would be the favourite to pick up the victory here…

But I’m going against the flow and I’m siding with Kane. As I’ve been spouting for many weeks now to anyone that cares to listen to me – I truly believe that WWE will hold back from putting the strap back on Ol’ Taker until the Survivor Series. Why? Because that will be exactly 20 years since The Undertaker made his debut – and there’s something very poetic about that. Do you see?

Pick: Kane

That’s all the matches that have been confirmed so far. I’m sure more will be unveiled on Smackdown (mostly likely a tag title match I’m thinking) – but as that is going out live this week, we shall not know for sure until the weekend is upon us. If I have time, I’ll come back and update this article with the additions to the line-up. If I don’t find the time, then I’m afraid you’re just gonna have to learn to deal with the loss. I hope, in time, you will be able to find it in yourself to forgive me.

Over and out.

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