This is the first of my columnous columns that will cast its whimsical opinion upon the newer superstars trying to navigate their way through that infernal glass ceiling in the WWE. I don’t wanna just give a history on who they are and where they come from – we have Wikipedia for that – but rather highlight their strengths and potential as well elements of their game that are perhaps particularly suckworthy. And if I can bestow a few chuckles unto thee in the process, then all the better.
This week my spotlight falls on the lisping, All-American American, Jack Swagger.
Mr Swagger has been in the WWE for just over a year now, but, lo and behold, this graduate would appear to have genuine charisma and wrestling ability, unlike a plethora of homegrown WWE monsters that have surfaced in recent times (Koslov, Ezekiel, Knox – I’m eyeballing you).
It doesn’t take a budding Nostradamus to foresee that Swagger is destined for whopping things in the WWE (I refuse to refer to it as the WWE Universe on the grounds that its diameter is less than 93 billion light years). He was blessed (or saddled, you decide) with the ECW championship just a few months into his career, and regardless of what you may think of WWE’s retarded child-esque broadcast, this should have been a clear indicator to all that Vinnie Mac saw Swagger as a future big player. His proceeding transfer to RAW was another sign that his, albeit short, ECW title reign had earned him a thumbs up from the man that matters. And, thus far, he hasn’t been lost in the shuffle as so much young talent often is, and has been a pretty constant player in the Monday night shenanigans.
It’s no secret that McMahon likes his big me – in a wrestling sense that is, I’m not starting rumours pertaining to his sexual direction – and, coming from an impressive football and high school wrestling background, Swagger definitely has size, and not just in his gnashers. Even more importantly, especially to those of us who prefer style over substance, the guy can genuinely wrestle. I’m not saying he’s among the top 20 in the world, Hell, he’s probably not even among the top 20 in WWE at the moment, but he knows how to work a solid match, he can unleash his arsenal tidily, and with youth on his side and a willingness to learn, many title reigns would seem afoot.
He exhumes an effortless cockiness akin to Randy Orton that it’s hard to explain with mere words. Audiences just feel it, they can’t explain it – and whether they like it or not, they can’t help but care about Swagger. He’s gonna illicit a crowd response whether he’s playing a heel or a face. And this is a talent that simply can’t be taught. And even though he blatantly stole the falling press-up thing from the straight edge (sic)Scott Steiner, I’m gonna let him get away with it because it works super well with his character.
But it’s not all plain sailing for Swagger. Whether he’s playing a face or a heel, his opponents are always gonna make fun of that lisp. Sure, it never stopped Dusty Rhodes from hitting the big time, but hey, kids are far more cruel these days. And so are WWE script writers. That isn’t to say he should be kept off the mic – which he won’t be – but head honchos at WWE will certainly not be overly keen to put him on massively syndicated talk-shows, or attach him to movie projects as they so enjoy doing with their major players. You think John Cena would be where he is now if he had a lisp? I can’t help but think not.
Also, Swagger needs the rub from some of the big guns before audiences will perceive him as a genuine threat to the upper card. Whilst I’m sure that tossing Evan Bourne around the ring every week is fun for everyone involved, it’s not really the best way to mould a threatening heel. If WWE wants to carry on the Legacy group once DiBiase’s inevitable face turn occurs (he has an Oscar tipped film to promote after all), then Swagger would be my fist pick to keep the gang a threesome. They can’t have Legacy as just a twosome after all, because Randy Orton bossing around his “gang” that consists of just one member would give it a whole new dimension of homoerotica.
And another minor gripe, and this is more of a girly swipe at WWE rather than Swagger, is the lack of an inventive name. What’s the deal with WWE wrestlers performing under their birth names? (Okay, Jack Swagger isn’t quite his real name, but swap the “Sw” for “H” and you’re pretty much there). Or names that could be the same as your old geography teacher? I get that WWE is trying to promote a more realistic product, and thus we’re no longer gonna get wrestlers called “Doink the Clown” or “The Big Boss Man”, but surely more cool nicknames could/should be present? The Miz, CM Punk, Ezekiel, MVP – all pretty cool names. Shelton Benjamin, Zach Ryder, John Morrisson, Jack Swagger – not so cool.
Not only that, but it totally blurs the line between wrestling and reality. Where does one begin and the other end? Here’s a fabricated conversation to demonstrate what I mean:
Wrestling fan: Hey, John Cena, you were a massive dick face on RAW last night.
John Cena: Oh, that wasn’t really me, that’s just a character I portray on television.
Wrestling fan: Oh, I’m so sorry, what’s your real name?
John Cena: Err…. John Cena.
Wrestling fan: … Dick face.
Apologies for the digression there.
In recent weeks Swagger has been developing a storyline with WWE diva Eve (Or maybe not, they’re all so interchangeable I forget their names… the one who looks a bit like a bulldog anyway) and has also been bestowed with the rather funsome gimmick of promising not to lose for the remainder of the year. The diva thing I’m not so keen on, heels in this generation don’t need a characterless female in their corner, but the “staying unbeaten” gimmick will certainly keep audiences interested in his character. I’m sure he’ll just smash some lower card jobbers in the coming weeks (step up, Primo), but as the year draws to a close, he could score a clean pin over an upper card face at the December PPV (Mark “I can’t believe I’m over” Henry for example) and go into 2010 as a favourite to win the Royal Rumble. And you’d be a foolish fool indeed to not believe that a place in the coveted Money in the Bank Wrestlemania spotfest is virtually guaranteed for the man at this point in time.
At the risk of sounding like an Orange commercial – the future is bright for this one.
