TNA iMPACT Results – May 13th

TNA iMPACT Report – May 13th, 2010
Report by Stuart Carapola, PWInsider



We open with a video package of last week’s Sting-Hogan confrontation, which culminated in an attack on Sting by Jeff Jarrett, as well as highlights of the RVD-Desmond Wolfe match and postmatch attack on RVD by AJ Styles.

Cue the opening video! We’re back on Thursday nights as we lead into Sacrifice this weekend, and your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

Let’s head to the ring to open the show with your friend and mine, Eric Bischoff. Bischoff says he loves all the fans, so without any further ado, let’s introduce the TNA World Champion, Rob Van Dam! He introduces him as Mr TNA, which makes sense since I guess we can’t call him Mr Monday Night anymore. His entrance music still sucks. Bischoff talks about the online poll to determine the rankings in TNA, and says that over half a million people voted in the first poll. So I guess it makes sense you’d have Desmond job in three minutes after winning a poll that many people participated in. Bischoff announces RVD vs Jeff Hardy for later tonight, but there’s one problem: Bischoff can’t get ahold of Jeff Hardy. Did they check the North Carolina Penal System? RVD says the best part of being champion is proving he’s the best and popping ratings for TNA. Cue AJ Styles, who comes to the ring alone. Styles tells RVD to watch his mouth since there are children present, and that he needs to be a role model like AJ Styles. Styles says he’s in the mood to hurt somebody, and says the fans came here to see not RVD, but came to see AJ. AJ challenges RVD to a match later tonight, and he says he knows he has RVD in three days at Sacrifice, but he wants to break RVD’s legs tonight because he doesn’t plan on breaking a sweat at Sacrifice when he takes back “his” title. Oh wait, Jeff Hardy’s music hits, and I guess he’s here after all. Tenay says his clock is different than everyone else’s, and I guess I can guess as to some of the reasons why. Hardy says he’s sorry he’s late but TNA changes its start time so often that he can’t keep it straight, but he’s ready for his match tonight. Styles says he’s out of luck because he’s wrestling RVD tonight and tells Hardy to get lost, but Hardy says that RVD has final say since he’s the champion and suggests a three way. RVD tells Bischoff to make the match, and it’s official: RVD vs AJ Styles vs Jeff Hardy later tonight!

We come back from commercial, and JB is with the Beautiful People. He mentions that Tara’s putting her career on the line this weekend, and Madison Rayne says that this weekend, she’s going to prove that she deserves the Knockouts Title. Velvet says all the Knockouts gold is going to stay where it is, and Tara’s going to be just another victim. Lacey, who had been dancing around the whole interview, says she has to pee and runs off the set. Velvet Sky says she can’t believe she just got cut off, and I have to say I can’t believe what I just watched either. Couldn’t agree more, Velvet.

Let’s head to the ring for our opening match…

Taylor Wilde vs Tara

Taylor goes right after Tara to start and Tara bails to the floor. Taylor goes after her with a crossbody off the apron. The referee pulls her off and sends them back in the ring, where Taylor hits a leg lariat, but hesitates too long and Tara Tullys her to the ramp. Tara follows her out, slams her on the ramp, then tosses her back in. Tara goes for the somersault legdrop over the top, Taylor moves and goes for a springboard crossbody out of the corner, but Tara catches her coming out with a kick to the midsection and covers Taylor for 3. That was kind of abrupt.

Winner: Tara

Tara takes off her knee brace and beats Taylor to smithereens with it after the match until Sarita runs in to chase Tara off. Did Tara always have that spider tattoo on her shoulder? Don’t remember seeing it before.

We go backstage, where a bunch of people are huddling around a crying Chelsea and an irate Desmond Wolfe who says that someone just assaulted Chelsea.

We come back from commercial and Christy is saying that Chelsea is alleging that she was assaulted in an undisclosed location. Let’s head back to the ring for another match…

Brian Kendrick vs Douglas Williams

Williams tells Kendrick before the match that Kendrick is crazy and a loser, and he’s never seen him win a match, so tonight’s match is non-title. Trivia note: both these men were in the match to crown the first ROH Champion. Kendrick attacks Williams to start but Williams comes back with a knee to the gut and a snap vertical suplex for 2. Williams with a back elbow and a kneedrop as Frankie Kazarian joins the broadcast team to discuss his match with Williams at Sacrifice. Kendrick comes back with some kicks and a flying forearm for 2, but Williams rolls out to the floor. Williams picks the leg from the outside and slams it into the ring apron, then comes back in and DDTs the leg. Williams with a half crab on Kendrick as Kazarian decides to go down to ringside and reclaim his title belt. Williams sees him coming and goes to grab the belt, allowing Kendrick to roll him up from behind for the win.

Winner: Brian Kendrick

Good thing it was non-title. We go back to Christy who is with Head Of Security Pat Kenney and presses him for details, and he says he doesn’t believe what he just heard, and walks off.

We’re back from commercial and she has a name for Chelsea’s alleged attacker, but the police will not let her name them until they have the person in custody. Le sigh. Let’s go back to the ring for another two minutes of in-ring action…

Generation Me vs Matt Morgan

Morgan kills both of them with a double clothesline, then picks Jeremy up for a suplex and just plants him with a uranage, then takes Max’s head off with a big boot. He grabs a mic and asks Hogan if it looks like he’s playing. He said there would be bloodshed if Hogan didn’t tell him who his partner would be at Sacrifice, and the bloodshed will begin now. He tosses Jeremy to the floor and puts his head against the ringpost, but before he can hit the Carbon Footprint, Samoa Joe comes stalking out. Morgan meets him in the ring and tries a Carbon Footprint in the corner, but Joe dodges, hits a leaping enziguiri, then hits the Muscle Buster. That was impressive, but if he can get Morishima up then I guess he would be able to do Morgan too. How much you wanna bet Joe’s going to be the partner? I guess let’s call this…

No Contest

Wait, now the Band’s music hits, and they come out…with Nash’s Feast Or Fired briefcase for a tag title shot. Ah yes, I think we all know what’s going to happen now.

TNA World Tag Team Title Match: Matt Morgan vs Scott Hall & Kevin Nash

Nash simply covers Morgan, hooks the leg, and Earl Hebner makes the three count.

Winners and NEW TNA World Tag Team Champions: Scott Hall & Kevin Nash

We’re backstage with Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal, who say that Hall and Nash have had their time, and they’re going to take their time at Sacrifice! Let’s go back to the ring…

Team 3D vs Beer Money vs Ink Inc vs Motor City Machine Guns

This’ll be fun to recap. Storm and Shelley start and they do a fast paced sequence that ends with Shelley making a blind tag to Sabin, who tosses Storm to the floor and follows him out with a dive. Back in the ring, Sabin covers for 2, then Storm goes to the eyes. Roode and Devon are in now and they go toe to toe with Devon coming out on top of that and hitting a powerslam for 2. Tag out to Brother Ray and 3D with a double flapjack. Moore tags himself in and hits a flying bodypress on Roode for 2, but Roode tosses him to the floor where Storm rams him into the guardrail and beats the snot out of him before tossing him back in the ring. Storm tags in and Beer Money with a double elbow and double lungblower for 2. Roode tags back in and goes to work on Moore and then we HIT THE CHINLOCK! Moore fights out and gets a sunset flip for 2, but Roode kills him with a clothesline for 2. Storm tags in and now he decides to HIT THE CHINLOCK, Moore fights out and hits a flippy bulldog and makes the hot tag to Jesse Neal who comes in and cleans house on Roode. Beer Money double team him but Brother Ray tags himself in…and gets rolled up by Neal for 2. Now the MCMG come in and go to work on Team 3D before kicking Storm off the apron and wiping out Roode on the floor, and it’s Neal and Devon, but Bubba hits him from behind and 3D hits the Doomsday Device…but Moore makes the save! They go for 3D on Moore but Neal breaks it up, allowing Moore to hit the Mooregasm on Brother Ray and Neal to hit the spear for the win.

Winners: Ink Inc

We go backstage to another close captioned promo with Ric Flair, who gives his thoughts on tonight’s main event, and he says that if nothing else gets accomplished tonight, RVD’s going to be limping into Sacrifice.

Rob Terry is backstage, and he’s…WALKING! He faces Abyss next!

We’re backstage and Jeff Hardy’s putting his makeup on, and RVD comes in to discuss tonight’s main event. We get more closed captioning as they talk about how into this the fans are. Jeff’s a huge fan of RVD’s as champion, but he envisions himself as the champion as well. It’s all cool, and they’ll see each other out in the ring. Let’s head back to the ring!

Global Title Match: Rob Terry vs Abyss

Terry awaits Abyss in the ring, but Abyss doesn’t come out, and we go backstage to discover why: he’s being hauled out in handcuffs. He’s asking for Dixie and Hulk or at least some answers, but the cops haul him out and stuff him in the back of the car anyway. Desmond Wolfe jumps him as they try to stuff him in the back of the car, but some security guys come and pull him off, but Hogan comes out and says not to worry because he doesn’t know what’s going on, but everything will be okay. Abyss is freaking out because they want him to take his mask off, and Hogan says he knows Abyss didn’t do this and, as Abyss swears he didn’t do it and asks Hogan to get Dixie, Hogan takes his mask off and pulls his hood over his head and then the cops stuff Abyss in the back of the car and take him off to the pokey. Well, I guess we can also call this one…

No Contest

Hogan says he’s right behind Abyss and, as the car starts to pull away, Hogan starts JOGGING BEHIND THE POLICE CAR. This is too ridiculous for words. Rob Terry’s staring off into space, apparently having trouble comprehending this situation, and his limited mental faculties allow Orlando Jordan to run in from behind and attack Rob Terry, lowblow him, and then lay him out with a pipe. Then he pulls out “the wild card” from a deck of cards, and leaves it on Terry as Tenay says that Jordan left his mark on the back of Rob Terry. I love the symbolism. Oh, and Terry’s defending the Global Title against Orlando Jordan this weekend at Sacrifice. I can’t wait. We’re at commercial.

We’re back, and Orlando Jordan is still in the ring. Oh joy. Jordan says it’s time we cut the foreplay: he says he does whatever he wants because he is the TNA Wild Card. Jordan asks the fans if they really want him to leave, but he says that he’ll fulfill every fan’s wildest fantasy, and he challenges anyone from the back to come kick him out. Tomko and the midget he ate answer the challenge, so now we go to…

Orlando Jordan vs Tomko

Tomko tosses Jordan around, but Jordan gets a really nice double leg takedown, but misses a charge in the corner and Tomko press slams him into a fallaway slam. He goes for Snake Eyes, but Jordan slips out the back and hits a sweet dropkick. Jordan gouges away at the face of Tomko as I think about how odd it is that both of these men have beaten Samoa Joe. Jordan with a flying mare (which Tomko nearly can’t make it over for), so Jordan gets another one and gets it right this time and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! Tomko escapes and hits a clothesline for 2, but Jordan with a lungblower for 2. Tomko goes for a double leg of his own but Jordan with a guillotine choke and the ref stops the match.

Winner: Orlando Jordan

We go backstage to Hulk Hogan, who is interrupted by Lacey Von Erich. Lacey shows him a video on her iPhone as we go back to commercial. OOOOH, I bet Lacey has what *really* happened with Chelsea and Abyss on that phone! I wonder what else she has videos of on that phone…ah, whatever. We’re at commercial.

We’re back, and Eric Bischoff tells Tara that her attitude lately has been piss poor, and he’s making her wrestle again tonight. So, I guess we’re going back to the ring…

Sarita vs Tara

Sarita is such an amazing wrestler, I really wish she’d get a better role than what I expect will be another two minute job to Tara. Sarita attacks her on the ramp and then tosses her back in the ring where the bell rings to start the match, and Tara immediately rolls out to the floor. Sarita follows her out and beats her up some more, then tosses her back in the ring and…beats her up some more. Finally Sarita with a suplex and Tara begs off. Sarita charges Tara and Tara monkey flips her to the apron, but Sarita lands on her feet and comes back in with a double stomp to Tara. Sarita tries to take Tara’s knee brace off, the referee tries to pull her off and Sarita accidentally nails him in the eye, allowing Tara to take off the knee brace and whack Sarita with it for the three count. Such a crime.

Winner: Tara

Tara continues beating Sarita down with the knee brace, but the referee pulls her off and sends her to the back.

AJ Styles is in the back staring menacingly at the walls as he gets ready for tonight’s main event, and it’s next!

We’re back and it’s time for our main event! But first, Hardy and Styles make their entrances, and before RVD makes his entrance, he makes sure everyone knows that AJ Styles is going to get his ass kicked at Sacrifice, and tonight they’re going to throw Jeff Hardy into the mix as well. We’re at commercial!

TNA World Champion Rob Van Dam vs AJ Styles vs Jeff Hardy

Bell rings and all three men circle one another. RVD and Hardy begin to conspire against Styles, who attacks both of them but eats a spinkick from RVD. Hardy with a clothesline turns Styles inside out, then they whip him into the ropes and hit a double hiptoss. Hardy slams Styles and they high five before RVD hits a spinning legdrop. Hardy goes for the cover but RVD pulls him off. Hardy hits a spinning back kick to RVD to send him to the floor and it’s Hardy and AJ. Hardy reverses a whip and hits a big backdrop and covers AJ for 2. RVD back in and he cleans house with kicks, then suplexes Hardy and then one for AJ. He covers AJ but Hardy breaks up the pin. Hardy with a gourdbuster and then one for AJ. Hardy with an Ace Crusher and then a neckbreaker for AJ and he covers RVD but AJ breaks up the pin. Now AJ’s going to work on both men, hitting a Dragon Screw Legwhip on RVD and then a Stinger Splash in the corner on Hardy. AJ clips RVD’s knee and then gets the figure four, but Hardy breaks it up and then goes up top, but AJ knocks him off the top to the floor. RVD monkey flips AJ out of the corner as Ken Anderson comes out to ringside and lays out Hardy. RVD comes off the top with a jumpkick, but AJ pulls the ref in the way and RVD nails the ref. RVD goes to attack AJ but sees Anderson on the floor and goes after him, and AJ uses the distraction to hit a somersault dive and wipe out all three men. AJ with a DDT on the floor on RVD, then tosses him back in the ring and covers RVD with his feet on the ropes for the win.

Winner: AJ Styles

Hardy asks for a mic after the match, he tells RVD to get out of the ring because he’s got this. He tells Anderson to come to the ring so they can settle this now. Anderson starts to come down to the ring, then decides better of this and starts to head to the back. Hulk Hogan’s music hits, and out comes Hogan himself and blocks Anderson’s way. Anderson takes a shot at Hogan, but Hogan blocks and nails Anderson, allowing Hardy to come after Anderson and a brawl breaks out…as we go to commercial.

We’re back and Hardy and Anderson are still brawling at ringside, and Anderson seems to have gotten the better of Hardy. Hardy turns the tables…literally, as he drags a table over by the broadcast area and then goes up the steps onto the broadcast table and hits a Swanton off the broadcast table onto Anderson and both go through the table. Hardy goes around high fiving the fans while we see twenty replays of the dive from different angles.

Finally we go to Lacey’s cell phone video of Chelsea and Desmond Wolfe in the ladies room, as Chelsea and Desmond were in there planning the whole Abyss attack story and tearing up Chelsea’s dress to make it look as if she had been attacked. So the whole thing was a ruse!!! I know, I’m as shocked as you are. We go to a promo video hyping this weekend’s Sacrifice PPV, and we’re out.

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