Greetings jabronis,
Well, smack me silly and call me a crazy optimist if you please, but I have a warm feeling in my cockles that this PPV could well prove to be a genuine crowd-pleaser. Why? Well, hold your damn horses and I shall tell thee…
The various TLC stipulations always add an element of fun to a match, there’s some intriguing encounters on the card, the possibility of at least one title change seems inevitable and, in a wonderfully refreshing development, John Cena is not in the main event. In fact… He’s not even on the card! Good God Almighty! Of course, the chances of him not making an appearance on the PPV are non-existent, but let those of us that are irked by his constant limelight-hogging quietly celebrate this moment. Bravo, WWE. And I genuinely mean that. It’s a brave move.
Six matches have been announced as I write this (I expect a diva or a tag team match to be added on the night) and my thoughts and predictions for these matches in question dwell below. If that whets your appetite, then I advise you to mop up your slobber, and continue to read…
Randy Orton v Wade Barrett (Tables Match)
Wade Barrett has been on the receiving end of a strong push in recent weeks, and I don’t see “The Barrett Barrage” hitting a brick wall just yet.
I believe the tables stipulation has been applied here to protect Orton as a win in such an environment can largely be presented as a fluke if required – as demonstrated when Sheamus beat Cena for a his first world title reign at the TLC PPV back in 2009 (geez, that doesn’t feel like 2 years ago). So should I prove correct and Barrett wins, the circumstances in which he claimed the victory will no doubt be questionable, and the commentators will surely sell the result as an upset.
I’m enjoying seeing Orton away from the title picture and mixing it up in the midcard, giving the likes of Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes and Barrett a rub. Sure, more often than not he emerges victorious which isn’t wonderfully selfless – but it still helps others to be perceived as upper echelon talent, and it’s more than the likes of Cena and HHH do to benefit the younger guys.
Pick: Wade Barrett
*******
HHH v Kevin Nash (Ladder match)
This match is absolutely dripping in intrigue as the marks ponder just how the hell is the beyond-knackered Nash gonna cope in a ladder match environment?! Is he even capable of climbing a ladder?! He’d better hope so, otherwise that sledgehammer will be wielded wildly by HHH. Wait… Are sledgehammers PG? I guess so.
Miracles can happen… But I don’t anticipate seeing one here – and although HHH will do his best to get a decent match out of the incredibly limited Big Daddy Cool, I have a feeling this could be a contender for worst match of the year.
But I say that in a good way! Sometimes, terrible matches are great to watch! I confess to getting perverse pleasure in watching the likes of Mason Ryan and The Great Khali attempt to have “wrestling” matches. And whilst Nash certainly wasn’t comparable to those guys in his prime, the 52 year old Nash has more than a few similarities. Limited agility aside – every time he powerbombs someone, I’m 90% certain the recipient has just been paralysed for life.
It would seem likely that HHH v Undertaker is happening again at ‘Mania (I wish it weren’t, but the reasons for that are for a future column) and losing to Nash wouldn’t be beneficial in building up that one. So I’m going for a HHH victory, putting an end to Nash’s “last hurrah” as a WWE wrestler.
I’m not totally against seeing Nash on WWE programming, I just don’t want to see him as a full time in-ring performer. I’m all for a bit of nostalgia, and I think it would be fitting if his career went full circle and he returned to his bodyguard role – perhaps for Cody Rhodes or Dolph Ziggler. Yes, that would please me no end.
Pick: HHH
Dolph Ziggler v Zack Ryder
WWE has teased the reign for too long, so I foresee Zack Ryder finally accomplishing his goal and bagging the US title – giving the Long Island Iced Z’s quest a fitting fairytale ending as Christmas approaches.
I can’t see Ryder claiming a clean victory, as Ziggler is surely a dead cert to be pushed to the top of the WWE mountain in 2012, so maybe Ryder’s pal Super Cena will assist him – or perhaps even the teased descent between Ziggler and Swagger will escalate and result in a fallout that sees Ryder emerge victorious. However it goes down, I fully believe the Broski will be leaving with the belt.
There seems to be an increasing divide between those who think that Ryder is rather great and those who think he’s just annoying. I very much lie in favour of the ” rather great” camp… But I hope WWE ends his association with Cena sooner rather than later – as the type of fan heat that Cena generates could be pretty harmful to Ryder’s career if it rubs off on him. Ha ha, that sounded sexual. Who doesn’t enjoy innuendo?
Pick: Zack Ryder
*******
Cody Rhodes v Booker T
I’m most chuffed indeed to see Booker T back wrestling on WWE PPV. He was one of a very select few (along with RVD) who was successfully embraced by WWE audiences during the best-forgotten Invasion era – and was always an entertaining fixture on WWE TV before departing for TNA.
I enjoy Booker T’s commentary to an extent, but – despite being closer to 50 than 40 – I think he’s still got something to give in the ring, and thus I’m all for seeing him back performing between the ropes. Like many others, I’m also hoping that this storyline with Cody Rhodes will somehow evolve to the point where Booker is back teaming with his old tag partner Goldust – who of course is Cody’s real life brother. This stuff writes itself.
I think it would be harmful to the IC Title (as if WWE cares) to put it around the waist of someone who has solely been a commentator for the last 12 months, so I’m gunning for Rhodes to retain here. But there will be plenty of gas left in this feud, so although Cody may emerge victorious from this battle, the victor of the war could prove different.
Pick: Cody Rhodes
*******
The Big Show v Mark Henry (chairs match)
A “chairs match” sounds funny on paper. The object of a “ladder match” is to climb the ladder; The object of a tables match is put your opponent through a table; The object of a “chairs match” is to… Sit on a chair!? I bet these two fatties certainly wish that was the case.
For me, this is the one dud on the card. If someone had told me 10 years ago that The Big Show v Sexual Chocolate would battle for the World Heavyweight Title on three consecutive PPVs in 2011 I would have swiftly called the loony brigade and had that individual committed to a mental asylum.
I dislike both guy’s in-ring work and I make no apologies for that. They’re slow, over-the-hill, out-of-shape guys and were never even particularly proficient wrestlers in their prime, let alone in 2011. I’m sure they’re both very likable chaps in real life – but that doesn’t mean I want to see them continuously stink up a wrestling ring.
As I’ve said in my previous two prediction columns – and as I will repeat here again – WWE has invested far too much time in building up Henry as an unstoppable monster for him to drop the title to someone as meaningless as The Big Show. So I pick Henry to retain again – then a feud with Sheamus or Kane to follow.
It wouldn’t surprise me if Kane gatecrashed the party here and had a say in the outcome. He’s such a renegade. And that’s why the ladies go wild for him. Maybe.
Pick: Mark Henry
*******
CM Punk vs Alberto Del Rio vs The Miz (TLC match)
Controversial opinion alert: CM Punk has annoyed me ever so slightly in the last few weeks. Before you blow your lid, allow me to explain why…
I think the majority of us would openly admit we’re sick of Cena’s goofy humour, and that it’s mighty difficult to take the world title picture seriously when Cena is constantly laughing at his opponents and not perceiving them as genuine threats. Yes? Well… It seems to be that CM Punk has been guilty of late of exactly the same thing. Rather than accept The Miz and Alberto Del Rio as genuine contenders to his title – and in turn sell the PPV, which is pretty much the entire point of wrestling – CM Punk seems more eager to make jokes about his opponents and laugh at his own funnies. I’ll admit his humour and inside jokes are often more entertaining than Cena’s… But it’s still a little worrying. At least Punk has the in-ring ability to make his lapses in character forgivable though I guess, unlike Mr Cena.
On to the business of the match… I think this will go on last as the main event and rightly so. There are three of WWE’s very best performers involved here, and there will undoubtedly be some killer spots and bumps courtesy of the ingredients handed to them via the TLC stipulation.
But the winner is inevitable. CM Punk will retain here (and he will again at the January PPV… And at the February PPV), and you can safely bet your copy of Playboy featuring Torrie Wilson that he will be heading into Wrestlemania 28 as the WWE Champion.
Pick: CM Punk
Those are my picks, dearest readers. As ever, please add your own below. I love it when you do.
This is most likely my final column of 2011, so please allow me the opportunity to wish each and every one of you jabronis out there a very Merry Christmas indeed and an equally prosperous new year. I’ll be back in early January with my “2011 awards” as well as my Rumble picks.
Be excellent to each other.
Over and out.
