We start off with a video package recapping last week when James Storm discovered Bobby Roode wasn’t the one who attacked him backstage, and he then spent the rest of the episode searching for his true attacker, accusing AJ Styles before being attacked by Kurt Angle. Speaking of Angle, he kicks off this week’s show by coming out to the ring for our opening promo. He says he didn’t attack Storm from behind in Macon, Storm just didn’t see him coming. Storm’s music hits and he comes out to inform Angle he’s going to stick his size 12 cowboy boot up Angle’s ass. Storm said it was personal when Angle came to the company and they used to travel together to the show, it was personal when their kids started playing together, but now it’s business. If Angle wants to look a man in the eyes and whoop his ass, go ahead and do it right now. Angle says Storm screwed him out of his World Title, so all he wanted to do was get revenge by screwing him out of the title two weeks ago. Storm says the fans are tired of listening to people talk (he takes off his hat and jacket and takes a chug of his beer) so he hopes Angle doesn’t take this personally, but he’s going to whoop his ass right now. Angle says he’s a gentleman and doesn’t want to fight, but he knows some guys who want to fight right now. Christopher Daniels, Bully Ray, and Jeff Jarrett come out and surround Storm while Angle eggs him on and asks Storm what he’s going to do. Angle told Storm to tell his daughter that he was the one who gave him a concussion, so he did and his daughter told him to give Angle this (this being a punch in the face). AJ Styles, Ken Anderson, and Rob Van Dam run in to even the odds and a big brawl breaks out to set up the main event elimination match.
Earlier today, Eric Young was riding around the parking lot on a scooter with referee Rudy Charles. They stop so Rudy can open a cooler and pull out a giant turkey suit. Can’t wait to see what this is about.
We go back to last week when Sting put Matt Morgan and Crimson togetherso they could challenge (and beat) Mexican America for the World Tag Team Title. And speaking of those teams…
World Tag Team Title Match: Matt Morgan & Crimson vs Mexican America
All heck breaks loose from the moment the champs get into the ring, and Morgan destroys Anarquia, tossing him across the ring and laying him out with a lariat. Crimson comes in and gives Anarquia a Snake Eyes followed by a big running forearm. Crimson with an inverted FU and then tags back out to Morgan, who easily gets Anarquia up for a running powerslam. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Hernandez to knock him off the apron, then Crimson comes in and the champs give Anarquia a double shoulder tackle. Morgan and Crimson with a double chokeslam for an extremely easy first title defense.
Winners: Matt Morgan & Crimson
This was awesome, Morgan and Crimson make a great monster team and hopefully they’ll do with them what they should have done with Morgan and Hernandez.
Eric Young and Rudy Charles walk in on Robbie E and Robbie T backstage looking for a rematch tonight. Robbie E turns him down of course, so Young tells Robbie he talked to Sting and they’re going to have a Turkey Suit Challenge tonight where the loser has to wear a turkey suit. Oh, come on. Rudy Charles isn’t on the VIP list, so he tells Robbie T to eject him. Young tells Robbie E that Sting said he had to do the match tonight or he’ll be stripped of the title. Robbie E stalks off saying this is ridiculous, and I can’t help but agree.
Karen Jarrett and Traci Brooks are backstage, and they’re…WALKING!
We look at last week when Mickie James beat 372 other women to win the Knockouts Gauntlet for a shot at the Knockouts Title at Final Resolution, then we head out to the arena where Karen Jarrett brings her entire crew out for PROMO TIME OMG!!! Karen tells Velvet Sky, Brooke Tessmacher, and Tara to come out to the ring right now to tell them that despite her efforts to get them to cover up, the horny freaks in the audience want to see them and think they’re real athletes and real wrestlers. Karen says there’s only one real athlete around here and that’s Gail Kim, so tonight, we’re going to have the first ever lingerie ball, soon to become a Thanksgiving tradition. Karen wants them to go backstage, get their skimpiest pieces of lingerie, and bring them out here. Karen says she ought to be used to it from when she slides down her pole and people stuff dollar bills down her bottom. If any of them have a problem with it, they know where the door is.
Christy goes backstage to the Knockouts locker room where, in one of the funniest segments ever on Impact, Velvet Sky, Tara, and Brooke Tessmacher act appalled at the idea of going out to the ring in their lingerie. REALLY?? Oh, and it gets better: Karen Jarrett just renamed the match the Thanksgiving Thong Thunder. Gail Kim shares her thoughts on how awesome Karen is when Mickie storms in and demands to talk to Gail in private. So they walk behind a door they leave just open enough so we can follow them and hear Mickie yell at Gail for coming in and setting the division back ten years when she thought she’d come in and have a positive influence. Gail says that if Mickie doesn’t like it, to go give Karen her notice. Mickie calls Gail a hypocrite, so Gail goes after her and then Madison runs in so they can beat Mickie down 2-on-1 until Gail tells Madison to get out of her way so she can kick her ass by herself and call her trash.
Okay, time for our real main event of the evening…
Thanksgiving Thong Thunder: Madison Rayne, Angelina Love & Winter vs Velvet Sky, Brooke Tessmacher, & Tara
We start the match with Brooke, who was disgusted with the entire idea of this match, climbing up in the corner and tearing her nightshirt open to reveal her skivvies. Then Tara does it and looks really pleased with herself. The heels climb the corner to display their merchandise, and then Velvet loses her nightshirt as well to show off her own eveningwear with a big smile on her face. The heels finally have enough and jump the babyfaces, dumping Velvet and Tessmacher while Winter chokes Tara with her boot. Winter runs Tara into the corner and follows in with a charging clothesline as we go to commercial.
Okay, we’re back and Tara is destroying Winter with clotheslines and a big bodyslam before doing the ass shaking standing moonsault for 2. Tessmacher comes in and gives Winter the assface in the corner, then gives her a series of armdrags and a dropkick. Winter lands in her corner and she tags in Madison, who nails Tessmacher from behind and chokes her out in the corner with her boot. Brooke dodges a corner charge, but gets dumped on the back of her head while Taz calls Madison’s outfit low end. I seriously cannot believe I’m watching this. Winter comes in with a side backbreaker for 2 and then tags out to Angelina for a running clothesline in the corner for another 2. Tessmacher with an inside cradle (since Taz doesn’t like saying small package in a Knockouts match), but that only gets 2 so they do a double spinning bulldog and they’re both down…but not out! Brooke makes the hot tag (which you can say in matches like this) and Velvet comes in to go to town on the heel group. Velvet with a bulldog on Madison and she goes for the Pedigree, but Winter breaks it up so Tara runs in and tackles her. They fight it out in one corner, Velvet and Angelina go at it in another corner,and the babyfaces take out the heels with a triple clothesline. Everyone else fights out on the floor as Madison hitsVelvet from behind and does her knee neckbreaker thing, but instead of going for the win, she grabs her title belt from the outside and goes to hit Velvet with it, but Mickie James runs out and grabs the belt, allowing Velvet to hit the Pedigree for the win.
Winners: Velvet Sky, Tara & Brooke Tessmacher
The really perpelexing thing about what was designed to be a purely gratuitous T&A segment (on TNA) actually turned out to be a really good match, maybe the best Knockouts match on Impact inas long as I can remember. Sometimes this company just makes my head spin.
Jeff Hardy is backstage, and he’s…wearing some weird mask. Okay.
Karen is backstage chewing out all the Knockouts because she told them to wear less, and they did, but Karen’s still not satisfied, so she’s making them fight again next week and this time, she’s bringing the outfits. That pounding sound you hear is my head cracking against the wall.
Jeff Hardy comes out in his stupid new mask, but then takes it off and reveals he’s actually Jeff Jarrett. He pretends to be Jeff and calls himself the Charismatic Enema, he takes asinine chance in his matches, he does these dynamic promos, and he does it for the fans, who love him because they can relate to him being a worthless loser and a degenerate. He wants the fans to grow up and humiliate and embarrass the company they work for just like him. Hardy’s music hits again and this time the genuine article runs out and goes after Jarrett, just destroying him until Immortal runs out and attack him 3-on-1. The opponents in the main event run out to even the odds, and another brawl breaks out until security runs in to separate them. Jarrett and Hardy go to the outside where Jarrett rams Hardy into the ring steps and then does it again for laughs.
We now go to a video package hyping the Turkey Suit Match like it’s the damn main event of Wrestlemania, as we look back at other folks who have been unfortunate enough to wear the suit, and then it’s off to the ring for Main Event #2…
Turkey Suit Challenge: Robbie E vs Eric Young
Eric Young introduces the man, the mth, the legend himself: Rudy Charles, who comes out to the ring carrying the suit and being identified by the graphic as “Rudy Charles: Referee & Turkey Man”. Young takes the suit and crams it down Robbie’s throat, but Robbie suckerpunches him and they head into the ring…with the turkey suit, which Robbie stomps several timesbefore giving it an elbowdropand throwing it at the referee. Robbie sends Young to the ropes and hits a Russian Legsweep for 1, then comes off the second rope with a fistdrop for 2, with the referee using the turkey to make the count. The referee puts the turkey in the corner while Young and Robbie slug it out in the middle of the ring, and Young takes control with a running forearm and a clothesline. Young leapfrogs Robbie and hits a nice belly to belly suplex for 2. Robbie T hands Robbie E something from the outside and Robbie uses it to knock Young out and make the cover for 3.
Winner: Robbie E
Robbie makes the stupid mistake of hiding it under his armpit, which NEVER EVER WORKS, so when the referee raises his hand, the object falls to the mat so the referee can see it, get all mad, and restart the match. Robbie shoves the referee around until the referee shoves him back. Robbie gets flustered and goes after the referee, and Young capitalizes by giving Robbie the patented Kurt Angle Attack From Behind and then a piledriver for the win.
Actual Winner: Eric Young
Young takes a microphone and says it’s Thanksgiving and it’s a time to give, so first the bad news: looks like Robbie won’t be able to wear the turkey suit tonight. The good news is that with the fans’ help and his keen intuition, they can find a replacement. He turns the turkey suit into a metal detector and beeps more and more rapidly until he comes to Robbie T, and we all know where this is going. Rudy Charles says by the power invested in him by the Stinger, Robbie T has to wear the turkey suit and if he doesn’t, Robbie E will be stripped of the TV Title. Young leads the crowd in a chant of “turkey” as Rob Terry takes the damn suit and puts it on. This really is the damndest wrestling show I think I’ve ever watched.
We go backstage where Rudy Charles tells Eric Young it was great to be back on TV, and that they have to start training because there’s only 365 days until next Thanksgiving. Young thanks the fans for tuning in as he jogs while Rudy Charles rides around behind him on a bicycle before crashing face first into the back of a truck. Why.
Okay, it’s main event time (for the normal people watching this)!
Elimination Match: Jeff Hardy, AJ Styles, Ken Anderson & Rob Van Dam vs Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Jeff Jarrett & Bobby Roode
Looks like Jeff Hardy was taken out by that earlier attack, so the babyfaces go into the match 4-on-3, with James Storm and Kurt Angle at ringside. Instead of going to the ring, Roode goes over to the broadcast booth to loosen up, so it’s going to be functionally 3-on-3 until Roode comes in whenever. Speaking of Styles, he starts off with Daniels and they go back and forth until AJ just stomps Daniels out in the corner and then hits the snapmare/kick/flying kneedrop combo. Jarrett tags in and gets hiptosses across the ring where Anderson tags in to go at it with the Founder. Anderson with a pair of hiptosses and an elbowdrop for 2. Bubba tags in and hits a vertical suplex for 2, then Daniels comes in with a leg lariat for 2. Anderson gets Daniels up and hits a Finlay Roll for 2, then drags Daniels to the corner and tags in Rob Van Dam, who lays Daniels out with the stepover leg lariat for 2. Daniels rams RVD to the corner and tags out to Jarrett, who LAUNCHES Van Dam hard into the corner before tagging out to Bubba, who gets a 2 count on RVD and then goes to a chinlock. Bubba yanks RVD down by the hair and then the heel team tag in and out while working RVD over until RVD dodges a charge and tags out to Anderson, who comes in and goes at it with Bubba. Anderson with clotheslines, a back elbow, and a spinning neckbreaker for 2. Anderson picks Bubba up in a fireman’s carry, but Bubba slips out and flattens Anderson with a clothesline and a Rock Bottom. Now Roode runs down to the ring, tags himself in, and pins Anderson.
Ken Anderson is eliminated.
Styles comes in and goes after Roode like a madman, hitting a big backdrop, leaping forearm in the corner, and a high impact clothesline. Roode responds by punching Styles in the groin and gets himself disqualified.
Bobby Roode is eliminated.
We go to commercial and come back to Daniels hitting a snap suplex on AJ and then tagging out to Bubba and Jarrett, who come in with a big double delayed vertical suplex on AJ. AJ tries to fight his way to the corner, but Bubba picks him up and dumps him back into the heel corner. Daniels tags in and goes for Angel’s Wings, but AJ counters to a Frankensteiner and a Pelle Kick and makes the hot tag to RVD. Van Dam comes in and goes to town on Daniels, laying him out with a thrust kick before taking out Jarrett and Bubba as well. RVD with a springboard thrust kick and Rolling Thunder on Daniels and then he pops up to the top rope for the Five Star Frog Splash, but Angle hops onto the apron and shoves Van Dam off the turnbuckle and onto the top rope. Storm chases Angle off, but Daniels rolls RVD up for 3.
Rob Van Dam is eliminated.
AJ’s in a tough spot now, and gets taken out by a clothesline from Daniels, who then chokes him out with his boot. Bubba comes in and nearly launches AJ into the crowd with a backdrop, then tags in Daniels and tells him to give AJ the moonsault. Daniels hits the uranage and goes up for the BME, but AJ gets his boot up in the face of Daniels, who quickly tags out to Jarrett, but when Jarrett and Bubba try to sandwich AJ with clotheslines, AJ ducks and they take each other out. Everyone’s down, and Jeff Hardy’s music hits. He staggers out and tags in, laying Daniels out with an inverted enziguiri and giving him the Twist of Fate for 3.
Christopher Daniels is eliminated.
Hardy catches Jarrett with a small package and immediately pins him.
Jeff Jarrett is eliminated.
Instead of leaving, Jarrett helps Bubba double team Hardy, who makes a blind tag to AJ, and AJ comes in and lays Bubba out with a springboard forearm and covers him for the win. So I guess that means…
Winners: AJ Styles & Jeff Hardy
Bobby Roode runs back out and lays both Hardy and AJ out with the World Title belt and then stands on AJ’s chest while raising his hands and holding up the title belt, then gets right in AJ’s face and yells “YOU CAN’T BEAT ME, AJ! YOU CAN’T BEAT ME!” Really good match to end the show.