”Honestly, I wouldn’t change anything about the peaks, the valleys, the way my career’s been. I wouldn’t change anything because I’m very proud of the woman that I am now and the wrestler that I am today and where my career is because if anything would have been different, I might be in a different place, I might be a different person, my ego might be through the roof. Who knows?
So when everything happened to me, it was even like a tough topic to even talk about. I remember I was living in Tijuana at the time and I remember some days I would wake up, I didn’t even have the strength to live that day so I would just go back to bed and I would be in my bed all day long. There were days where I was tired about life, just because my identity was wrestling. I didn’t know who I was without (wrestling) and in a matter of less than 24 hours, it was from here to boom. From contract offers from the biggest companies, more money than I’d ever seen in my life to nothing. This whole storyline we had built for eight or nine months to me begging the TNA office that day, ‘I don’t wanna win it. I don’t wanna do this,’ and after, I didn’t go home. I went on a 27-day media tour in Mexico where I remember we would pull over in the Uber before every interview and I would vomit. I was just puking and puking because… it was whiplash. I didn’t know, and I was seeing and hearing and my family, my little brother and sister were 14 years old at the time were reading all these things about me that I knew wasn’t me, I knew wasn’t in my heart, I wasn’t this person but it didn’t matter. Perception’s reality, right?
The truth doesn’t matter and even the real truth isn’t even out there still and it doesn’t matter. But, sometimes those things happen because when your feet are pretty far off the ground, when you fall, you fall hard and I didn’t know my identity without wrestling and through all of that, through those ups and downs, those really hard days that I didn’t know if I was gonna get through, I found out who Tessa is without wrestling. I went back to college, I joined R.O.T.C., Army R.O.T.C. and I found out, hey, I’m good at other things too. Yeah, wrestling is my dream and I love it and this is what God’s put in my life but, without wrestling, I’m gonna be okay also.
There is a life after this and one day if I get hurt or one day this isn’t my life, I’m still gonna be alright because Tessa’s pretty chingón without wrestling. But, I’ve talked to some other companies and in the time and pretty recently, it just hasn’t felt right yet to go and one thing that I promised myself is that it doesn’t matter about the money, it doesn’t matter anything. If it doesn’t feel right, then I’m not gonna do it, because my happiness right now is very important to me and why I say that is because through all the things that I went through, I developed some anxiety.”
Blanchard also recalled moments when she was overwhelmed with despair, even imagining ways to end it all. She credits her ex-husband and self-counseling for helping her through those dark times. Ultimately, Blanchard is working on discovering who she is outside of wrestling and learning to be comfortable in her own skin, setting boundaries, and figuring out what truly makes her happy.
”It sounds so silly I feel like to talk about but, unless you’ve actually gone through or experienced those high levels of anxiety, it’s hard to really explain. But there will be some days where I just, like, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin even because it just overtakes everything and I never had that before. All my ups and downs in wrestling, more so the downs, and now it’s something that I deal with quite frequently. Even just the other day, I remember just us being in a bus — there’s a lot people around me and I felt this strong anxiety and now I’m learning different ways to cope with it. Just breathing exercises and ways like, hey Tessa, everything’s okay. Recenter, refocus. Everything’s alright, and I feel silly talking about it but it’s something that’s really real that people struggle with. Anxiety.
I remember when I was going through some of my things, I remember one day in my dad’s house, I was visiting family and I was just doing laundry. I remember I was moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer and I just fell to the ground, balling my eyes out. I was like, I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna live this life. I don’t wanna live this life. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I remember even imagining ways to just end it all, and my ex-husband helped me a lot through some of those moments but, it took a lot of self-counseling too, talking to other people and just trying to get comfortable and figuring out who Tessa is outside of the wrestling world, outside of the spotlight. When it’s all said and done, we came into this world alone, we’re gonna leave this world alone. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? Where are my boundaries? Where am I gonna say no? What am I okay with? All these things and figuring out how to cope with that anxiety, being comfortable in your own skin. It takes a lot of work, yeah? ”
