Bingo’s Breakdown: Summerslam Predictions

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Greetings jabronis,

I’m going to have to write a fairly brief predictions column on this fine day as I am setting off on a long-weekend break momentarily – to a land where the use of Wi-Fi and Internet is punishable by waterboarding.

So if this feels a bit fleeting… That’s because it is. Please accept my apologies and get off my back. I OWE YOU PEOPLE NOTHING!

There are a whopping 9 matches (if the rumoured Clay v Sandow goes ahead) lined up for us on the Summerslam card so far – and not a diva’s match in sight. What a treat!

A tiny warning to all you Little Jimmys out there – this article will contain Smackdown spoilers. So if that’s likely to upset you, I implore you to look away now. Here lie-eth my predictions…

Santino Marella v Antonio Cesaro

A US title match as a pre-PPV YouTube bout is just about the right billing for the once coveted strap.

I like Santino, I genuinely do, but he’s a comedy character… and when a comedy character holds a title, then that title too becomes a joke. Them’s the rules.

I think Cesaro will win here, and WWE will be keen to see if their new guy can bring any sort of meaning back to the US title. But that’s a mighty big ask of anyone – let alone an under-utilised greenhorn.

Pick: Antonio Cesaro

*****

Damien Sandow v Brodus Clay

I wanna divert slightly and say how pissed off I was that Christian was given the duty of putting over Sandow cleanly on Smackdown this week. Yeah, I know we’re all biased towards our favourite guys – but goddammit, Christian deserves better than this.

Just a few months ago, Christian was the World Champion and the number 2 heel in the company. Last week, he wasn’t even given an entrance on a THREE HOUR RAW on his way to a loss against Del Rio, and this week he’s jobbing clean to midcarders. That’s just not cricket.

I get that defeating a veteran like Christian is a traditional way to elevate a midcarder – but at least have that match take place on PPV. Sandow should be beating the likes of Brodus Clay on Smackdown on his way to facing Christian at Summerslam, not the other way round. It irks me massively.

I expect Sandow to pick up the victory here (and so he bloody well should now) and then should we already expect a re-tweak of the Brodus Clay character? The gimmick was kinda fun to begin with – but now it’s grating, and someone of his size should surely be playing a dominant heel rather than a dancing monkey. We shall see.

Pick: Damien Sandow

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R-Truth and Kofi Kingston v The Prime Time Players

As outlined above, I’m running short on time, so I’m not going to be able to weigh in with my full two cents regarding the dismissal of AW – but I will say that a Tweet by Chris Jericho summed up the situation perfectly for me: “It’s a drag. But it’s not the Attitude era anymore” … I pretty much share those exact sentiments. It was a harsh punishment for AW, but the moment he uttered the statement in question I knew he was gonna be in hot water. Future endeavours seemed inevitable.

The Prime Time Players are an okay team… but only okay. To me their character-appeal was heightened greatly by AW’s presence, so he’s gonna be missed sorely by the pair. Their in-ring ability is distinctly average, so I think it would be a mistake to gift with them with the tag titles at this stage – even if it would be a funny way for Vince to further piss off AW.

I’m siding with Kofi and Truth to retain. That way the tag division can continue to offer entertaining TV matches on a regular basis – and perhaps a feud with the newly packaged Reks and Hawkins is on the horizon.

Pick: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth

*****

The Miz v Rey Mysterio

In a time when WWE is struggling to create new main event stars, it puzzles me that two former world champions find themselves on the midcard of Summerslam battling for the IC title.

The Miz, and Rey Mysterio particularly, are both above the IC strap in my eyes – and it just forces fans to perceive them as midcarders, thus further shallowing the pool of top tier talent the company has. This match would do no damage to the name-value of neither guy involved if they WEREN’T fighting for the IC title. You catch my drift?

The Miz has just won the title so I don’t see any point taking it off him already. So it’s Miz to retain for me, but probably at the expense of a DQ loss. Why not, eh?

Pick: Rey Mysterio by DQ/count-out, Miz retains

*****

Daniel Bryan v Kane

Daniel Bryan is the WWE success story of the last 12 months. He’s emerged as one of the most important performers on the roster, upped his mic skills tremendously, has the most over catchphrase in the business and regularly has the most entertaining matches and segments on both RAW and Smackdown…

So it’s completely baffling to me that in the last 2 weeks, WWE has booked him to lose cleanly to Randy Orton and John Cena on free TV! These are surely PPV calibre matches! I swear the WWE booking team in made up of 90% mongaloids.

Following those losses, Bryan really needs to get a big victory under his belt here… But all signs are pointing to a Kane victory courtesy of an assist from Charlie Sheen. I hope that sentence is as surreal to read as it was to write.

Pick: Kane

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Chris Jericho v Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler has made some very valid points when he says Jericho has been a huge disappointment since returning to the WWE in January. Y2J hasn’t won a single match on PPV all year, and that’s a troubling stat.

Of course, to an extent one must applaud Jericho for selflessly putting others over this year… But Jericho also has his own name to protect. He may like to think of himself in the same bracket as the likes of The Rock and The Undertaker an, but for me he’s a step below those names and his win/loss record still holds some importance towards his credibility. If he wants his re-return in 2013 to mean something, then he surely needs to bow out with a tick in the win column. As this is likely to be the last we see of Jericho for 4 or 5 months, I’m assuming he brings his A-game to the Staples Center and leaves us with an emphatic victory.

So I’m opting for a Jericho win in what will likely be our match of the night. And even though Ziggler will be the one staring at the lights, it won’t be the last we see of him on the night…

Pick: Chris Jericho

*****

Brock Lesnar v HHH

Surely Lesnar can’t lose again? Surely not even WWE is that stupid!? Like many others of you out there, I’m seriously hoping for an Undertaker and Brock Lesnar showdown at Wrestlemania… And in order for that to have its maximum impact, Lesnar can’t lose again between now and then. His name-value has already been too sorely diminished following his loss to Cena.

I don’t foresee Lesnar winning with a 3 count here. I’m envisioning a ref-stoppage, or perhaps Stephanie McMahon demanding the match be ended for the sake of her husband’s health. That’ll be the smart thing to do. Just as long as Lesnar’s arm is the one being raised at the end of the bout, I’ll be happy.

But no doubt, I’ll be 100% off the mark for daring to think logically, and HHH will book himself to go over clean. *Sigh*

Pick: Brock Lesnar

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Sheamus v Alberto Del Rio

This has been a pretty boring feud and I hope this marks the end of it. Why exactly did GM Booker T cancel the match and then reinstate it the following week? Was that supposed to be an exciting pay-off to the storyline?! Because I swear I’ve been more entertained by watching cardboard exist.

I once again see Sheamus retaining, and then a post-match beatdown from Del Rio and (the hilarious) Ricardo will lead to Ziggler cashing in his briefcase and claiming the title. Ziggler is at his peak and it’s surely the right time for WWE to release the shackles and let him have his much-deserved run as champion.

I’m sure many of you will be predicting the same, and thus it might be a little too obvious too some – but more often than not, the obvious prediction is the correct prediction. Just ask Sherlock Holmes. No wait… He’s fictional. Ask your neighbour instead.

Pick: Sheamus

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CM Punk v Big Show v John Cena

CM Punk has been building up some much-needed steam of late and restoring the “cool factor” that was so obviously missing from his character during the first half of 2012. So I think it would be the wrong move to take the title off him following his well-received heel turn.

I’m keen to believe that we’ll be seeing CM Punk v The Rock at the Royal Rumble, and that CM Punk will remain champion for the remainder of this year. (And the sooner he updates that puke-inducing bling belt, the better)

The Big Show is only involved here so Cena or Punk doesn’t have to take the pinfall – but I see Punk as being the more likely to steal the victory. He’ll then be concentrating on cementing himself as the top heel in the company for the remainder of the year… and that sounds like good television to me.

Pick: CM Punk

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Those are my picks jabronis, please add your own below. I love it when you do.

I think this Summerslam has a very attractive looking card indeed, so fingers cross it can deliver on its worth. I’m rather saddened by the fact that I won’t have the chance to watch it live, but hey, it’s a cruel world, right?

Once again, I apologise for the lack of depth here today. I promise with all might to double my efforts next time round, when my time is more plentiful.

Over and out.


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