Trump Announces Kid Rock Family Tragedy

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It has been noted that Jon Stewart was back at The Daily Show desk on Monday and spent the first segment of the show targeting one of his oldest rivals: Tucker Carlson. Maybe if Carlson hadn’t given him so much to mock, he could have left him alone!

First, Stewart led with reviews from his return to the show last week, which blasted him for going “both sides” on President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump over their respective advanced ages. So Stewart turned to someone who might know better how to deliver journalism in this year of our Lord 2024:

“Saints be praised! For Professor Tucker Aloysius Mayflower Kennebunked-port Backgammon Carlson the Third has arrived!”

Stewart blasted Carlson over his trip to Russia, which he had stated was in the name of journalism, free speech, and maybe “just asking questions.”

However, Stewart’s responses were fire, like this modest inquiry from someone who just wants to understand what it takes to do a hard-hitting interview with a dictator like Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has no interest in telling the truth that Carlson so righteously wanted to defend:

“Just out of curiosity, as a student, when you’re sitting there interviewing Putin and you don’t plan to challenge his utter bullshit, but you don’t want to really be that obvious, what do you do with your face? Oh, I see. Okay, so it’s not really a straight face as much as you try to convey a mixture of what appears to be shame, arousal, and I’m going to say irregularity. For instance, like you’re constipated while jerking off to a Sears catalog.”

When Carlson went on his trip to the grocery store to demonstrate the rental system for shopping carts, then claimed “there’s an incentive to return it and not just bring it to your homeless encampment,” Stewart’s response was blunt:

I know I’ve said this before. You’re such a d*ck.

Stewart then put Carlson’s Moscow stunt into context:

“But the goal that Carlson and his ilk are pushing is that there’s really no difference between our systems. In fact, theirs might be a little bit better. The question is why? Why is Tucker doing this? Here’s why. It’s because the old civilizational battle was communism versus capitalism. That what drove the world since World War II. Russia was the enemy then. But now they think the battle is “woke versus un-woke.” And in that fight, Putin is an ally to the right. He’s their friend. Unfortunately, he is also a brutal and ruthless dictator. So now they have to make Americans a little more comfortable with that. I mean, liberty is nice, but have you seen Russia’s shopping carts?”

Barry Russell
Barry Russell
A dedicated pro wrestling follower for more than a decade

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