Greetings jabronis,
I hope you’re feeling well on this wonderful day, and that nobody has been molesting your pets. It seems my “list” columns are proving the most popular with the masses…. Or perhaps you’re more aptly described as the “minor masses” – I’m always a sucker for a good oxymoron.
Thus, always one to bow to peer pressure (It’s the only reason I ever got that Pokemon tattoo) here I present you with yet another run down of sorts.
So, who in the WWE has what it takes to be world champion? To be the figurehead of their respective brand? To star in WWE movies? To become a celebrity in the true sense of the word? To poop in divas’ handbags yet still keep their job?
I shall here cast my very judgemental gaze over a few contenders who perhaps sometimes hear the word “headliner” whispered in their direction as they use a public urinal, and ask my crystal balls (I have three, you see) if I ever see a world title belt decorating their hulking waistline.
This column got a bit long as I was writing it so I will present it in two parts. Being the conventional writer that I am, part one will come first. Take that, George Lucas.
Ted DiBiase
Everything was looking rosey for Ted Junior a few months ago. He was always perceived as having more star power than his tag buddy Cody Rhodes and thus, when a singles career beckoned, a fast-track to the top seemed likely. He found himself the star of WWE movie The Marine 2 (I haven’t seen it, but I’m also sure that it’s unbelievably awesome); he remained on the flagship RAW brand; he was bestowed with the wonderfully nostalgic Million Dollar belt and has found the dazzling Maryse (one of the few current divas to possess any sort of charisma) as his valet.
Yet somehow, things haven’t gone to plan. Teddy finds himself lurking in midcard limbo, and wasn’t even able to bag himself a spot on the RAW Bragging Rights team. I genuinely enjoy Goldust as a performer – but when young guys like DiBiase are losing clean to the veteran, who has largely been on jobbing duties for the last couple of years, on PPV no less… Then it’s certainly a cause for concern
DiBiase’s job with the company will always be safe because of his lineage, but when you consider that he has still never held a secondary title, a world title is surely a long way off if it were to ever happen.
In his favour, DiBiase is a handsome chap (in a totally hetero way) and is component enough performer in the ring to never totally fall by the wasteside. And he also has a long career ahead of him yet to address his decline… But one must already be wondering if he will follow in the footsteps of his (incredibly talented) father and never hold a world title.
Crystal balls say: Outlook not so good
Drew McIntyre
Much like Sheamus, it seemed that McIntyre was gonna be blessed with a shuttle-bus to the top of the company. Making his debut having already received the seal of approval from company bigwigs HHH and HBK – as well Vinnie Mac himself – a rapid ascension seemed a certainty.
But despite tag and IC title reigns, and MITB apperances, McIntyre still finds himself playing a role of the absolute definition of a mid-carder. And you know what? He totally deserves it. He honestly hasn’t shown me anything to demonstrate why such praise was showered upon him by the head honchos. His ring work is mediocre, his promos are dull and monotone – always illiciting loud “WHAT” chants from the crowd – and he has the look of a wrestler who has just stepped out of the 80s.
Sure, one could point to the very public hotel scrap he had with his wife as one of the reasons he’s been held back… But I’m more willing to believe it’s because of his lack of approval from wrestling audiences. Though, admittedly, that is a good cover-up story if he wants one.
Still, like a lot of folk on this list, youth is very much on Drew’s side and so a turn in fortunes is totally possible. The likes of The Rock and The Miz are perfect examples of career turnarounds. McIntyre just needs work on connecting with the audience and I would also encourage him to develop more of a gimmick than “I’m an angry Scot”. He could perhaps try “I’m an angry Irishman”… No wait, Sheamus has already shotgunned that one.
Crystal Balls say: Will probably be champ one day, just so HHH can say “told you so”
Daniel Bryan
Daniel Bryan is a tricky customer to evaluate. He’s already been handed his marching orders once, but since returning to WWE he’s enjoyed a sustained stay in the RAW spotlight, with PPV wins over The Miz (twice) and Ziggler as well as a run with the US title.
And I must add that Bryan is a truly maginifcent wrestler. I adore the fact that every one of his WWE matches feels different, and he doesn’t just pull out the same 4 or 5 moves to break down his opponents every week like 95% of the rest of the roster.
WWE, however, won’t let go of the fact that Bryan, as a personality, is a bit bland. Cole constantly reminds us of this… constantly. Also his theme music is nerdy, his promos are nerdy and even his ring attire is a bit nerdy. Add to this the fact that Bryan was a massive success on the independent scene before WWE (something that always seems to irk WWE massively for some reason) and one would assume that Bryan will be a permanent mid-carder for the duration of his WWE career.
BUT (and this is a big “but” – hence the caps), proof that these obstacles can be overcome exists in the form of CM Punk. Similar to Bryan, Punk was also a massive success on the indie scene, and is also very similar in stature to the American Dragon, yet he finds himself already a multi-time WWE champion. So the possibility of being champ surely exists for Daniel Bryan… but will WWE ever feel comfortable putting a belt on a nerd? I don’t think so.
Crystal balls say: I don’t see it. He just doesn’t have the presence to carry a brand.
Alberto Del Rio
I won’t waste any of mine or your precious time discussing the merits of Alberto Del Rio. The guy is pure gold and a WWE title run is 100% inevitable in 2011. I’d bet my testicles on it. He’s taken to the WWE as quickly and effortlessly as Kurt Angle did – and to earn comparisons with Angle is the biggest compliment you can pay to any professional wrestler.
Crystal balls say: Inevitable
I need to leave it there for now, kiddies as there are killer clowns trying to break into my house – but I’ll be back with part two next week when I’ll (probably) be probing John Morrison, Evan Bourne, Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston and Cody Rhodes.
Over and out.
