TNA iMPACT Results – March 17th

The show opens with Sting coming out to the ring. He has a new TNA Title belt, as well as the old, odd strap. The new belt looks like a real belt. Sting said that he has been waiting a while to say this and called our Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. On the way to the ring, Hogan did the “pound my chest because you mean a lot to me” thing to a fan or two. Why a heel does that, I have no idea.



They hit the ring and Sting said that the old belt was all that was left of Jeff Hardy. He told Hogan he could do whatever he wanted with it. Hogan tossed it out of the ring. Sting asked Hogan how he could destroy a man like he did with Jeff Hardy (so Hardy’s problems are Hogan’s fault I guess). Then Sting said that Jeff was a grown man who chose to go down a bad road and it’s all his fault, except that Hogan and Bischoff had influence on him and sold him on whatever it was that made Jeff F up at the PPV.

Sting said he can’t do anything for Jeff, but he can do whatever needs to be done for the guys in the back.

Hogan said that Sting was a part time guy and asked Sting what he was trying to do, blaming Hogan and Bischoff for what Hardy did. Hardy let Immortal down. Hogan ran down Hardy. Hardy’s problems were his own fault, not theirs. Everyone in Immortal are top guys at the top of their game. Hogan told Sting that “everybody makes their own deal around here” and told Sting he better save his own ass. Since he came back, Hogan’s cell has been ringing off the hook. Everyone in this business is calling him to be part of what he is doing. Sting is replacable.

Sting said if his phone is ringing off the hook, why is it he is only seeing those two, and no real talent. Brother Ray’s music hit and he came out.

Ray took the mic and said he has been ringing Hogan’s phone off the hook. He said he has been waiting for this opportunity all his life, 20 years. He said that there would be no wrestling business today if it wasn’t for Hogan. He said that it burns Sting’s ass. He called Sting a co-star and he said he understands because he has been carrying Devon for 15 years. He said Sting was jealous and he has the fans fooled. He said he could never upstage Hogan and that is why Sting came back. Fans booed and Hogan said for them to shut up. Ray said he would like to be a part of Immortal and said that he wanted to the first step of taking out Sting and winning the title. He told Sting no matter what he does, he will never be out of Hogan’s shadow.

Hogan was about to give Ray a title shot when AJ Styles, Kazarian and Beer Money hit the ring. After a commercial we come back and AJ has the mic. He said that there are four men in the ring named Fortune and they have Sting’s back 100%. AJ told Ray that when he got into the business, he wanted to be a singles wrestler. It didn’t happen but he had a singles wrestler that carried the load. Ray was not happy. AJ said that Devon was the star and without him he would have never had any titles because Devon carried the load.

Bubba said that he wanted to slap AJ. AJ was ready to go. Ray said that Dixie carried AJ and that he is shot that Dixie wasn’t breast feeding him. Ray tried to move on from AJ and get his title shot and AJ slapped Ray in the face. Hogan kept him from fighting with AJ and Mr. Anderson’t music hit. Out he came.

He did the a hole commentary and then asked where his rematch was. Hogan called him an a hole. Anderson feigned that it hurt him to hear, falling to the mat, then said he owned being an a hole and said it over and over again. Hogan told Anderson he couldn’t the job done against RVD. Anderson said RVD couldn’t either, and called Hogan Terrence (cuz that is his real name you know!).

Bischoff piped in and said that since the network wants ratings, he has an idea. There will be a four way to be the guy who will fight Sting. He says it should be Ray, Anderson, RVD and AJ. Anderson said no, he should get his shot. Bischoff said that they have the power and it’s going to happen.

If I missed anything, I apologize. It’s 9:22 and that was a lot of stuff to type. No wrestling at all.

Backstage, we saw Kurt Angle with a big box, which is a present for the newlyweds, Jeff and Karen Angle.

A video aired for the 4/17 Lockdown PPV.

In the back, AJ talked to RVD. He told him that the other two guys in the match tonight were heels and offered to watch RVD’s back if he would do the same. RVD mentioned they had a bad history. He said he never lost the title and would win it on his own tonight. AJ didn’t seem to like that. They are not pals and won’t be working together if that segment is to be believed.

Alyssa Flash was on her way to the ring for a Knockouts title match and Madison Rayne, with Tara, attacked her on the ramp. She took her into the ring and pinned her. Yes, at 9:29 we got out first minute of match and it lasted less than a minute. Mickie James came out and said that Madison is whatever she is and that she would fight Madison. She told Mickie she had her chance and she needed Mickie to put something on the line. Mickie asked what she wanted. Madison said she wanted her hair. So Lockdown is Title vs. Hair.

The Pope is was in the back with a blind guy, a fat woman and a guy in a wheelchair. The gist is that they are workers and he is gonna do an evangelist gimmick on them, you know because we didn’t just see the guy in the wheelchair practice jumping out of it for their work which I am guessing will come later.

It’s 9:33 and we have had less than a minute of wrestling. That doesn’t sound like Total Nonstop Action to me.

Anderson asked Hogan to explain how he has to wrestle for a title shot he already owns. Hogan runs this place so he can do it his way or the hard way. What’s it gonna be? Anderson throws the camera out so he can talk to Hogan alone.

The Pope was in the ring with his three friends from the back. Pope said miracles need to be performed in this world. He has them in front of him and asked for an amen. He asked again. Some fools amened him. He said he is gonna perform miracles like “Jesus Christ that have been done over 10,000 years ago by that Jesus Christ”. See, Pope isn’t really religious because he didn’t know when Jesus lived.

He turned to the afflicted to heal them. He went to the blind man. He asked him to kiss Pope’s ring. Of course, the blind guy couldn’t get it, because being blind is funny in TNA. Pope took off his glasses. He spit in his hand and called it holy oil, and rubbed it on the guy’s face. The guy can see. Pope asked for a HA men, and the guy gave him a hallelujah. Close enough for Pope.

Pope went over to the guy in the wheelchair and made fun of him for being a cripple, and mocked him for diving in water on his head. He then felt the guy’s legs, and slapped him in the head. The guy got out of the chair and danced. Taz said it’s like The Oddities. Yes it is, but at least they were funny.

Now, it’s time for the fat chick. She is too fat for even the Pope to help.

Samoa Joe came out with the green hornet. Pope hid behind the marks. Pope rolled to the floor and grabbed the hornet. He held something, which appeared to be a knife, to hornet’s throat. He hit hornet with the mic and laid him out on the ran. The knife was actually a prop.

9:46, still less than one minute of wrestling.

We see Pope in the back. He has hornet stung up. OK, it’s Okada. He pulls off his mask and says he is ugly. Pope told him to not take the beating he was giving personal, then said it was personal. Pope is schizophrenic I guess. He hit Okada in the nuts and called it chopped sushi. Joe yelled from far away so Pope got in one last shot and ran. Joe thinks Pope is a son of a bitch. He spoke in Japanese to Okada.

RVD faces off with Mr. Anderson. RVD thinks he sucks for just wanting a title shot and not being a better man. Anderson said he owns the fact that he’s an a hole. They fight about who is in bed with Hogan. I know the answer, it’s Linda Hogan! She’s the only sure bet.

It’s 9:54 and we still have less than one mother f’n minute of wrestling. Stu Carapola deserves a huge raise. Recapping this is not stop typing, not action. If I have made typos, I don’t even care anymore. These people don’t give a person time to proof read anything.

Velvet Sky, Angelina Love and Winter were in the back. Velvet was happy. Then Winter came in. She is not happy anymore. Winter and Angelina fought over who would get to hop into bed with, er wrestle with, Angie tonight. Angie chose to go with the European food. Velvet isn’t happy.

Jeff and Karen Jarrett came out. Apparently she forgot how made she was at Victory Road because she is happy now. Jeff has nothing left to prove. He has done it all to Kurt Angle and there is not one shred of dignity left in that man. For the good of the kids, he can’t do anything more to their father. He is offering a truce to Kurt. Karen thanked him. Jeff then told Kurt he could come out now and ask for forgiveness (yeah, don’t ask, it made no sense).

Kurt came out with the gift he had earlier. Kurt told Jeff he is right and he is the better man. The gift is a symbol so that they can move on and coexist. Jeff asked if he was sincere. Kurt told him to look at him and said, don’t I look sincere. He didn’t in case you were curious, but Jeff missed that. he opened the gift and it was a red, white and blue guitar. Kurt raised Jeff and Karen’s hands. Can you guess what happened next? In case you can’t, Kurt nailed Jeff in the head with it and he gigged. Karen hit Kurt in the nuts twice but Kurt laughed. And then he pulled out a cup. He protected his angle-nuts.

Angle said it was time to get medieval on someone’s ass and he would cut Jeff a deal, those two in a steel cage in Lockdown. Jeff shook his head no. Kurt said that he would hunt him and Karen down if not. Karen told Jeff not to say yes but he did, to save the family I guess. We have another match.

In the back Bischoff was with Gunner, Murphy and Rob Terry giving them a promo about how they need all of the titles. Abyss did that and won the TV title but he can’t defend it due to losing his spleen and all so the three of them will win it in a match for the vacant belt. Could we actually get another minute of wrestling? It’s 10:10, so why would we want that?

Karen Angle is in the back screaming. Her ex-husband is crazy and she needs the police sent to the Impact Zone. Jeff said tell them who your husband is. She does.

Then we see a promo for the TV Title match. Yes, 75 minutes in and we get a promo for the first real match and it’s Terry, Gunner and Murphy. Gunner and Murphy came out first.

Gunner and Murphy came out first. Then came Terry. At 10:17, the match starts. Almost at the opening bell they go to the back where cops are coming for Angle. Rob Terry was in charge early on. Gunner then went after Terry and his partner. He has crazy eyes and wants the title. He lays out his partner and at 10:19 pins him to win the title. He gets the belt and puts it in his mouth. He’s happy.

In the back, AJ said he was looking out for RVD earlier, but he gets it, he can take care of himself. He is going to jump into the driver’s seat and take care of himself. He said he has three guys to deal with. No, he has four. In comes Ric Flair. AJ nails Flair and down he goes. AJ said that felt good.

They showed TNA action figures, which you can get from our friends at Desmond Wolfe has one of the six. Wow, maybe they should put him on TV or something.

Karen Angle is with the cops. She wants her ex husband Kurt arrested. He attacked Jeff. She is going crazy until Jeff tells her to calm down. She is nuts, so Jeff said go with the cops because he knows what to do. She does.

Six person mixed tag next as Matt Morgan, Winter and Angelina Love take on Sarita, Rosie and Hernandez. They reviewed the finish of the Hernandez-Morgan match from the PPV. Yeah, the lame fake blood one. Hernandez came out with the cousins and did a promo. He said that Mexico was taking over. This was our land and now it’s theirs. I can’t make this up. Out come the faces and it’s on. The men are in the ring to start but it ended quickly when Winter pinned one of the cousins in a minute. The fan from the PPV jumped out of the crowd into the ring and attacked Morgan.

90 minutes, less than four minutes of wrestling. I don’t care what Spike TV wants, this is a frickin’ travesty.

Well, it’s 10:30 and we have the four way. It SHOULD get some time. We will see.

OK, the intros are done and its 10:38. The bell rings. Wow, I expected a commercial but no, they all face off. I will not do a blow by blow because my fingers are fatigued from the typing above. At 10:44, while Ray and AJ are on the floor, Ray tried to hit AJ with a chair. Earl Hebner stopped him and the chair fell into the ring. RVD is back suplexed by Anderson on the chair and Hebner counts what looks like a double pin. As Hebner was about to tell Jeremy Borash the decision, Ray hit Earl, then Borash. AJ then attacked Ray on the floor and they brawled really stiffly on the floor. They were laying them in there. RVD and Anderson were still in the ring I guess, we weren’t shown them. Ray went up to the stage, with AJ in pursuit with a chair. Just as AJ was about to hit Ray, Ric Flair hit AJ in the nuts. The two of them worked over AJ on the stage. Flair signed to the floor and Ray did a sit out powerbomb from the stage through a table on AJ. Great spot. Two refs were at ringside with one doing a fake X symbol Al Snow and some other managers came out. The announcers said we needed to take a break and we went to commercial.

We come back and Ray and AJ are still on the floor, being attended to. Before we got an update on what happened or if Anderson or RVD were still alive, they went to a video recap of what we just saw. On one replay you could actually see Flair positioning Ray’s back before the big spot. Call it a hunch but I think Ray knows how to do that spot Naitch. As they attended to AJ the floor, Ray was on the stage heeling AJ as Snow and Simon Diamond/Pat Kenny pulled him away. They stretchered out AJ as the rest of Fortune watched AJ (but didn’t go after Ray).

They slowly immobilized AJ and prepared him for transit. They showed many fan shows, with some of them looking concerned.

Mike Tenay then said, “As tough as this is to watch, let’s go back and take another look”. That, my friends, is empathy. As AJ was being rolled away, Tenay wondered what the finish of the match was. Taz, who apparently has a heart, seemed more concerned with the immobile AJ.

As AJ was put into the ambulance Fortune was concerned. Kaz went and called Wendy to tell her that her husband/his best friend was really hurt. The show ends as the ambulance pulls away with AJ inside. Mike Tenay is probably still more concerned about what the actual decision of the match was.


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