Greeting jabronis,
Just 3 weeks after Extreme Rules, WWE – with its dollar-shaped pupils – is once again eyeing our already skimpy wallets with yet another PPV offering. Those greedy, damn bastards.
It’s an odd decision to crowbar two fairly meaningless PPVs between Wrestlemania and No Way Out, and this event has seemingly suffered as a result with none of the new feuds here (Cena v Laurinaitus aside) really having any time at all develop.
Furthermore, I don’t really understand what connotations audiences are supposed to take from a PPV that is branded “Over the Limit”. If I had my way it would involve this: Each wrestler on the night is pounded with copious amounts of alcohol. Once they have comfortably failed a breathalyser test, then, and only then, are they permitted to perform – giving “Over the Limit” some actual meaning. And who wouldn’t enjoy watching drunk wrestlers? It would be like old school ECW all over again!
Six bouts have been announced as I type this, and I shall henceforth cast my beady eye over each one. Presumably that’s why you’re reading this after all…
Zack Ryder v Kane
It’s another pre-show YouTube match which, as I re-echo my sentiments from 3 weeks ago, I’m perfectly fine with. It’s an innovative way for WWE to try and squeeze more buyrates for their PPVs, and I’m all for giving the obligatory dark match more exposure – as those involved often deserve no less.
WWE’s treatment of Zack Ryder is just plain baffling to me. The guy has got himself over in a big way and he generally attracts a generous crowd response – yet rather than book him in midcard matches that he stands a chance of winning, we more often than see see him lose in brief matches against uppercarders such as Kane, Daniel Bryan and Alberto Del Rio. It’s almost as if WWE is deliberately trying to kill off any star-power he has generated for himself. Harsh.
And that trend won’t change here. WWE’s booking can often be erratic, but Kane is not going to go from pinning Randy Orton at Wrestlemania to losing a dark match to Ryder in the space of just a few weeks. No sirree..
Are dark matches still called “dark matches” if they’re streamed on YouTube? I guess that’s one for the wrestling Gods to decide.
Pick: Kane
*****
Kofi Kingston and R-Truth v Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler
A tag team title match on a PPV that has been confirmed in advance?! Oh my, what a rare treat!
The last few weeks have seen a bit of a resurgence in the WWE tag division, and with 5 or 6 tag teams currently on the RAW or Smackdown roster, the tag scene is the healthiest it’s been in several years… Which is a depressing fact to type.
This will no doubt be a lively encounter – most likely the PPV opener – and all four guys will be keen to showcase why they should be featured on PPV with more regularity. Quite how Dolph Ziggler has found himself in this position on the card just a few months after headlining the Royal Rumble PPV is beyond a mystery.
Looking at the bigger picture – Abraham Washington is in the midst of cooking up a heel stable that have their sights set on the tag titles, so I have to opt for a win for the face team here, and then a feud with Epico and Primo to follow.
Do Kofi Kingston and R-Truth have a name for their tag team partnership yet? I certainly haven’t come across it if so. I’d suggest branding them The Little Jimminy Jillickers – because Radioactive Man is great.
Pick: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth
Layla v Beth Phoenix
It pains me to even pretend that I have a mild interest in this match, so instead I will present you with three facts about panda bears:
– It is estimated that panda bears must eat between 30 and 45 pounds of bamboo every day to get adequate nutrition. That’s a shit load of bamboo.
– Since the panda is technically classified as a carnivore it is not very efficient at digesting plant material. Nature can be so cruel. I bet panda poo smells terrible.
– Panda attacks are rare. The animals are docile, reclusive and generally avoid contact with humans. So if you see one in your garden, please don’t throw rocks at it – unless it happens to be eating your family. Which, as already explained, is extremely unlikely.
Pick: Panda bears
*****
John Cena v Big Johnny
Unless WWE throws a major curveball, this match-up will see the most predictable and contrived storyline in recent wrestling history come to fruition: If any “superstar” gets involved with this match, they will be fired. Big Show was fired this week on RAW and is thus no longer a superstar. So Big Show will interfere on Big Johnny’s behalf and earn him the victory with one of his potato punches – presumably getting rehired in the process. Good God Almighty! It was a set-up all along!
John Laurinaitis is getting over superbly as the heel GM, and there’s no way WWE is going to halt that momentum here. If, and it’s a massive “if”, the storyline involving interference from The Big Show doesn’t ring true, you can bet your bottom dollar that he will find some other dastardly way to win.
And hey, if nothing else, this match will serve further to squeeze even more relevance out of Brock Lesnar’s name. He might not have been able to beat Super Cena last month… But the mighty John Laurinaitis can!
Pick: Big Johnny
Sheamus v Randy Orton v Chris Jericho v Alberto Del Rio
As I’ve expressed in previous columns, Chris Jericho is in severe danger of damaging the star power of his name.
Since returning to the WWE, Jericho has failed to win the Royal Rumble, failed to win the Elimination Chamber, lost at Wrestlemania and lost at Extreme Rules. So it’s been a hugely unimpressive 2012 so far for Y2J.
I know some fans will argue that Jericho is permanently over and thus his win/loss record is irrelevant – and also that I perhaps should be applauding his selflessness in putting others over… And whilst I would agree with that to an extent, I feel these sentiments don’t necessarily apply to the masses. The Internet Wrestling Community will always hold Jericho near to their hearts, but is he so endearing to the casual viewers and the plethora of kiddies that populate WWE events and make up the TV audiences? I think not.
If Jericho wants to be continue being perceived as a genuine star to the masses, something has to change – and fast. Especially if the rumours are true that he will be taking a leave of absence from WWE again shortly. If this is true, is the anticipation for his next return going to be anywhere near as big as his return this past January? Hell no it isn’t. Losing streaks don’t keep you over. Just ask The Miz.
Sadly, I can’t see Jericho’s PPV losing streak ending here. A feud between Sheamus and Randy Orton is brewing and that’s where the focus is set – Jericho and Alberto Del Rio are pretty much an afterthought in this one.
I’m siding with Sheamus. I think the Ginger Ninja has a long title reign in store, and the belt will remain firmly around his waist for a couple of months yet. But lordy, I hope Jericho achieves an upset victory. I really really do.
Pick: Sheamus
*****
CM Punk v Daniel Bryan
This is a match-up to truly whet the chops of the purists, and brings the sprinkling of stardust that this PPV so desperately needs. I think WWE is gonna be more than willing to give these two 20-25 minutes to weave a wonderful wrestling tapestry together on the night.
CM Punk is the obvious pick for many here – with world title feuds against A-Train, Christian and perhaps even Brock Lesnar perceivable over the next few months… But I’ve got an itchy sensation in my nether regions that is making me feel there could be a surprise in store.
Daniel Bryan is as over massively with WWE audiences at the moment – in a way that the company perhaps could have never anticipated. So why not strike why the iron is hot and put a world title strap back around his waist?
I’m a big CM Punk fan, but I think it’s clear to see that the straight-edge superstar has lost a great deal of his renegade aura since cutting THAT promo last year. He even used the phrase “WWE Universe” on TV a couple of weeks ago which was a truly sad thing to witness. So I’d like to see the championship whipped off him, and then perhaps a belt-less CM Punk can take the time to reaccess what made him a deserving champion in the first place, and start dropping some genuine pipe-bombs again – because, despite what he tells audiences, calling John Laurinaitus funny names isn’t “dropping pipe-bombs”.
Could the newly unhinged AJ play a part in Daniel Bryan winning the belt, and winning a place back in his heart in the process? I have a six word answer to this: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Maybe!
Pick: Daniel Bryan
Those are my picks, jabronis. Please add your own below – I love it when you do. Or if you have an interesting panda fact to share, well, that would just make my day.
Over and out.
